Frasier: You try to help out a few newly enterprising friends and what do you get for your trouble? 45 minutes in hell.
Sam: Sit. Keep it down, will ya? Keep it down here.
Frasier: Keep it down? I've got the worst sunburn of my life, thanks to a faulty thermo-regulator on tanning machine number three, the Bahama Mama.
Norm: Frasier, you're supposed to start off slowly, all right? But I must say, you do have one heck of a fantastic base coat there, Fras.
Sam: Yeah. Yeah, and your, uh, your shirt sure smells fresher.
Frasier: Really? It's not too lemony?
Sam: Not for you.

Woody: [hums "Isn't it Romantic"] Hey, Sam. I found out all about Miss Chambers' date. I mean, uh... beautiful night of magic.
Sam: Just spill it, will ya, Woody?
Woody: Well, the ballet was exquisite, but it paled by comparison to the enchanting coach ride under the stars. Chad held her porcelain like hand lightly, tracing tiny circles on her alamander-
Sam: Alabaster.
Woody: ...alabaster skin, and then, fearing that the spell might be broken, she invited him up to her pied-de-teer for some quiet conversation and warm brandy, and then...
Sam: What?
Woody: Miss Chambers said if you want to hear the rest, you gotta ask her yourself. [laughs]
Sam: Oh, forget it! Forget it, man!
Woody: Oh, ask her, Sam. Sounds like you won't be disappointed.

Diane: Frasier, a sunburn?
Frasier: No, I'm doing my impression of a blood blister.
Carla: Hey, Frasier. You know, there's something I've always been meaning to ask you. What was your reaction the first time you saw Diane naked? [Carla slaps Frasier on his sun-burnt back]
Frasier: [screams in agony]

Cliff: Normie, I can't hold out any longer. Ma's getting antsy. The last time she spent a thousand dollars was on a house.
Norm: Cliff, I'm sorry. I- I really am, but you guys begged me to let ya in. It's not like I didn't warn you.
Carla: Oh, sure. "Don't do this. I pray to God you don't do this." You call that a warning?

Diane: Sam, excuse me. May I have your ear for a moment?
Sam: Sure. Just don't leave any bite marks.

Diane: Sam, I've decided to break off my relationship with Chad.
Sam: Who?
Diane: What an actor you are. You know, if you hadn't chosen bartending, you could well have had a career in the theater.
Sam: Or as a model.
Diane: Anyway, you needn't continue this charade of nonchalance. I'm ending my affaire de coeur because I can sense how it's secretly gnawing away at you.
Sam: Okay. All right. I'm glad. All I've been able to think about is you and Chad. In your apartment. In his car. On the stairs. Doing things even we never did. I mean, I can't eat, I can't sleep.
Diane: Oh, Sam. Really?
Sam: Gee, maybe I could have been an actor.
Diane: Oh!

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody. [silence] Norm! Norman. How're you feeling today, Norm? Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
Woody: Yes, sir, Mr. Peterson. Boy, you sure have gotten successful, huh?
Norm: Well, Woody, you know what they say about success. It's one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration.
Carla: So is your shirt.
Cliff: Yeah, and you know what else they say about success there, Mr. Rockeflounder? It's lonely at the top.
Norm: Yeah, but the food's better, Cliff.
Sam: Hey, you don't have to rub our noses in it, man. I mean, we're your friends, after all.
Norm: Friends? You call yourselves friends? The last four or five times I've walked in here, you treat me as if I've done something wrong. You know, not one of you guys has bothered to congratulate me for my success. Which, I might add, you all had a chance to share in. Maybe I should just take my refreshment business elsewhere. When I think of all the hours I wasted in here when I could have been wasting them somewhere else.

Sam: Boy, did I have a crazy dream last night.
Carla: What was it?
Sam: I was at this party with a bunch of strangers. The food was great. The music was loud. All of a sudden, everybody in the place stopped and was lookin' at me, and I realized that I wasn't wearing any pants.
Norm: Oh, yes, yes. I've had that dream a million times.
Cliff: Yeah, me, too, and boy, is it ever embarrassing, huh?
Sam: Why is that?
Cliff: Uh... Uh, Norm?

Diane: Sam, I need to ask a big favor.
Sam: All right, as long as it doesn't interfere with your job.
Diane: Okay, then, I need to ask a huge favor. Would it be possible two weeks from this coming Wednesday for me to leave work early about ten minutes?
Sam: Sure, why not?
Diane: Oh, thank you, Sam. Thank you very much. And thank you for not prying further into the matter. Especially since, well, I've no valid excuse for my early departure. Sam, I must be frank.
Sam: Sounds good. I'll be Bob.

Diane: I mean, it's not as if I had a dental appointment or had to pick up some relative at the airport.
Sam: Okay, Diane, why do you have to leave early two weeks from this Wednesday?
Diane: Well, if you must know... I have a date.
Sam: Oh, yeah, I've heard of those. Have fun.
Diane: Oh, sweet transparent bravado. Could there be a soul dearer than the little boy lost, trembling on the edge of despair, yet struggling manfully to maintain his stiff upper lip?
Sam: Thank you for noticing.
Diane: Oh, wait, Sam, wait. One more thing.
Sam: What?
Diane: After our five-star-dinner and-season-premiere-of-the-ballet date, Chad - Dr. Stark, may desire a kiss. Would you mind - should he ask - if I let his lips touch mine?
Sam: Touch your what?