Ray: Listen, you beat me by a few strokes, okay? That's only 'cause my back was acting up.
Gianni: Your back. You know why that is? 'Cause your nose throws you off balance.

Ray: All right, look, can you get us a replacement?
Gianni: For this? Yeah. Jump in a time machine and buy one off a Pilgrim.

Andy: All right. So you had a busy morning. Did you remember how to do everything or did you have to consult the manual? [laughs]
Ray: Hey! You wanna know something? You're not gonna believe this. Third time this week. That's a Barone record.
Andy: Three times? Get outta here.
Gianni: No way.
Ray: Three times. Tuesday, Thursday, today.
Gianni: I think you're confusing sex with showering.

Gianni: Well, seems to me like you were asking for it.
Ray: What?!
Gianni: Sorry, in the animal kingdom, you stick your caboose in the air, that's as good as a marriage proposal.
Ray: Shut up!
Robert: Yeah, he's right. I believe the term is "presenting."
Gianni: Face it, Ray. This chick's got the hots for you.
Robert: Yep! She's in love!
Ray: No! No! No, she-she hates me!
Gianni: Sounds like maybe her old man hasn't been minding the store.
Ray: No! The ol' man's gone. She's divorced.
Gianni & Robert: Oh!

Debra: Hey, guys. How was golf?
Ray: Oh, it was great.
Gianni: Yeah, great. [as Ray] "Muhammad Ali sent me a letter. I love Muhammad Ali and Muhammad Ali loves me."

Marie: Raymond, I need to borrow vanilla.
Gianni: Hey, Mrs. B.
Marie: Hello, Gianni, dear.
Gianni: Are you making your world-famous cannoli?
Marie: Why yes I am.
Gianni: When are you gonna dump that old man and come bake for me?
Marie: Just say the word, Gianni.
Ray: Please, one horror movie at a time, huh?

[flashback:]
Ray: She laughed at my joke. Did you see that? She laughed. You think she's got a boyfriend?
Gianni: I don't know. Check out the pictures.
Ray: I don't see any guys. There's no guys. Hey, maybe she likes women.
Gianni: Nah, if she was like that, she'd be putting this thing together herself. Ask her out, big nose.
Ray: No, what? Her? Go out with me? No, no, no. Yeah?
Gianni: Stranger things have happened. I can't think of any.

[flashback:]
Ray: Nah, I live with my parents.
Gianni: Fine, then I'll ask her out.
Ray: No, no, you can't.
Gianni: Why not?
Ray: 'Cause, you're the futon guy.
Gianni: You're the assistant futon guy.

[flashback:]
Gianni: My friend is all nervous 'cause he likes you or something. He wants to ask you out.
Debra: Oh, really?
Gianni: What? You've got a boyfriend?
Debra: No, it's just-
Gianni: Hey, let me ask you something. If we weren't here, you think you could put this thing together yourself?

Ray: No, but listen! I didn't want to. I was ready to go. I was ready to go. We were there, we were in the kitchen-
Robert: All right, Ray, look, we don't need to hear the details.
Andy: I bought new balls and shoes. He owes me details.
Gianni: Listen, junior high, shut up with the details. It's his wife. And Ray, sex over golf? It's your wife!