Frasier: Hi, Wood. Let me get a beer, will you? Oh, say, what'd you do to your thumb there?
Woody: Oh, well, it's a long story, but, uh, I was playing this guy some pool last night, and I had this one-four-seven combination.
Frasier: Yeah.
Woody: So, I was trying to show off and sink all of them in one shot, but the balls were positioned in such a way that I had to lean way over the edge of the table and get in a kind of twisted-up...
Frasier: Yeah, so, what, you fell and you broke your thumb?
Woody: No. I still couldn't get the shot, so I went and got the bridge and I got up on a chair and I put all my weight on the bridge.
Frasier: And it snapped and you fell and broke your thumb?
Woody: No. I made the shot and I beat the guy.
Frasier: Oh, so he got angry and he broke your thumb, right?
Woody: No, I beat him fair and square and he paid me the ten bucks he owed me.
Frasier: So, how did you break your thumb?
Woody: I slipped on the ice on the way home.
Frasier: Woody, why did you go into all that long-winded detail about the game?
Woody: Well, now, it wouldn't have been much of a story without the pool stuff.
Man: Hello, Woody. What happened to your thumb?
Woody: Oh, I slipped on the ice.
Frasier: Woody, why didn't you tell him the long, drawn-out version?
Woody: That's the guy I was playing pool with.

Carla: What the hell is keeping Diane? I'm gonna be late for school.
Frasier: School, Carla? Well, I must say I'm delightfully astonished. You know, I've always held that adult education is one of the finest gifts that one can give oneself. Kudos on joining the ever-burgeoning ranks of enlightened, wondering minds seeking betterment through knowledge.
Carla: It's traffic school, you nimrod.

Norm: You got pinched, huh, Carla?
Carla: Yeah, speeding. But it wasn't my fault. There was a leaf stuck on my windshield, and I had to gun her up to 80 to blow it off.
Woody: What, and the cop didn't believe you?
Carla: No. Couldn't be bribed, either.
Cliff: Carla, what, you offered a policeman money?
Carla: Money? With a body like this? Huh.

Frasier: Well, did you select something nice?
Diane: We've committed to Royal Doulton's Carlisle for the fine china, but Sam still hasn't made up his mind about the everyday ware.
Sam: Yes, I have. l, I like the dishes with the different colored flowers.
Diane: Oh, ish!
Sam: Come on, I love those. They're just like I had when I was a kid. They're real pretty, and- And if you don't like the food on your plate, you can hide it in the pattern.
Diane: Okay, fine. Well, uh, why don't you think about it, and if you still insist that they're not the most garish, bourgeois, stomach-turningly ugly pattern in the book, then that's what we'll get.

Woody: Hold on now, I don't know. I may not have known Sam as long as some of you guys, but we're pretty darned close. I think I'm kind of like the brother he never had.
Norm: Wait, Woody, Sam has a brother.
Woody: Guess we're not as close as I thought.

Norm: Better make hay, buddy. After this, it is one woman for the rest of your life.
Frasier: Oh, boy.
Sam: I- I never really thought about it in those terms before. One woman for the rest of my life. [everyone chuckles] I mean, don't get me wrong. I mean, she's... She's a... She's a great woman, but, uh there's only one of her for the rest of my life.
Norm: But, you know, it'll go quickly. Just go- Go ahead, cut the cake.
Sam: Boy, it really makes you think. You know, I've been a bachelor a good long time. I mean, a good lot of women. Now there won't be any more women. Just woman. One woman.
Frasier: Yeah, but what a woman! I mean, you know what? I've got an idea. Why don't we have some cake? [everyone agreeing]
Sam: One perfume. One set of earlobes. Not, not even sensitive earlobes. One pair of lips flapping in my ears day after day until I die. Oh, my God!
Norm: Sammy, Sammy, that's great. Look, we got a big, wonderful cake here, you know, with a with a very special surprise inside which just might spoil if you don't shut up!
Sam: Uh... I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What am I doing? I mean, if I'm going to tie myself to the old ball and chain, I might as well get one last night of freedom in here. [everyone agreeing] Okay, bring her out here. Strap her on. Come on.
All: Yeah!
[A furious Diane emerges from the cake in a skimpy outfit]
Diane: Strap this on! [covers Sam's face in cake]
Woody: Sam, you should see the look on your face!

Sam: Come on, listen, snap out of this, will you? I mean, I- I didn't say all that stuff last night to hurt your feelings.
Diane: My feelings aren't hurt. I just feel bad for you. Sentenced to a life with one perfume, one set of insensitive earlobes, one set of lips flapping in your ear till you die.
Sam: Come on! I was with a bunch of guys. I mean, they forced me to make a speech. How the hell did I know my fiance was hiding in the cake, taking dictation?
Diane: Did you mean it, Sam?
Sam: No. See, it's just this this whole marriage thing's kind of snuck up on me, that's all. I mean, I'm happy that you're the only woman I'll make love to again... ever. [Diane snaps her fingers as Sam stares dreamily into the distance] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but-but, you see I mean, if I had known that the last one was going to be the last one, l- l- l would've prepared myself for it. Sweetheart, it's kind of like popcorn. Now, you- You can munch away as long as you know there's a bowlful, but, you know, if all of a sudden, it's all gone, there's nothing left but the salt and the duds, well, you feel bad, because if you'd known the last kernel was the last one, you would've savored it. Am I making myself clear on this?
Diane: Oh, yes, yes. I'm salt and duds.

Carla: Sammy back yet?
Cliff: Uh, well, uh, "T" minus 30 minutes and counting.
Carla: I figure right about now, Sammy's probably leaning back in bed and smoking.
Cliff: Oh, wait, I don't, uh, remember ever seeing Sammy smoke a cigarette.
Carla: Who said anything about cigarettes?

Sam: All right. Where were you last night, hmm?
Diane: I was taking full advantage of my 24 hours. I looked into the recesses of my heart, and I realized that I still had one oat that needed to be sown. One fantastic oat.
Sam: Is that all you think about, sex? You know, it's disgusting! Wh- Wh- Whatever happened to romance, to commitment? I mean, look at you! Look at you! You haven't even changed your dress!
Diane: I am wearing this dress again because I like it. It sets off my eyes.
Sam: Yeah, I'll set off your eyes. You know... You want know something? I had the exact same 24 hours you did, and I didn't do anything. You know why? Because I happen to be a one-woman guy. I mean... I mean, I think we got something special going here, and I didn't want to cheapen it, like somebody else I could mention. You- You know, people could refer to you as a tart.
Diane: How can you say that?
Sam: Easy. Tart! Tart, tart, tart, tart!
Sam: I mean, what- What else do you call somebody who didn't go home?
Diane: How do you know that?
Sam: Because I was idiot enough to spend the entire night watching your apartment from my car, and you did not go home.

Diane: Well, you must be exhausted.
Sam: Yeah, yeah, that's right! I'm exhausted. You're damned right, I'm exhausted.
Diane: Oh, come on, Sam. Now, you had a little catnap around 6:00 a.m.
Sam: Did not. How'd you know that?
Diane: Because I was down the street in my car watching you watch me.
Sam: Oh, my God, you spied on me! I mean, that stinks! What- What hap- What happened to faith? What- What- What happened what happened to trust? My God!
Diane: Sam! I took a lover's leap of faith in granting you sexual carte blanche for the past 24 hours! And just as my heart suspected, instead of gallivanting about, you spent the whole time spying on me.
Sam: [wry chuckle] I had one last night to go out and have a great time, and I blow it. God, I'm a poor excuse for a stud.