Coach: Hey, listen, fellas. Can I put this all in check for a minute? Now, I happen to be a wonderful artist and I'd just love to do a picture of Diane. I'd consider it a challenge and I'd welcome it.
Sam: You never told me about this talent.
Coach: Sure. Here, let me show you. Norm. Norm, just hold it like that, please. [Coach doodles] Stinks.
Sam: Yeah, it does.
Coach: Oh, I just remembered. It was my brother that had the artistic talent. Yeah, now I remember. My talent is eating things that aren't food.

Carla: Hey, Coach, someone just put their names on your picnic sheet here.
Coach: No kidding. How many?
Carla: Uh, three. We got Ziggy Stardust, the Mad Hatter and Clark Kent.
Coach: Wow, looks like I got myself an in-field.

Cliff: Here's the connoisseur. Sam, our artist friend Mr. Semenko is here.
Sam: Hi, I'm Sam Malone, Mr Cementma- Samakama-
Phillip Semenko: That walking fire hydrant over there told me you were a man of taste and intelligence. I see no evidence of that.
Sam: Well, maybe he's exaggerating a little bit. You see, actually I'm new to this art thing, but I've heard a lot of good things about you. And I think you may be just the guy to get me out of the dog house with my girlfriend, here. You know, by painting a little picture of her. I don't care how you do this, as long as you make it look like exactly like her, and if you could have it here by tomorrow, that would be great. I got some snapshots here I took while we were up in the mountains. That's her on the left there. These were taken up in New Hampshire. We've got this little cabin. [chuckles] How about that? I'm wearing the funny hat there in that one. This one's, uh... This one's pretty good. It's shot up in the cabin right there. You ever get up that way? [Sam notices that all the photos he's been handing to Semenko are on the floor] I guess not. You know, it is OK if you hold these by the edges. Is there a problem here?
Phillip Semenko: Your existence. I was told I was coming here to meet a wealthy art investor who could fill my coffers. No, I'm not above that yet. Instead, I find myself face-to-face with a nightmarish product of our floundering American educational system.
Sam: Hey, hey, hey. I don't have to take that. Do l? Why don't we just call this whole thing off. Yeah, I'm not so crazy about your attitude.
Phillip Semenko: You, sir, are an ignorant man. You are all ignorant. You are all stuff to fill graves.
Coach: Don't forget to tell your friends about Cheers?

Diane: What? What? What? What do you want from me?
Phillip Semenko: I'm Phillip Semenko. I want to paint you.
Diane: [gasps] Phillip Semenko, the genius? That's redundant. I've seen your work and you're brilliant. And I love this Arapaho ceremonial tunic. What are you doing here?
Phillip Semenko: Up to now, fondly remembering my bout with jaundice. [Diane laughs] Then I saw you. I want you to be my next subject.
Diane: Oh, you're kidding. Me? Why?
Phillip Semenko: You have an ancient soul and it's suffering. Suffering more now than it has ever suffered before.
Diane: Suffering?
Phillip Semenko: Yes. Your spirit is imprisoned, trapped. Stretched on a rack. Your eyes have the look of a strangling sparrow.
Diane: Well, that's in this year. Last year it was bangs.

Diane: Sam, for goodness' sake, will you stop? This is the chance of a lifetime. Can't you see how fascinated he is by me?
Phillip Semenko: I must start our sessions tomorrow. Maybe tonight. Maybe now.
Sam: Oh, whoa, whoa, wait a minute here. Don't you see what's going on? He's going to invite you over to his place, ask you to get all nuded up. Hey, that happens to be my territory, fella.

Diane: Sam, don't be silly. Of course he wouldn't want me nude. But even if he did, I'd do it. The man is brilliant. You don't want me in the nude, do you? God knows I'm open-minded about that sort of thing. It's just that this time of year there are so many colds around.
Phillip Semenko: I paint the soul, not the body. To me, every soul is naked.
Sam: The weirdo walks.
Diane: Sam, you can't do this. I want him to paint me. I can't let an opportunity like this pass.
Sam: Honey, I don't like him. You do anything with him - do anything, go anywhere, share a bus with him and we're through. I have spoken.
Diane: Fine.
Sam: What?
Diane: I said fine. Whatever you want. I see how strongly you feel about it, so fine.
Sam: Well, yeah? Well, in that case, I got something else I want to tell you. And as soon as I think of it, I will.

Phillip Semenko: I can only imagine the hell you've endured.
Diane: It hasn't been easy.
Phillip Semenko: Well, goodbye.
Diane: Wait. I really want you to paint me.
Phillip Semenko: What about that malignant growth you call a boyfriend?
Diane: Oh, just give him some time to cool down. Once he sees the finished work, he'll forgive me. He'll forgive you, he'll forgive everything.
Phillip Semenko: He'll hate it and he'll hate you for doing it. If you pose for me, it'll drive a permanent wedge between you and that man.
Diane: So you won't do it?
Phillip Semenko: I'll do it for free. [both exit]
Sam: Hey, listen up, everybody. I'm sorry about coming on so strong like that. I know you think it's pretty unprofessional of me , but roughhouse is the only language some people understand. And if I have to, I know how to speak it. Okay, thanks for your attention. Now, just go back and have some fun there. Where's Diane?

Phillip Semenko: I'm looking for Sam Malone. I was told he was interested in buying some of my work.
Cliff: You must be Phillip Semenko, huh? Oh, I'm Cliff Clavin, your mailman. We finally meet face to face.
Phillip Semenko: Oh, I can die now.
Cliff: Yeah, yeah. You've got a great wit about you. Thanks for stopping by.
Phillip Semenko: I don't like to be touched.
Cliff: Oh, hey, I can grok that. Yeah, I don't like to be touched either.
Carla: You know, I bet neither one of you has to tell that to a lot of people.