Blair Huckstable: Clint Huckstable, what is wrong with you? Oh, my Lord. A motherless child.
Jenise Huckstable: He's not a motherless child. That's Chris. We met at school.
Chris: I got hit with a bowl of pudding.
Dr. Clint Huckstable: Blair, the boy has been abused.
Blair Huckstable: Well, I can take your case. I'm a lawyer, you know. I am very accomplished.
Dr. Clint Huckstable: Yes, and I would like to accomplish something with you later on, if you know what I mean.
Blair Huckstable: Stop it, Clint.

Blair Huckstable: So, Chris, where are you from?
Chris: Bed-Stuy.
Blair Huckstable: Now, I heard about that place. I sent a boy to jail from there. He was selling something called crack. All the babies from there are on it.
Dr. Clint Huckstable: Are you a crack baby?
Chris: No, sir.
Blair Huckstable: Now, Chris, do you have a family?
Chris: Yeah, a mother, father, sister, brother.
Dr. Clint Huckstable: Are they crack people?
Chris: No, sir.

Blair Huckstable: Now, what kind of law does your mother practice?
Chris: She works in the beauty salon.
Dr. Clint Huckstable: And what does your father do?
Chris: Oh, he has two jobs.
Blair Huckstable: Oh, so he's a doctor and a lawyer.
Chris: No, he drives a truck and does security part-time.
Dr. Clint Huckstable: I see. Well, Chris, much like your people from Bed-Stuy, our daughter here is a screwup. Yeah, and instead of wasting money on a good private school, we decided to teach her a lesson and send her to the Tattaglia public school.
Blair Huckstable: And then she decided to teach us a lesson by bringing you home.
Dr. Clint Huckstable: But we are not going to penalize you for her stupidity. Chris, we have decided to let you take our daughter Jenise to the Homecoming Dance.
Chris: Thank you, sir.
Dr. Clint Huckstable: You're welcome. And we have this lovely sweater here so you have something decent to wear. Also this delicious box of Sweet Potato Pops.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While Tonya wanted to be alone, Doc had plenty of company.
Drew: Xièxiè. ["Thanks"]
Doc: Wow, this feng shui thing is somethin' else. Business hasn't been this good since they robbed the food stamp truck. What's this?
Drew: Oh, this is a money tree. It'll bring you good fortune. [an attractive woman enters the store]
Doc: Looks like it's working. [speaking mangled Chinese] Can I help you?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] That's English for "I don't speak Chinese."

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While Greg was nowhere to be found, Doc couldn't find anything.
Doc: [on the phone] Drew, where did you put the hot sauce? Uh. What you mean, it disrupted the chi? Okay, then where's the chi?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Where the hot sauce used to be.
Doc: Well, I can't pour a philosophical concept on my catfish, now can I? Think. I'll call you back.

Chris: I have a date to the Homecoming Dance.
Tonya: A date? What's wrong with her?
Chris: Nothing. Her name's Jenise, and she lives in Park Slope.
Rochelle: Park Slope? That's expensive. And she goes to your school?
Tonya: I told you there was something wrong with her. She's retarded.
Julius: Your brother's date is not retarded.
Drew: Well, she could be, but there's different levels. She could be a moron, an imbecile, an idiot or a cretin. Morons have the highest IQ of the mentally retarded, so if something's wrong with her, you may not notice at first.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like the first time you watch Bill O'Reilly.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] During football season at Tattaglia, there was nothing more important than Homecoming Week.
Greg: Homecoming Dance? What are you looking at that for?
Chris: Just want to know the date of the dance so I can start acting like I'm sick three days before.
Greg: It's a great excuse. I'd use it, but nobody cares whether I'm there or not. Why don't you just go stag?
Chris: End up dancing by myself? I could do that at home.
[fantasy: Chris dancing in the living room as Rochelle, Drew and Tonya try to watch TV :]
Rochelle: Would you go dance with yourself someplace else?

Greg: Dude, you're going to the Homecoming Dance?
Chris: I guess so.
Greg: Great. My life sucks, and what do you do? You make it suck worse.
Chris: What, do you want me to stay at home and have a sucky night too so you can feel better?
Greg: Yeah. That's what friends are for.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] With friends like that, who needs enemies?

Chris: Why is it so hard to believe I have a date with a perfectly nice, normal girl?
[The entire family spit-takes and descends into hysterical laughter. They flail about the dining room, hitting objects and throwing food as they can't stop laughing]
Rochelle: [answers phone] Hello? Hello? [laughter continues]
[later, the family are exhausted from laughing as they return to the dining room table:]
Rochelle: Oh, stop. Whew.
Chris: You finished?
Julius: Yeah, yeah. But you have to admit, that was pretty funny.
Rochelle: Oh, Drew and Tonya, y'all go get ready for bed. Mm, mm, mm.

James: Hey, Tonya. Hey, Youngblood. Where y'all going?
Tonya: Oh, he's walking me home.
James: [to Jason] Check you out. I heard you singing. Now you're walking people home? You're like a one-man walking show. All chivalrous. You're like Maurice Chevalier.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] James was a rare combination of French film buff and bug.
Jason: Maybe I'll see you tomorrow. [walks away]
James: Come on, man. Where you going? Don't leave. Let's sing. You be Ralph Tresvant. I'll be Bobby Brown. Come on.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] How come no one ever wants to be Ronnie DeVoe?
Tonya: What'd you do that for?
James: I liked you before he did. How come I can't walk you home?
Tonya: Because I'm going by myself.t