Diane: Don't be coy. It doesn't go with the sloping forehead.
Sam: Did I tell you your boyfriend stopped by the other night? What's his name?
Diane: You know very well it's Frasier.
Sam: Frasier, right! Damn it. Boy, that's an easy name to forget. How are you two doing, anyway, huh?
Diane: Fine. Is there something on your mind?
Sam: No, why do you ask?
Diane: When there's a spot on an empty canvas, it tends to stand out.

Frasier: How could you betray my confidence, Sam?
Sam: You didn't say no telling.
Frasier: Oh, I see. I see. Obviously I made the mistake of treating you as an adult.
Diane: Why would you tell him anything to begin with?
Frasier: I was hoping for some insight.
Diane: Insight! From a man whose idea of intellectual stimulation is to count along with Big Bird?

Coach: Hey, Cliffie. Boy, can you believe the way those Sox are playing?
Cliff: Oh, boy, I really miss those carefree halcyon days when my only concern was a group of young lads playing baseball.
Norm: Cliffie, you got something on your mind?
Cliff: The shocking truth is, today I saw a fellow postal employee remove a fragrance sample from a magazine.
Sam: So?
Cliff: So, Sammy, that's in direct violation of postal employee regulations. It's a smudge on the arm of every mail carrier who ever donned this uniform.
Sam: So?
Cliff: So? Sam, look, on one hand, I don't want to be a snitch. But, on the other, I can't endorse anarchy. What should I do?
Norm: Compromise, have a beer.
Cliff: Ah, well I see I should look elsewhere for help on this.

Cliff: Well, I guess my choice is clear. I must follow my conscience and report this.
Sam: Oh, come on, man. It's a fragrance sample. Let it go.
Cliff: Let it go, Sammy? I let this go and tomorrow Hitler is in the White House.
Coach: I can do without that.
Cliff: Yeah, sure, it's only a perfume sample. But if the other employees see him getting away with this, they're gonna start taking things, too. First, whole magazines go missing. Then social security checks. Before you know it, Grandma's fruitcake doesn't make it to little Bobby, Peggy and Sue. And their little hearts will be broken, thinking Grandma forgot them this year.

Frasier: You know, while we're on the subject of Boston and the world and all of its people, I have this patient. Let's call him... Oh, give him any old name. Thor. And for the first time in my career as psychiatrist, I don't know how to deal with his problem. But it occurs to me that you might.
Sam: You want my opinion on one of your patients?
Frasier: Sam, believe it or not, psychiatrists do value input from outside the profession. I'd like the benefit of your experience. You know women. I mean, your sexual exploits could be thought of as a majestic panoramic mural.
Sam: And Thor's?
Frasier: A silly little doodle.

Frasier: Well, Thor's girlfriend, let's call her Electra, cried out another man's name during the act of love.
Sam: Oh, Thor. Ouch.
Frasier: Precisely. So, Sam, tell me. You've been with a lot of women. When you were with one of them, did she ever call out another man's name?
Sam: Well, I don't think so, but then who listens? Usually I've got the stereo turned up and other things on my mind. Tell me, whose name did Electra call out?
Frasier: An old boyfriend's.
Sam: Oh, double ouch.
Frasier: Yes. And although they've decided it means nothing, which it doesn't, Thor doesn't seem to be able to get over it. So, tell me, Sam, if Thor came to you, what would you tell him?
Sam: I'd tell him the truth, that it happens all the time.
Frasier: Really, Sam?
Sam: Yeah, it happens to all guys. As a matter of fact, I think I just remembered it's happened to me before, lots of times. I think I turned the stereo up in the first place because of that.
Frasier: Really? Well, thank you, Sam. I'll pass that along to...
Sam: Thor.

Diane: Do you know that in his arrogance, he thought that when I called out "Sam", I was referring to him.
Sam: And you weren't?
Diane: No! It was a different Sam entirely. It was... Sam Goldwyn. His movies always gave me great pleasure.

Diane: What actors we are, Sam.
Sam: Huh?
Diane: I'm amazed we could pull that off.
Sam: Pull what off?
Diane: Fooling a man so versed in human behavior. There is a spark, isn't there, Sam?
Sam: Well... Gee...
Diane: I don't think it would take much encouragement to turn it into an inferno.
Sam: Oh, yeah. Maybe you're right.
Diane: Sam, let's stop stopping ourselves. Let's let it happen.
Sam: Happen. Happen, yeah. [Diane kisses him] Oh, Diane-
Diane: Frasier! [they stop kissing] Oops!
Sam: Oh, yeah? Well, ha ha! [screams]

Frasier: Well, it's getting late. Thanks for the cold one, Sam.
Sam: You're welcome, Frasier.
Frasier: The beer, I mean, not Diane. [laughs] You know, two sips of liquor and I'm a jack-a-ninny.

Sam: No, listen, if I had something to say, I'd say it. I'd even yell it out. Passionately. [goes into his office]
Diane: [follows Sam] What exactly did you and Frasier talk about?
Sam: Oh, come on, Diane. Let's drop this whole thing. It's going nowhere. We both have more important work to get back to. I know I'm running a little behind.
Diane: I hate it when you're smug. It means you think you have something on me. And I emphasize 'think'.
Sam: Ooh, I'm not thinking.
Diane: No, but this is as close as you get.