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‘Dog Bites Cliff’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Dog Bites Cliff

519. Dog Bites Cliff

Aired February 19, 1987

After being bitten by a dog on his postal route, Cliff files a lawsuit against the dog's owner, Madeline (Anita Morris), only to be blinded by the defandant's beauty.

Quote from Woody

[As Woody goes to answer the phone, he accidentally drops it in a bucket of water on account of his injured arm.]
Woody: [answers phone] Cheers. Yeah, oh, just a minute, please. Mr. Clavin, for you.
Cliff: Uh, take a message. I'll call 'em back, Wood.
Woody: Yeah, can he get back to you? Oh, yes, ma'am. She wants to know how your leg is.
Cliff: Eh? Eh? See? The mutt's owner tracked me down. Well, tell her that she can deep-six that phony concern of hers. It doesn't cut it with me.
Woody: You can deep-six your phony concern. It doesn't cut it with him.
Cliff: Tell her my leg and I will see her in court.
Woody: His leg and him will see you in court. Oh, okay, I'll tell him. [hangs up] Uh, your mom wants you to be home by 6:00 for dinner.
Cliff: Woody, Woody, why didn't you tell me it was my mother?
Woody: I just did.
Cliff: No, I mean before.
Woody: Well, I didn't know it was her till I picked up the phone.
Cliff: No, Woody... When you were talkin' to her, why didn't you say it was her?
Woody: She already knew that.
Sam: Uh, I'd leave it alone, Cliff. I think it's one of those Zen koan things.

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Quote from Woody

Woody: Oh, man, that Hulk Hogan is amazing, isn't he?
Frasier: Woody, the thing is fixed.
Woody: Oh, that's too bad. Hulk Hogan can't have children.
Frasier: It's evolution's loss.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: And, uh, she hung up the phone and said, "Cliff, uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but, uh, my husband's come back."
Norm: Wait a minute now. She's married all this time and never told you?
Cliff: Yeah. Seems that her husband, a true and gallant soldier of these United States, was, uh, lost and presumed dead during some, uh, secret mission out there in the Far East. Oh, as it turns out, he was only wounded, and although he suffered, uh, years of torture. See, uh, uh, somehow, he managed to, uh, dig a tunnel with a pair of chopsticks and make his way to a, uh, pay phone and, uh, give her a call.
Sam: Cliff, this is an unbelievable story.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, Sammy. It's unbelievable to me, and I was there. But, uh, she barely had time to blow me a kiss and wish me a happy life, and, uh then she was gone like a dream in the night.
Carla: What a maroon.

Quote from Woody

Cliff: I guess we were like a pair of lovers that were never meant to be. Like Romeo and Juliet. Rhett, Scarlett. Heathcliff, Kathy.
Woody: Heath, Cliff and Kathy? Isn't that three people, Mr. Clavin?

Quote from Diane

Diane: Um, that was a Buddhist monastery called The Glade. I've been hoping to go on retreat there, and guess what? They have a vacancy.
Sam: Oh, great! Yeah, I heard all the monks went to Fort Lauderdale this year.
Diane: No, Sam, it's not a resort. It's a contemplative retreat where people go as a means of purifying their souls. For two weeks, you're isolated from others to commune with yourself. You are provided with a small room. You're fed pure, toxin-free foods. Oh, oh, wait, wait. And they have the biggest Buddha east of the Mississippi.
Sam: Ooh! Man! Boy, he is a bruiser, isn't he?
Sam: Well, it's not exactly Vegas, but, uh, all right, I'll give it a try. Wh- Wh- What should I bring?
Diane: Oh. No, Sam I'm going alone. Only in my solitude can I discover who we are.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Oh, Sam, uh, may I speak to you for a minute?
Sam: Oh, it'd be a new record if you do.

Quote from Woody

Sam: Hey, Cliffie. What's with your leg?
Cliff: Eh, I'd rather not talk about it. [Norm counts off Cliff's silence on his fingers] Got bitten by a dog. Ten stitches to close the wound. I tell you, these unleashed animals are a menace to postal workers.
Carla: Well, you're going to sue, aren't you?
Cliff: Well...
Woody: Now, I may be wrong, Carla, but I don't think you can sue members of the animal kingdom.
Carla: I'm talking about the owners, Nellie Belle.

