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Dog Bites Cliff

‘Dog Bites Cliff’

Season 5, Episode 19 -  Aired February 19, 1987

After being bitten by a dog on his postal route, Cliff files a lawsuit against the dog's owner, Madeline (Anita Morris), only to be blinded by the defandant's beauty.

Quote from Woody

[As Woody goes to answer the phone, he accidentally drops it in a bucket of water on account of his injured arm.]
Woody: [answers phone] Cheers. Yeah, oh, just a minute, please. Mr. Clavin, for you.
Cliff: Uh, take a message. I'll call 'em back, Wood.
Woody: Yeah, can he get back to you? Oh, yes, ma'am. She wants to know how your leg is.
Cliff: Eh? Eh? See? The mutt's owner tracked me down. Well, tell her that she can deep-six that phony concern of hers. It doesn't cut it with me.
Woody: You can deep-six your phony concern. It doesn't cut it with him.
Cliff: Tell her my leg and I will see her in court.
Woody: His leg and him will see you in court. Oh, okay, I'll tell him. [hangs up] Uh, your mom wants you to be home by 6:00 for dinner.
Cliff: Woody, Woody, why didn't you tell me it was my mother?
Woody: I just did.
Cliff: No, I mean before.
Woody: Well, I didn't know it was her till I picked up the phone.
Cliff: No, Woody... When you were talkin' to her, why didn't you say it was her?
Woody: She already knew that.
Sam: Uh, I'd leave it alone, Cliff. I think it's one of those Zen koan things.

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Quote from Woody

Woody: Oh, man, that Hulk Hogan is amazing, isn't he?
Frasier: Woody, the thing is fixed.
Woody: Oh, that's too bad. Hulk Hogan can't have children.
Frasier: It's evolution's loss.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: And, uh, she hung up the phone and said, "Cliff, uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but, uh, my husband's come back."
Norm: Wait a minute now. She's married all this time and never told you?
Cliff: Yeah. Seems that her husband, a true and gallant soldier of these United States, was, uh, lost and presumed dead during some, uh, secret mission out there in the Far East. Oh, as it turns out, he was only wounded, and although he suffered, uh, years of torture. See, uh, uh, somehow, he managed to, uh, dig a tunnel with a pair of chopsticks and make his way to a, uh, pay phone and, uh, give her a call.
Sam: Cliff, this is an unbelievable story.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, Sammy. It's unbelievable to me, and I was there. But, uh, she barely had time to blow me a kiss and wish me a happy life, and, uh then she was gone like a dream in the night.
Carla: What a maroon.

Quote from Woody

Cliff: I guess we were like a pair of lovers that were never meant to be. Like Romeo and Juliet. Rhett, Scarlett. Heathcliff, Kathy.
Woody: Heath, Cliff and Kathy? Isn't that three people, Mr. Clavin?

Quote from Diane

Diane: Um, that was a Buddhist monastery called The Glade. I've been hoping to go on retreat there, and guess what? They have a vacancy.
Sam: Oh, great! Yeah, I heard all the monks went to Fort Lauderdale this year.
Diane: No, Sam, it's not a resort. It's a contemplative retreat where people go as a means of purifying their souls. For two weeks, you're isolated from others to commune with yourself. You are provided with a small room. You're fed pure, toxin-free foods. Oh, oh, wait, wait. And they have the biggest Buddha east of the Mississippi.
Sam: Ooh! Man! Boy, he is a bruiser, isn't he?
Sam: Well, it's not exactly Vegas, but, uh, all right, I'll give it a try. Wh- Wh- What should I bring?
Diane: Oh. No, Sam I'm going alone. Only in my solitude can I discover who we are.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Oh, Sam, uh, may I speak to you for a minute?
Sam: Oh, it'd be a new record if you do.

Quote from Woody

Sam: Hey, Cliffie. What's with your leg?
Cliff: Eh, I'd rather not talk about it. [Norm counts off Cliff's silence on his fingers] Got bitten by a dog. Ten stitches to close the wound. I tell you, these unleashed animals are a menace to postal workers.
Carla: Well, you're going to sue, aren't you?
Cliff: Well...
Woody: Now, I may be wrong, Carla, but I don't think you can sue members of the animal kingdom.
Carla: I'm talking about the owners, Nellie Belle.

Quote from Sam

Woody: Hey, maybe I could sue somebody about my broken thumb. I mean, after all, I did slip on the ice.
Sam: Well, maybe so. Where'd it happen?
Woody: Right outside the bar here.
Sam: No, you don't have a case.

Quote from Cliff

Madeline Keith: Look, um... I don't have very much money, but I'd like to help with the doctor bills.
Sam: [to Cliff] That's good.
Cliff: That's good.
Madeline Keith: Anything to ease the burden on you and your family.
Sam: [to Cliff] You're not married.
Cliff: You're not married. Oh, oh, I mean, I'm not married. But I could be if I wanted to, right, Sam?
Sam: Sure, Cliff.
Madeline Keith: Well I can't imagine a man like you living alone.
Cliff: Uh, uh, I don't live alone. I live with my mother.
Madeline Keith: Oh?
Cliff: Yeah, well, it's, you know, not that I have to. It's we're related. Uh, well, you know, don't get me wrong. I mean, I like her.
Madeline Keith: Uh... No, I think it's wonderful that you're taking care of your mother in her old age.
Cliff: Oh, uh, couldn't throw her out in the street, I guess, huh? Hey, I mean, who- Who'd make my lunch?
Madeline Keith: [laughs] Oh, Mr. Clavin You know it's too bad we didn't meet under different circumstances. We could've been friends.
Cliff: Yeah I guess that is too bad, huh?
Madeline Keith: Look here is my number. If you need anything call me.

Quote from Norm

Sam: Are you still planning to go through with the lawsuit?
Cliff: Well, you, uh, you know how slowly the wheels of justice grind there, Samuel. [walks away]
Carla: Uh-oh. [Sam whistles] Guess what sap is being suckered into dropping a lawsuit?
Norm: Well, now, not necessarily now, all right? Let's just take a look at all these facts, as complicated as they may be, and see if we can come to a conclusion about this. Okay, let's start where this gorgeous woman is interested in Cliff, all right? Now, I don't think we have to go any further than that.

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