Rebecca: I don't understand why you guys think it is so cool to play these stupid practical jokes?
Sam: Honey, it's what keeps the child in us alive. Otherwise, we'd be just mature adults.
Rebecca: Yeah. I'd lie awake at night worrying about that one. Listen to me, all of you. I want you call Gary right now and apologize before he gets the idea of getting even and blows us to bits with an all-in-good-fun toilet explosion.
Woody: You're right. There's that attitude.

Cliff: Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. He may have planted somebody in the bar. Now, you see any strange faces? Just glance around nonchalantly.
Norm: Come on, Gary's smarter than that. He knows we'd be on the lookout for a stranger, so he'd plant somebody we know.
Sam: Yeah. Probably try to turn one of our own against us. So the idea is, who do we suspect the least?
Woody: I think it's me.
Carla: Aw, come on, Woody! How could Gary turn you against us?
Woody: I don't know, but if he can make it snow...
All: He didn't make it snow, you idiot!

Norm: All right, all right, but what do we do about Gary? What are we supposed to do, just sit here and wait and worry?
Carla: Well, what other choice do we have?
Cliff: Fail Safe.
Norm: What?
Carla: Huh?
Cliff: Sure. Fail Safe. Our situation here greatly parallels that film of the early 1960s that delighted and disturbed audiences of that time.
Norm: So your idea is we schnide ourselves before Gary does it to us?
Sam: Do something to ourselves to get back for what we did to Gary?
Carla: Oh, that's crazy. Come on.
Sam: No, no. Wait a minute. It might convince Gary not to do anything to us. We'd be the master of our own fate. And, fellas, bottom line is, we'd be getting it over with. What do you think?
Norm: All right. I buy it. All right. Sammy's right. I say we screw ourselves!
All: [chant] Screw ourselves! Screw ourselves! Screw ourselves!

Rebecca: Carla, where are Sam and Woody?
Carla: Oh, you'll find out soon enough. Don't worry your flat little head about it.
Rebecca: You did not answer my question, and for your information, my head is not flat. [Carla resets a beer on Rebecca's head] All right, but it is not little.

Frasier: Say, Carla, where's the inner circle?
Carla: Oh, Sammy and the guys had to do something, but they'll be back soon.
Frasier: Oh, don't tell me I missed something.
Carla: No, no.
Frasier: Now, Carla, I expressly posted my beeper number. If anything juicy happens, I'm to be paged.
Lilith: Frasier, an observation. You are spending way too much time here.

Carla: So, uh, how was your night off? Bet you spend a lot of time worrying about that kid of yours.
Frasier: No, not a bit. We had a wonderful time. We knew he was in good hands, so we just sat back and relaxed. We had a much needed, healthy night away from him.
Carla: That's terrific. Oh, by the way, your sitter called and she said that Frederick rolled over by himself for the first time.
Frasier: What?! And we missed it? We must be the worst parents in the world.
Lilith: Frasier, let's rush home, fall to our knees and beg his forgiveness.
Frasier: I'll never get over this until the day I die! [both run out]
Carla: New parents, they're always suckers for that gag.

Woody: Hang on a second, here, huh? What are we doing to ourselves? I mean, it's bad enough that Gary made us look like fools and now we're fighting amongst ourselves? This is not part of the deal.
Norm: Yeah, Woody's right.
Woody: Thank you, Mr. Peterson. Now, let's just relax, shave Sam's head, and discuss this rationally.

Woody: Carla, how come we can't tell Miss Howe what Sam's doing to Gary?
Carla: Oh, you know her. She thinks that anything that destroys property, costs money, or wastes time is stupid. I don't know. She's got an attitude problem.
Woody: Yeah, what is with her?

Sam: Say, Rebecca? So you mean that... That Gary had nothing to do with Tecumseh being missing?
Rebecca: Absolutely not.
Sam: Uh-oh.
Rebecca: What's wrong?
Sam: When we shut down Gary's bar on one of the busiest nights of the year, we did that for no good reason at all.
Rebecca: What? What are you talk... What did you do?
Sam: Well, uh... Sweetheart, you remember this, uh, treaty you and Gary signed?
Rebecca: Yes.
Sam: [lights it on fire] Gentlemen... We're at war.

Fire Marshal Dobbins: Excuse me. Is the manager here?
Sam: Why? Who wants to know?
Fire Marshal Dobbins: I'm the fire marshal. You're due for your routine 6-month inspection for safety code violations.
Sam: Oh...
Carla: Um, well, we're really glad you're here. Why don't you have a seat. Can I take your hat?
Fire Marshal Dobbins: Thanks.
Carla: Sure.
Norm: You probably want to be checking if this fire extinguisher is fully operational.
Fire Marshal Dobbins: Of course.
Carla: OK. [sprays the fire extinguisher into the man's hat]
Fire Marshal Dobbins: What are you doing?
Carla: Well, this hat is now up to code. [puts it on his head]