Quote from Sam

Woody: Hey, maybe I could sue somebody about my broken thumb. I mean, after all, I did slip on the ice.
Sam: Well, maybe so. Where'd it happen?
Woody: Right outside the bar here.
Sam: No, you don't have a case.

Quote from Cliff

Madeline Keith: Look, um... I don't have very much money, but I'd like to help with the doctor bills.
Sam: [to Cliff] That's good.
Cliff: That's good.
Madeline Keith: Anything to ease the burden on you and your family.
Sam: [to Cliff] You're not married.
Cliff: You're not married. Oh, oh, I mean, I'm not married. But I could be if I wanted to, right, Sam?
Sam: Sure, Cliff.
Madeline Keith: Well I can't imagine a man like you living alone.
Cliff: Uh, uh, I don't live alone. I live with my mother.
Madeline Keith: Oh?
Cliff: Yeah, well, it's, you know, not that I have to. It's we're related. Uh, well, you know, don't get me wrong. I mean, I like her.
Madeline Keith: Uh... No, I think it's wonderful that you're taking care of your mother in her old age.
Cliff: Oh, uh, couldn't throw her out in the street, I guess, huh? Hey, I mean, who- Who'd make my lunch?
Madeline Keith: [laughs] Oh, Mr. Clavin You know it's too bad we didn't meet under different circumstances. We could've been friends.
Cliff: Yeah I guess that is too bad, huh?
Madeline Keith: Look here is my number. If you need anything call me.

Quote from Norm

Sam: Are you still planning to go through with the lawsuit?
Cliff: Well, you, uh, you know how slowly the wheels of justice grind there, Samuel. [walks away]
Carla: Uh-oh. [Sam whistles] Guess what sap is being suckered into dropping a lawsuit?
Norm: Well, now, not necessarily now, all right? Let's just take a look at all these facts, as complicated as they may be, and see if we can come to a conclusion about this. Okay, let's start where this gorgeous woman is interested in Cliff, all right? Now, I don't think we have to go any further than that.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: No, now, just a second. I mean, I don't think we're really being fair. Now, let's say if an ugly woman were interested in Cliff, would any of us be suspicious?
Carla: If a living woman were interested in Cliff, I'd be suspicious.
Woody: You know, I got to go along with Dr. Crane on this one. I can't believe that someone would actually lie just to save a lot of money.
Frasier: Woody, don't help me, okay?

Quote from Carla

Sam: Listen, somebody's got to tell Cliff the truth.
Norm: I guarantee that he'll never talk to the person who does.
Carla: Okay, you talked me into it. Hey, Hopalong! Come here. I want to talk to you. [clears throat] I don't know how to tell you this. Wait a minute. Yes, I do. You're an idiot! Everybody in the bar thinks that babe is playing you for a fool and the second you drop your lawsuit, you're history. You are a sap.
Cliff: I know but I'm having the time of my life. You know, uh, how often am I a sap with a beautiful woman? I mean, I usually am a sap with the bowsers, but, uh... When Madeline and I walk into a restaurant, all the guys' heads, they turn. And they're not saying, "Hey there's a beautiful woman over there with a sap."
Carla: Yes, they are.
Cliff: Look, all I know is that as long as we're together, there's a good chance she may grant me the, uh, ultimate favor.
Carla: Yeah, right, Clavin. You're threatening to sue her, not kill her.

Quote from Cliff

Madeline Keith: When this first began, I thought I could get you to drop the lawsuit, if I was nice to you. But then, the funniest thing happened. I grew to like you... a lot. But I'll understand if you hate me for what I was going to do. I was playing with your emotions when you've been so honest with me.
Cliff: Uh, well, I- I forgive you, Madeline, uh...
Madeline Keith: No, you're a decent guy, Cliff. Maybe I just better go.
Cliff: No, uh, Madeline, wait. Uh, look, l- l- l Anything you did, it doesn't make a difference to me.
Madeline Keith: You're not just saying that to make me feel better?
Cliff: No, I swear it. Scout's honor.
Madeline Keith: Oh, Cliff, oh! [they hug] Oh! Doesn't it feel good to clear the air?
Cliff: Oh, yeah, it does.
Madeline Keith: Look, why don't we forget about the dinner and rent a room somewhere and just celebrate our socks off?
Cliff: Really? Well, uh well, the, uh, Ritz is just around the corner.
Madeline Keith: Why, Cliff, I think that's a wonderful idea.
Cliff: Carla, would, uh, you be a dear and, uh, cancel dinner reservations for the, uh, Sap party? We're, uh we're going to have, uh, Ritz service at the room. [chuckles] l, uh, I meant Ritz service at the room. Can you believe I said "Ritz service at the room"? What I meant was, uh, Ritz service at the room.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Don't work too hard there, Diane.
Diane: I don't mind. Our wedding day draws ever nearer, and all this conditioning is simply preparation for that special moment. When you and I exchange rings, my hands must be pristine, because everyone's eyes will be on my fingers.
Carla: And everyone's fingers'll be down their throats.
Diane: Oh, Carla. Sweet, pathetic Carla. Can't you see that I am in far too good a mood to let your petty asides bother me? I'm afraid you'll just have to find some other way of bugging me.
Carla: If you insist.
[Carla pushes Diane's still wet nails into the pile of cotton balls]

