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‘50-50 Carla’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: 50-50 Carla

820. 50-50 Carla

Aired March 8, 1990

When Eddie's will is finally settled, Carla talks Gloria LeBec into sharing the small cash sum that Eddie left to her. When Carla learns that she is the recipient of Eddie's insurance policy, she is reluctant to share the proceeds with Gloria. Meanwhile, Woody is cast in a production of Hair.

Quote from Woody

Rebecca: How do you feel about doing that nude scene?
Woody: What are you talking about, Ms. Howe?
Rebecca: The nude scene. I was in a production of Hair when I was in college. There is this very famous scene where everybody takes off their clothes.
Woody: Come on, Ms. Howe, it's not like I just fell off the turnip truck. That happened years ago. Now back then, I might have believed this nude scene business. Actually, I guess I would have believed anything after being dragged 300 yards down a gravel road into a rosebush.
Frasier: Jeez, Woody, do you have any fond memories of childhood that you can cling to?
Woody: The roses smelled nice.

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Quote from Woody

Norm: Well, what's the problem there, Wood?
Woody: Well, my theater group's auditioning for our spring production. They want us each to get up and perform.
Norm: Hmm.
Woody: Got any suggestions?
Frasier: Why don't you do a dramatic monologue?
Robin: I hear Shakespeare's quite good.
Frasier: Or perhaps a classic like Rostand's "Cyrano de Bergerac."
Robin: Well, how about"Richard ll?" "This royal throne of kings, this scepter'd isle, this earth of majesty, this seat of Mars, this other Eden... Demi-paradise..." And so forth, you know. [applause]
Norm: All right!
Robin: Yes, I essayed the role at university.
Frasier: Well, I played Cyrano in college. Yeah. "My soul, be satisfied with flowers, with fruit, with weeds even, but gather them in the one garden you may call your own." [applause]
Robin: [stands up] "This precious stone set in the silver sea, which serves it in the office of a wall or as a moat defensive to a house, against the envy of less happier lands, this blessed plot, this earth, this realm... This England." [all cheering]
Frasier: [stands up] "I am too proud to be a parasite. And in my nature wants the germ that grows towering to heaven like the mountain pine, or like the oak, sheltering multitudes. I stand, not high it may be, but alone." [cheers and applause]
Woody: Hey, uh, thank you Mr. Colcord, Dr. Crane. But I think I'm just going to go with what I had planned.
Norm: What's that, Wood?
Woody: This.
[Woody bends down, sticks his head between his knees, wraps his arms around his back and walks out]

Quote from Frasier

Sam: What's the musical you're doing?
Woody: We're dusting off one of the old classics. Matter of fact, I got to start boning up on the period.
Frasier: Really? You know, I love the classic musicals. Which one you doing? Oklahoma? South Pacific?
Woody: No. Something called, uh, Hair. Hey, Dr. Crane, what was it like to be alive during the 1960s?
Frasier: Well, I don't remember much, Woody. I was too busy taming the west.

Quote from Woody

Rebecca: Woody, I'm not kidding. There is a nude scene. There it is, it's right at the end of act l. It's a very famous number. Everybody takes off all their clothes.
Woody: Come on, Ms. Howe, if everybody gets naked in this thing, how come they put me in charge of the costumes?
Rebecca: Ah, got me there, Woody.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Pretty tough on you, huh?
Carla: Well, I'm comforted to know that he left his other widow Gloria a hundred bucks. And I got the rest of his estate.
Sam: Well, that's great. What did you get?
Carla: Well, I got the bill from his funeral, I got the bill from his headstone, and all in all, I ended up with a big fat nothing.
Norm: It sounds like the other widow made out better than you did.
Carla: Yeah, well, yes and no. She got the hundred bucks. But when she wasn't looking, I copped her coat. What do you think?
Gloria LeBec: [enters] Hey. Give me back my coat, or I'm leaving with your pants.
Norm: All right, Carla, give her the coat.

Quote from Woody

Sam: Got any Michelob down there, Woody?
Woody: Checking, Sam.
[When Woody stands up he's wearing suspenders over his shirtless chest]
Norm: Wood, how much longer are you going to keep this up?
Woody: Till I get used to it. Dr. Crane says if I can get undressed a little bit at a time in a place where I feel safe and secure, then pretty soon, I can get naked anywhere.
Sam: You're making progress, huh, Wood?
Woody: Well, you bet. I mean, I'm still scared, cold, and self-conscious as all get-out, but I did pick up an extra 50 in tips.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: It's interesting is, as human beings, the most evolved species of the animal kingdom, we should assign such Victorian notions as guilt and shame to something as beautiful as the human body. You know, even Lilith, for example, still gets undressed in the dark.
Norm: Oh, come on. A woman with all Lilith's psychiatric training still has hang-ups about nudity?
Frasier: Actually, it was my suggestion.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: You know, Carla, the last time you and Gloria got together, the two of you were at each other's throats. I mean, all of a sudden, you're palling around like you were Mutt and Jeff. Well, you being Jeff, of course.

