Robert: Could I get some frozen baby peas, Deb?
Debra: You know what, Robert? You get your own damn peas.
Robert: What what, are you mad at me? What did I do?
Debra: What did you do?
Robert: Hey, look, you're the one who told Amy about Stefania in the first place. You should be apologizing to me.
[Debra turns around and gives Robert the look. Ray backs away and hides behind the couch]
Debra: And what you should have done is tell Amy the truth about everything. Or better yet, not be such a pig in the first place.
Robert: That's the worst apology I've ever gotten.

Marie: I'm sorry. I know none of this is funny, except that I can't believe that you all have to resort to this sort of behavior to deal with your spouses.
Frank: You're all nuts.
Ray: You're laughing at us? You two?
Frank: Hey, if I have a problem with Marie, I don't do anything behind her back. I just turn to her and say, "Excuse me, darling, put a sock in it."
Marie: And I do the same thing. It's not healthy to hold in all those negative feelings.
Robert: And you two are healthy?
Marie: Do we smoke? Or play with gunpowder? Or bark at the cat?

Marie: I just feel horrible. For a custodian to see all this mess. I think I'll straighten up.
Amy: [enters] Hey. Chris and his dad are outside and he asked me to get his keys for him. It seemed like he didn't want to come back inside.
Robert: I don't blame him. It was kind of a nightmare.
Amy: Oh, yeah? Did your mother come over and make things worse as usual?
[Behind Amy, Marie pushes aside the door and glares at her]

Frank: Marie, what's the story with the cannelloni?
Marie: It's ready.
Frank: Let's go. Who's this?
Debra: This is Chris' dad George.
Frank: The janitor? Marie, you said he was black. [all gasp]
Marie: No, I didn't!
Frank: What are you talking about? You said-
Marie: No, I said he was African-American! [all gasp]
Frank: Okay. What are you arguing for?
Marie: I apologize, George. It's just, well... Well, l... You know, I think it's wonderful that anyone can be a janitor now.

Marie: Can I just say one thing, Debra?
Frank: I'd say she can't.
Marie: There's a time arrives in a woman's life when she still can show her body off but she shouldn't. It's just not becoming of a lady. And I say that for every year you're over 40, you should add an inch to the hemline of your dress.
Frank: Well, then you should be dragging around a Persian rug.

Frank: Oh, I know what he was doing. The action is always better when there's a little fire in the furnace, right, Ray?
Ray: No! No. That is so wrong. Crazy old man!
Frank: Come on! Why do you think I give this one such a hard time? When she's steamed up, everything's better. I'll tell you, the angry sex is good. But what I really love is the angry steak pizzaiola.
Marie: You're a pig!
Frank: Good! Use that for the lasagna tonight.
Robert: Look, Debra, this I told him, Ma. You must always be sensitive to your wife's emotions.
Frank: You, my boy are a girl.

Marie: Please, Robert. You two should be ashamed of yourselves. What gives you the right to butt into people's lives?
Robert: Yes!
Marie: What? You think you can help him after I've spent my whole life trying? Please. The only thing we can do is pretend that he's fine and let him blend into society as best he can.

Marie: So, you just cast aside the mother. Let me tell you. It didn't start with a smile. It started with 19 hours of horrible labor.
Frank: But before that, there was a smile.
Marie: Also horrible.

Ray: I'll tell you what. My mother and my father, we're through with 'em!
Debra: You read my letter to Santa.

Amy: Marie, maybe we should just let the bird thing go.
Robert: Whoa, Amy, look. Let's not get sucked into this. I mean, I'm not taking my family's side.
Amy: Well, of course not. They're acting all nuts.
Robert: They're nuts?
Amy: Well, what would you call it when a man barks and quacks at you?
Robert: My father was barking and quacking because he was upset about the path of death and destruction that your parents have cut through the animal community!
Frank: That's my boy!
Ray: This doesn't happen if you have a TV.