Frasier: Sam! Sam! There's that word again. Quit. Do you realize that you keep saying it? Could you stop saying it you wanted to?
Sam: Frasier?
Frasier: Sam, I know a quiet, peaceful little place in the country. I could get you in for the weekend. Lovely grounds, nice food, dress is casual. In fact, your tie and belt will be confiscated.
Sam: Frasier, I'm not going to a hospital. I am not having any more sessions. We're through. That's it. Now get the hell out.
Frasier: Sam! We did it!
Sam: Did what?
Frasier: You're a whole person, Sam. Really, I mean that.
Sam: I am?
Frasier: You stood up to me and took control. You're no longer a man who needs to run away from problems, who needs to need to drink, or needs to spend his weekends at a hospital bombed on Thorazine. Goodbye, Sam. Be well.

Sam: Oh, Frasier, wait a minute.
Frasier: Sam, you must break this attachment. Swim, Sam, swim.
Sam: No, no, Frasier, no. I just want you to tell me what you think put Diane in the "ha ha house".
Frasier: Well, I'm not her doctor, and even if I were, I couldn't discuss it.
Sam: Ah, it doesn't matter. I know she went nuts cos I kicked her out of here.
Frasier: By the way, Sam, I don't think you should use the word "nuts" when discussing Diane.
Sam: Well, you've met her. Give me a better one.
Frasier: Bonkers. [both laugh] You see, you don't need alcohol to have fun.
Frasier: In my profession there's no such thing as a closed door.
Sam: That explains how Diane got out.
Frasier: [laughs] You know, as long as you hang on to that sense of humor, I don't think you can ever go completely astray.

Carla: Hey, Frasier. Say hello to all your loons for me.
Frasier: Carla, why do you keep building walls between yourself and everyone else?
Carla: Have you taken a good look at everyone else?
Frasier: Touche.

Sam: Diane, rest assured I have no feelings left for you. Nothing.
Diane: I assure you I feel less than nothing for you.
Sam: Then there's nothing really left to say.
Diane: There is one other thing you should know. It's kind of important. There's another man in my life and he's someone you know.
Sam: Really? Who?
Diane: Frasier and I have been lovers for several weeks.
Sam: Ooh.
Diane: What do you mean, ooh?
Sam: No, I'm sorry. I just got a little mental picture there. It took me by surprise.

Diane: Frasier is a consulting psychiatrist at Golden Brook, though he wasn't my therapist.
Coach: How did you two get together?
Diane: I was playing croquet on the North Lawn one beautiful morning. It's a game I learned during my stay there and I got quite good at it.
[flashback to Diane bickering with an elderly woman as they play croquet:]
Diane: I saw you do that. You are a naughty, naughty girl. Very naught I saw you do it. Admit it. Be a grown-up.
Diane: [v.o.] It was amazing to me how I could just lose myself in the flow of the game.
Diane: Now, I'm annoyed.
Diane: [v.o.] I found when I played with someone of equal ability, it gave me an appreciation for the nobler aspects of competition.
Diane: What is this business?
Old Woman: I'm not going to play with you any more!
Diane: Fine, then go. Oh! Oh!
Diane: [v.o.] Frasier happened by in the midst of this spirited contest and he stopped to correct a flaw in my swing. My opponent on that particular day was as crafty a strategist as l. We really brought out the best in each other.
Frasier: Girls! Ladies!
Diane: [v.o.] Frasier remained not only to watch my game, but to good-naturedly arbitrate a close call for us.
I must admit that under the attentive gaze of a distinguished doctor, I lost some of my concentration on the game itself.
Frasier: Okay, who's your doctor?
[present:]
Diane: Who would have guessed that a leisurely game of croquet would provide me with such a trophy?
Frasier: Indeed.
Sam: That's quite a story.

Diane: Frasier, could we go now, please?
Frasier: Oh, of course, dear. I guess this is goodbye for now, Sam, but remember there's no such thing as a former patient. I think you'll find once you've been my patient of mine, I'm always there when you- [pager beeps] Oh, great. I'll bet this is important. Where's the phone?

Coach: Diane, listen. Listen, Diane. Please! I have something to say to you and it's straight from here.
Diane: What is it, Coach?
Coach: Oh, this is my heart, isn't it?
Diane: Yes. Yes, it is.
Coach: Diane, if you walk out that door, he's back on the bottle.
Diane: Oh. Well, I can't be responsible for that.
Coach: Please, Diane, don't tear his heart out again, please. You'd do us both a big favor if you just stick around for a while. Just a couple or three weeks. Just till he gets back on his feet. Please.
Diane: Well I've gone this far, I might as well persist until he's recovered.
Coach: She's back!

Coach: Great, uh, Sam? Diane's back.
Sam: Great. What did you say to her?
Coach: It was easy. I said she walks out that door, she's back in that nut house within a month.
Sam: Oh, I see.
Coach: You're not going to tell her, are you?
Sam: No, no, of course not.

Frasier: Well, Diane, shall we be off?
Diane: Oh, Frasier, I think I'm going to come back to work here.
Frasier: What? No, no, no, no. No. Listen, as Frasier Crane, MD, I don't think that's a good idea for the two of you. And as Frasier Crane, man, I don't think it's a good idea for the three of us.

Coach: Doc, could I have a word with you please?
Frasier: What about?
Coach: Uh, listen, Doc. If you take her out that door now, those two will be dreaming dreams about each other from now on. But, if she worked here, Doc, the hatred... Ooh!