Sam: [answers phone] Cheers. Uh, Diane's busy at the moment. Can I say who's calling? Her mother? Oh, well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Chambers. I'm Sam Malone. Yeah? She mentioned me, huh? No, no, I'm not scratching myself at the moment. Yeah, hold on a second, I'll get her for you. Diane, it's your mother. Take it from me, you're not adopted.

Carla: Hey, hey, Vampira, get to work, here.
Diane: Carla, could we talk for a minute? I really need to talk to somebody. Carla, please? Have you ever lost a pet? Have you ever had a pet?
Carla: Are you kidding me? I've been through it a thousand times with the kids. Goldfish, parakeets, turtles...
Diane: No, no, no. A cat is different.
Carla: Yeah, you can't flush a cat.

Diane: Jack Daniel's.
Man: Miss. Miss, I ordered this on the rocks. [Diane sobs] No, no. It's not that bad, really. Sweetheart, it's no problem. I'm sorry. I like it this way. Look, look. [drinks] Mmm, good, good! Darling? Miss? Miss? Here's a tip for you.
Carla: Five bucks for a couple of tears?
[Carla walks over to another table and starts to wail. She blows her nose in her towel.]

Sam: Oh, come on! What is it you want?
Diane: I wanted a little sympathy.
Sam: Well, why didn't you say so?
Diane: Sam, there are subtleties of expression. I have been saying so all day with the look in my eye, the knit of my brow, my posture...
Sam: Well, how come you just don't use words?

Diane: Sam, you're exploiting this situation and it just doesn't feel right to me.
Sam: What? Exploiting?
Diane: We just got caught up in some wonderful emotions just now, and I would hate to see that turned into something sexual.
Sam: What are you accusing me of?
Diane: I'm not accusing you of anything. I would just like to know why this is happening.
Sam: What difference does it make, why it's happening? Look, we're helpless. I mean, we're swept away. What else can we do?
Diane: Sam!
Sam: You have never been helpless where women are involved.
Diane: Oh, jeez! Your problem is that the only way you can relate to women is sexually.

Norm: Diane? There's something my father used to say when we had a death in the family. Maybe it'll help. He'd say, "Sprinkle the ashes, all that tangibly remains of our dear one. But thank God for the intangibles. The impact of his life on ours. We remember the smile, the frown, the quizzical look, the love, the courage..."
Cliff: Hey, uh, commercials are over, Norm.
Norm: [quickly] Fun times, hurt, moments of searching, risk, affirmation, and a whole bunch of other stuff. Come on, Celtics, go!

Coach: Diane, this is Marshall. Marshall, Diane.
Diane: Hi, Marshall.
Coach: You're gonna love this kid, Diane. Very smart. Teaches at a college.
Diane: Ooh.
Marshall: MIT.
Coach: See? He can spell good, too.

Sam: Marshall teaches one of those subjects I know nothing about.
Diane: Could you narrow that down just a bit?
Marshall: I'm in cybernetics.
Sam: Right! Listen, the more we learn about cybers, the better we'll be able to control 'em, right?

Carla: Don't break too many hearts, Marshall.
Marshall: I get around you, and my testosterone goes up 78 percent. Do you really find me attractive?
Carla: Hey, I love a stylish guy. You've got the new wet look. Your hair, your palms...

Diane: Elizabeth is dead.
Coach: Oh, gee, Diane, that's awful.
Norm: A member of your family?
Diane: Elizabeth Barrett Browning. She was our family cat.
Norm: Cat? You scared us, Diane.
Sam: You should've said that right off the bat, Diane.
Coach: Diane, did you spend a lot of time with the cat?
Diane: Well, since I left home, I've only seen her during the holidays.
Coach: Oh, too bad.