Quote from Sam

Sam: Wait a minute here. This isn't one of those weird cults where they-they mess with your head and you end up handing out flowers at the airport. You will be coming back, won't you?
Diane: No, I won't be coming back, but I will. [laughs] I guess I just made up a little Zen koan, didn't l?
Frasier: Let me explain. A koan is a paradox upon which one meditates in order to become more enlightened. Uh, well, for example, what was your face before your parents were born?
Sam: Easy. A ten. This is kind of fun. You got any more?

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, hey, hey, is Diane taking the day off again?
Sam: No.
Carla: Good.
Sam: She's taking two weeks off.
Carla: [gasps] No, Sammy, that's not fair! Come on, she's always takin' off for one stupid reason or another. Can't we just kill her?
Sam: Sh- She's my fiance, Carla.
Carla: Is that a yes?
Sam: No, it's not.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Eh, buono sera, mi amigos.
Sam: Hey, Cliffie, how's your leg?
Cliff: Oh, stiffening up there, Sammy. Uh, the muscle's all cramped, and I think the, uh, wound's getting a little infected. And the mental anguish that goes along with this... You know, you just you just can't put a price on this.
Norm: Well, let me guess here. You've seen an attorney.
Cliff: Yep. Yeah, yeah, the guy said that, uh, you know, 97% of all these canine attack cases, decided in favor of the postman.
Sam: Well, good for you, Cliff. You deserve to get a little satisfaction out of this.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah, about, uh, two hundred thousand clams' worth?
Sam: Two hundred thousand?!
Norm: Two hundred thousand dollars? Dinner is on Cliff, all right? Huh, what do you say, buddy? I'll go upstairs, snag us a table, check out the specials. I'll be right back.

Quote from Cliff

Steve: Hey, Cliff? Have you ever thought that you might be suing some poor, sweet, little old lady?
Cliff: Hey, listen, uh, sharpie, who she is is irrelevant. It's the letter of the law that's been violated here, and I just can't wait to get her into court and tear her to pieces with my verbal gymnastics. [chuckles]
Madeline Keith: [enters] Um, I'm looking for a Mr. Cliff Clavin.
Cliff: Yep.
Madeline Keith: You left this note in my mailbox. I'm afraid it was my dog that bit you.
Cliff: Uh... Uh...
Sam: Excuse me. Cliffie, wh- What are you trying to say?
Cliff: [speaking gibberish]
Sam: Yes, sh- She is very attractive.
Madeline Keith: Mr. Clavin, I'm terribly sorry about what happened. Uh, how is your leg?
Cliff: [speaking gibberish]
Norm: Cliffie, we're in luck. The special is filet of... [sees Madeline] filet... filet... filet...
Carla: Great. Stereo.

Quote from Cliff

Woody: Maybe it's just me, but I think that woman's kind of pretty.
Cliff: Really? l, uh... hadn't noticed.
Woody: Too busy thinking about the lawsuit, huh?
Cliff: Lawsuit?

Quote from Cliff

Norm: Cliffie, who died?
Cliff: The old Cliff Clavin, that's who, Normie.
Sam: Nice threads.
Cliff: Ah, thank you, Sammy. Can I have a little drink there, uh, Woody? We have, uh, enough time before Madeline and I go out to dinner this evening.
Norm: Wait a minute, are you still seeing each other?
Cliff: Every day this week, buddy.
Sam: Oh, things are getting pretty hot, huh?
Cliff: Sammy, our relationship is not based merely on the physical, huh?
Norm: He isn't getting any.

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