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Switch Hitter

‘Switch Hitter’

Season 2, Episode 7 - Aired January 16, 2005

When Michael has a meeting with a competing housebuilder, Stan Sitwell (Ed Begley, Jr.), he tries to poach Gob, but George Sr. thinks it's all about the upcoming softball game. 

Quote from Gob

Gob: I told him to screw off. But get this, he offered me a job.
Michael: What?
[flashback:]
Gob: Well, I'm not waiting on my brother. I pass. You look surprised.
Sid Sitwell: I'm sorry. I must've put it on too high. But you were right. It was a bad offer and you were smart enough not to take it. You got gumption. You speak your mind. That means you're good enough to work for me.
Gob: [bleep] you.
[present:]
Gob: And I accepted. He's waiting for me outside. We're gonna swing by his wigmaker. His "just woke up" hair is finally ready.
Michael: You're really gonna do this?
Gob: It's ready, Mike. They're only gonna hold it for 24 hours.

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Quote from Michael

Michael: We lost our entire outfield and a couple of court cases.
George Michael: Well, you know who would be great and not at all litigious is Ann.
Michael: Mmm, not Ann.
George Michael: No?
Michael: 'Cause you know this- this game is kind of our thing.
George Michael: But Ann's amazing. You know, she could play my position.
Michael: You should be playing the field there, in right, you know? Plus, I got Aunt Lindsay playing this year. I can't very well pull her off the roster. Let's make Ann the backup, okay? Very good way to think about her as a backup.

Quote from Tobias

Narrator: At the studio, Tobias began to create buzz around the water cooler.
[montage:]
Tobias: That Funke is some kind of something.
Tobias: Boy, this Funke is all anybody's ever talking about.
Tobias: So sick and tired of hearing about how brilliant that Funke is. Overrated.

Quote from Maeby

Jeff: Sorry, is this your office?
Maeby: No. I'm just sitting behind someone else's desk pretending these are my kids. Can you get Jude Law in here for a meeting?
Jeff: Oh, I'm just a reader.
Maeby: A reader?
Jeff: Yeah.
Maeby: I need a report by tomorrow. Before gym- lunch with Jim Carrey. It's the Grinch guy. You're too young.

Quote from Gob

Gob: [on the phone] Here's the thing. I need more.
Michael: There were 34 proposals in there.
Gob: You'd be amazed how fast they come out when you read them all in a row.
[flashback:]
Gob: "Thirty-one, bamboo floor upgrades. Cheaper, stronger..." I can't read this word. "Thirty-two, wireless 'crapability."' That one explains itself. "Thirty-three"-
[present:]
Michael: Gob, that was six-months' worth of work. You can't just blurt them all out at once.

Quote from Lindsay

Michael: Lindsay, did that oven vent hit you? Your foot is bleeding.
Lindsay: My foot is bleeding.
Narrator: Teamocil may cause numbness of the extremities.
Michael: You're gonna be able to play on our team, right?
Lindsay: Why do you think I'm taking Teamocil?
Michael: To curb your sex drive.
Lindsay: That's right. What team are you talking about?
Narrator: It may also cause short-term memory loss.

Quote from Lucille

Lucille: Bill, they're shipping my son Buster off. I can't have that happen.
General Anderson: I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do.
Lucille: Is there anything I can do?
General Anderson: Maybe if you go downtown. [leans back in chair]
Lucille: Oh, I haven't done that in 30 years. [sings] When you're alone and life is making you lonely You can always go Downtown...

Quote from Gob

Michael: I want you to throw the softball game.
Gob: Never! He gave me this.
Michael: Course he did. Why do you think he hired you?
Gob: He liked my ideas.
Michael: They were my ideas, and, no, he didn't. He wants you for the softball game because he's trying to make our family look foolish.
Gob: I knew you had bad ideas. All right, we'll play him. I'll throw that softball game. Nobody makes a fool of our family without my help.

Quote from Maeby

Narrator: And Maeby picked up the reader's report, which had now become her book report.
Mort Meyers: Whatcha got there?
Narrator: I can't really discuss it.
Mort Meyers: If you wanna get it made, I'm the guy who has to see it. You're the Funke everyone's talking about? What are you, like, 15?
Maeby: Marry me.
Mort Meyers: Everyone thinks I look young too. So who are you thinking about?
Maeby: Jude Law. Why do you ask?
Mort Meyers: Yeah. Go young. Young Guy and the Sea. Big spring-breaker. Four C.G.I. The fish. Let's fast-track this one.
Narrator: And that's when Maeby realized she had become a successful film executive.

Quote from Lindsay

Lindsay: Michael, I could've sworn I just saw Dad. Or not. I think hallucination is one of the side-effects of Teamocil.
Narrator: It isn't.

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