Quote from Norm

Frasier: You know what? I would venture to say that Carla has finally found a friend. It sort of put me in mind of the relationship you seem to have with Cliff, Norm.
Norm: Yeah.
Frasier: Hey, where is he tonight, anyway?
Norm: I don't know. He said something about going in the hospital. Bring me another beer, Sam? [off Frasier's look] All right, all right! I'll give him a call, or I'll stop by, or I'll ask him about it when he comes back.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, listen to this, everybody. Apparently, the ice show Eddie skated in had an accidental death policy, and I'm Eddie's beneficiary. Which is to say that Carla Lozoponi Tortelli LeBec is now worth a cool $50,000.
Norm: What?!
Carla: It means I'm rich, I'm telling you! I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm rich! [pushes Norm back on his stool and kisses him] I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm rich! Sam, I'm rich! Oh, my God, I'm rich! I'm rich.
Sam: Oh, hey, I can't believe this! Look at you! Can you imagine what you can buy with $25,000?
Carla: 25? I said 50! I'm rich! Come here, you big lug! [pulls Norm up over the bar and kisses him] I'm rich!
Sam: Well, hold it. The whole point is, honey... Listen to me. You made an agreement there to split the estate with Gloria.
Carla: Who?
Sam: Gloria.
Carla: Gloria?
Sam: Yeah.
Carla: Oh... Poor Gloria. Poor Gloria... Is not here right now and must never, ever find out.
Norm: Wait a minute, Carla, this doesn't seem exactly right.
Carla: OK, then try this. Poor Gloria, who isn't here right now to see me buy a round of beers for all my friends.
Norm: To poor Gloria!

Quote from Norm

All: [sing] For she's a jolly good fellow Which nobody can deny.
Norm: Carla, another round, please.
Carla: Bite my Francis.
Norm: [sings] For she's a tightfisted widow For she's a tightfisted...

Quote from Frasier

Woody: Hey, guys. Here I go. Off to my dress rehearsal. [chuckles] Dress rehearsal. What bitter irony.
Frasier: Now listen, Woody, when you take off your clothes on that stage, it's not exhibitionism. You are becoming a part of the rich heritage of the theater. You're joining a continuum that stretches back from Shakespeare to the Greeks to the Romans and all the way back into the endless mists of time.
Woody: Gee, I never thought about it that way, Dr. Crane.
Sam: Really? I had.
Woody: Well, maybe I am making too much of this. You know, it's not like they're forcing us to take our clothes off. In fact, the director said that we only have to take our clothes off if the spirit moves us.
Frasier: Well, what's your problem? You know, we are, after all, born naked, Woody. And it's man's natural state. I mean, you and I are both naked underneath our clothes.
Woody: Dr. Crane, you're a married man. [exits]
Frasier: Perhaps I'd do better to have a little chat with this gentleman here. [touches the statue of Tecumseh]

Quote from Woody

Frasier: Well, my friends, you have missed a once-in-a-lifetime landmark evening in the history of community theater.
Rebecca: Did Woody chicken out?
Frasier: Oh, no, indeed.
Woody: [enters] Why didn't you stop me, Mr. Peterson? Why didn't anybody stop me?
Rebecca: Woody, what happened?
Woody: Well, last week during rehearsal I kept thinking, "Why am I the only one who's afraid to get naked? Why am I the only one who's ashamed?" So tonight when I got out in front of that audience, I ripped off every stitch of clothing. And I looked around and I thought, "Why am I the only one who's naked?"
Sam: Well, maybe nobody noticed, Wood.
Frasier: Oh, they noticed, Sam.
Woody: As if that wasn't bad enough, I heard this high-pitched scream from the audience, "Hey, look. He's the only one who's naked."
Norm: Sorry, Wood. You took me by surprise.
Woody: Well, at least the evening wasn't a total disaster. I was really touched by this nice watch you guys gave me. I needed one, too. I lost one just like it about a month ago.

Quote from Carla

Carla: Well, I'm perfectly OK, Sam. I think I'm going to make it. I just have to hang in there for another three days, and Gloria will be on that bus back to Kenosha, and all my problems will be solved.
Sam: Now wait a minute, are you saying that it's her fault that you're shaking?
Carla: Of course she is. It's all part of her fiendish plan.
Sam: Why would she have a fiendish plan?
Carla: Because she knows all about the insurance money.
Sam: How do you know she knows?
Carla: Because she acts like she doesn't know! That's how I know she knows. Do you want to hear an example of what this cruel woman is trying to do to break my spirit? She's being nice. You know what she did last night? She did eight loads of laundry, and I don't have a washer and dryer.

Quote from Carla

Gloria LeBec: Carla. Carla, what are you doing here? I told you to stay home today. I've been worried sick about the way you've been shaking. I want you to go home right now and get some rest. I left a pot of minestrone on the stove.
Carla: Are you from hell?
Gloria LeBec: And I don't want you to worry about missing your pay here, because I'm going to finish your shift.
Carla: You are from hell. She is, she's from hell, Sam. From hell.
Gloria LeBec: Calm down...
Carla: No! No! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! You know about the money! Admit it! You know! I know you know! Oh, why are you torturing me like this? All right, all right, here it is. Here it is. Here's half of the 50,000 bucks from Eddie's insurance money. Here. Take it!
Gloria LeBec: Eddie had insurance money? I didn't know that.
Carla: Give me that! Oh, my God. Oh, the hell with it. Here. Take it. Great. I'm not shaking anymore. I can go back to hustling drinks. Oh, joy.
Gloria LeBec: So that's why you were shaking? Because your conscience was bothering you, and now out of the goodness of your heart, you're giving me all this money even though it's rightfully yours?
Carla: That's right, Gloria.
Gloria LeBec: What a chump.
Carla: What?
Gloria LeBec: Just because of a little shaking. Huh. No wonder Eddie wanted another wife.

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