Lucille: Get me a vodka, rocks.
Michael: Mom, it's breakfast.
Lucille: And a piece of toast.

Maeby: How do you think I feel? He said he would help me on this essay for The Old Man and the Sea.
Michael: I'll help you with that later.
Maeby: Oh, great. Okay. So you have to read this, and then explain it and, this is important, say it in my own words, okay? Smart, but not too smart. Let's have a four-syllable max.

Maeby: How 'bout I come with you? I mean, I could help you prepare.
Tobias: Yes, well, it's for a con man, which I don't think you know anything about. And besides, don't you have school?
Maeby: No. Um... Today is "Help Your Dad Follow His Dream" day.
Tobias: [chuckles] Great. We can take the carpool lane.

Lucille: Look at what Buster sent from the army.
Michael: It's blacked out.
Oscar: Oh, the government. Keep reading.
Michael: "Sergeant Blank is treating me very blank and it looks like I'll be shipping off to blank in about a blank.
I blank you, Mother. Buster."
Lucille: I've done everything I can. I even tried to convince them he's gay, but no one would believe that a woman like me would have a gay son.
Michael: Well, you certainly tried. You guys wore matching outfits till he was 12.
Narrator: Even once on a magazine cover that had been mocked within the family for years.

Michael: Please, Stan Sitwell's coming over.
Lucille: That hairless freak is coming here? None of his hair is real, you know.
Gob: You mean the guy we're meeting with can't even grow his own hair? Come on!
Michael: It's called alopecia, and I'd appreciate it if we could all be sensitive to it, okay? He happens to be a very modest and generous man.
Lucille: Modest and generous? Then why is he always waving giant $10 million checks over his head every time some-
Michael: Go ahead, Mom. Finish your thought. "Every time some children's hospital needs funding"?
Lucille: Nonetheless, we could get a giant checkbook too. We're just not that starved for attention.

George Michael: Wow, you're president again?
Michael: Yes, this is the way it should be. What do you think of when you hear the words, "Sudden Valley"?
George Michael: Salad dressing, I think. But for some reason, I don't wanna eat it.
Michael: Right. But "Paradise Gardens."
George Michael: Yeah. Okay. I can see marinating a chicken in that.

Michael: Looks like I'm gonna need that female backup player after all. And Ann's really good at softball, huh?
George Michael: Yeah. She's amazing. You know, she's got this low center of gravity. You can't knock her over.
Michael: Well, I could knock her over.
George Michael: Dad, I'm telling you, you can't. They call her "The Wall," you know?
Michael: Well, that's great. But I could knock her over. I won't, but I could.

Gob: Don't you find the timing of this meeting a little suspicious? Right before we play his company in softball?
Michael: No, no. Our business is in trouble, and I think he sees an opportunity. So, I figured the guy's a family man, why not invite him over and let him see us in our element.
Maeby: I hope you don't mean the whole family 'cause George Michael's off with Ann.
Michael: Ann? Hmm. That'll play well with Sitwell. "Where's your son?" "He's out with Ann." "Who's Ann?" "Don't ask me, I'm just the boy's father."
Gob: Hey, screw Sitwell! He comes in here telling us how to build our houses, how to raise our kids. We know what we're doing. We don't need any help from him. [closes refrigerator door] Damn it. This thing got pushed in again. Gonna need a butter knife.
Michael: That's what I'm talking about. George Michael's got these powerful little fingers. He should be here.

Michael: Do you wanna say something or should I, Tobias?
Tobias: No. I believe in letting children learn from their mistakes, Michael. They make a mistake once, they shan't make it twice. [leans against the refrigerator] Oh, here I go! Don't worry. It has not fallen into the garage.
Knock on wood. [loud crash]
Michael: You gonna want to help me with that?
Tobias: No, I can't. I have an audition tomorrow. I'm up for a minor, but meaty, role in a feature film. "Confidence Man Two."
Gob: Oh, yeah? I didn't see the first Confidence Man.
Tobias: No. Confidence Man Two is my character. I think I'll drive up today and plot my route to the studio.

Lindsay: I'm glad Sitwell's coming over. Let him see that we're doing fine as a family. The only help we need is from each other.
Michael: And apparently whatever's in that bottle.
Lindsay: Thanks for reminding me. My Teamocil.
Michael: Wait a minute. Teamocil? Isn't that that supplement that you and Tobias were hocking before the F.D.A. shut you down?
Narrator: In the mid '90s, Tobias formed a folk band to promote a supplement that promised better unity and teamwork.