Norm: Sammy, I think it's time for a romantic gesture, you know. Something like a little trinket to smooth the water.
Sam: No, I've done all that stuff before. And I'll tell you, it's going to take a lot more than music and a candlelit dinner to shut her up this time.
Coach: Sam, listen. I'm telling you, it's time for you to take a big step. Now, I wouldn't say this ordinarily to anyone in a million years. But you know what might help? If you actually had physical relations with her.
Sam: Uh... I don't think so, Coach. I think we're both going to wait until we're sure how we feel about each other.
Coach: You're a good old-fashioned guy, Sam.

Sam: Can we get back to this artist thing, please?
Cliff: Oh, yes. I deliver mail to an artist. Now, he's a very successful artist, too. And I'll tell you how successful he is. Yesterday, he received a letter, had a check in it for $25,853 from a guy named Sweeney.
Sam: How do you know what was on the check, man?
Cliff: Well, when I was putting it in the slot, it happened to pass in front of a 300-watt bulb.
Cliff: Do you want me to get on the horn, get him in here?
Sam: Yeah, I guess I could talk to him. Do you think he'd come down and bring some of his pictures?
Cliff: Sure, I'll give it a shot. I usually hesitate to use the power vested in me by the Post Office and the Almighty, but in this case I'll make an exception. Anybody got a dime?

Coach: Can I help you?
Phillip Semenko: I have come to pander to the tasteless.
Coach: Oh, you want to head the food committee. Wait a minute. We got a chairman for the food committee!
Cliff: Oh, I like my buffalo sunny-side up there, Chief.
Phillip Semenko: Are you referring to my apparel?
Cliff: Oh, hey, no offence there, Little Beaver, but it is a tad- Tad out of the mundane, you know.
Coach: Excuse me, sir, but what is that outfit?
Phillip Semenko: This is an Arapaho ceremonial tunic worn by the village elders when they hold council in their hunting lodge. I earned it by letting them pierce my flesh with wild turkey quills.
Coach: Well, this is a JC Penney wash and wear, tapered tails. The salesman was a little nasty, but I didn't have to go through anything like that.

Diane: Hello, everyone. I'm back.
Coach: Oh, hi, Diane.
Diane: I'm sorry I stormed off like that. I've cooled off. Coach, Carla, everybody, let's just continue. It's important that you all know I wasn't really trying to kill Sam when I wrapped the telephone cord- May I help you?
Phillip Semenko: That's the face I've been looking for.
Diane: Sorry, I'm still using it. I could let you visit it on weekends.

Carla: So how was dinner, Norm?
Norm: Oh, listen up, everybody. Stay away from that Hungry Heifer place. That new place downtown.
Coach: They've been advertising that a lot, Normie. No good, huh?
Norm: No, it was awful. They served me a terrible piece of meat, tough potatoes, soggy vegetables.
Carla: Why didn't you send it back?
Norm: Here's another thing, the service stinks. By the time the waiter got there to ask me if everything was OK, I was through.

Diane: Where have you been?
Sam: Well, I had to run a few errands. Oh, a funny thing happened to me this afternoon. I was on my way over to Boston Magazine to be interviewed as one of the 20 most eligible bachelors in the city, when I saw a man walking a dog. Now, the funny thing is the dog was not walking like a dog. He was walking like a man, up on his hind legs. But where's a camera when you need one? OK, enough jokes. Back to work.
Diane: Twenty most eligible bachelors?
Sam: What's that?
Diane: Boston Magazine? And you let them list you?
Sam: Well, if I hadn't I would have missed that funny dog.
Cliff: Yeah, you'll dine out on that story there, Sammy.

Diane: Sam, I'm very hurt by this.
Sam: Oh, well come on, don't be. All right, I'm going to tell you something right now that's going to make you feel better. I wanted it to be a surprise, but when I was talking to that lady reporter, I said "l may be a bachelor, but it so happens I already found the woman of my dreams and her name is Diane Chambers."
Diane: Really, Sam? That's very sweet.
Sam: Call and check. Her name's Helen Castella. She's still there. Go on.
Diane: I don't have to call. I believe you. I trust you. I think that was a wonderful thing to do.
Sam: Yeah, me, too.

Sam: Boy, I really did it this time.
Norm: What are you worried about? She already bought the story. When the magazine hits the stands, just tell her it's not your fault, the reporter didn't mention your sweetie.
Cliff: Yeah, it's foolproof.
Sam: Nah, nah, at best, I'm just buying time. She said she wouldn't call, but she'll call. There's a time when she wouldn't have called, but she'll call.
Coach: Sam, you don't trust Diane much, huh?
Sam: Coach, it's gotten to the point where I can't trust a thing that woman says.
Norm: I know what you mean. Once the trust goes out of a relationship, it's really no fun lying to them any more.

Carla: You wanna hear the most romantic thing I heard a guy do in a long time?
Sam: All right, what?
Carla: Well, I heard that Sally got mad at Burt because she heard he was going to do another movie with Loni. So Burt, to make up for it, had someone paint a portrait of Sally.
Cliff: Thank you very much for that enlightenment, Carla. Now we can knock it off with the fan magazine drivel, huh? I read yesterday that Burt and Sally are headed for the altar.
Sam: You know, that's not such a bad idea, having a portrait done. I mean, she'd like that kind of thing.
Cliff: Refill there, Sam.
Sam: You know, it shows some thinking. It's sensitive. It's personal.
Carla: The altar? How can Burt do that, with the terrible secret he and Dinah still share?

Sam: Come on, help me out now. Where do you go to find an artist? What do you do, do you go to a store or something?
Cliff: [scoffs] Store. Come on, Sam, we're not talking about TV dinners here. We're talking about artists. You gotta go to where the artists are. You know, to an artist's place. What's that terrible secret Burt and Dinah share?
Carla: I can't tell you. In a readers' poll, I voted they should have more privacy.