Tobias: [removes headphones] All right, I'll listen to this later. And don't tell me where you've been. It'll just make me worry more. But guess what? There's a new daddy in town. A discipline daddy. [music stops] Oh, it's a- It's a parenting tape. If you want to skip school, that's fine. You'll just come to work with me.
Maeby: But you don't have a job.
Tobias: All right, here, tell you what we're going to do We are going to stuff each one of these gift bags with a head shot, some glitter, and a decorative hand soap. And we're going to send them to every casting director in town. And don't forget the funny notes. "I know where you live. Ha-ha."
Maeby: Casting directors hate this.
Narrator: They really do.
[flashback:]
Casting Director: The glitter queen struck again. Never hire Tobias Funke.

Lucille: His name is Andy something. I think he's Ed McMahon's kid, a song and dance man.
Narrator: Lucille, meanwhile, was there soliciting for the fundraiser, but still hadn't noticed him...
Lucille: We'll have the lobster tail.
Narrator: ...until this happened.
Gob: And maybe later you can save a little piece of tail for me. [sees his mother's face] Come on!
Lucille: [screams]
Woman: I hope that isn't the sort of humor Andy McMahon will be doing.
Gob: Lobster, ma'am?

Narrator: Meanwhile, Maeby was getting tired of being with her father.
Tobias: Now what we do is we paint our lips Joan Crawford red, pop on a little blue eyeliner and then plant a lipstick kiss on every one of them.
Maeby: Why the blue eyeliner?
Tobias: Well, she felt that her eyes were too close together.

Tobias: [answers phone] Hello? Uh, yeah. It's a casting director. Yes, he is available. Uh, let me put my, uh, our assistant on the phone with you. Thank you, yes. I better get changed.
Maeby: [takes the phone] Thanks, Deb. Yeah. So he's Tortured Victim #4, right? No, that's great. Yeah, he's really into discipline.

Michael: Hey, what'd you think of the speech?
George Michael: You'd do great at Openings.
Michael: You know, pal, you do not have to go there. I've just been very worried about your behavior. You know, you're always turning off burners and irons and it may be OCD.
George Michael: OCD? No, I'm just cleaning up after Aunt Lindsay. She never turns things off.
Michael: Well... Guess that explains why I saw the hedge trimmer zipping around the drive way. I did it again, didn't I? I'm so self-centered. From now on, I want you to just tell me what's on your mind, okay? And I promise I won't just hear what I want to hear. Okay?
George Michael: I love my cousin.
Michael: Love you, too, pal.

Michael: But now we're going to need a new lawyer. And that is going to mean about a $100,000 retainer. If we want a chance of keeping this family going past the next few weeks, we're going to have to pull out all the stops. What am I talking about? I'm talking about all of you getting jobs. Now the best place to look for a job-
[Gob throws a tomato at Michael, which splatters against the wall]
Lindsay: Ew!
Michael: Who threw the tomato?

Lindsay: Maybe he does need this school. Did you see this letter? You know, it's done wonders for Maeby.
Michael: "Maeby is an exceptional young lady."
Lindsay: Exceptional.
Michael: "We are sure that she is destined for great things..."
Lindsay: Great things.
Michael: "and we wish her luck in all her..." It says, "over." Probably have to crack this open to be sure, but this sounds like an expulsion letter. "She's never been to class."
Lindsay: What kind of boarding school would lose track of its students?
Michael: Openings is not a boarding school.
Tobias: I thought it was a boarding school, too.
Narrator: Actually, Maeby had been on the set of a film called Snowboarding School 2, in her secret life as a film executive.

Michael: There goes that non-refundable tuition. You know, it is the one rule that they do have there.
Lindsay: She should be punished for this. You know, Tobias, if I can become a more traditional mother, than maybe you could start being more of a...
Tobias: Non-traditional mother. Yes, you're right. After all, I am her father.

Narrator: He was actually having trouble expressing himself.
Donnie Richter: Why don't you tell the group about yourself.
George Michael: My name is George Michael Bluth. I'm a 16-year-old Caucasian male. My mom died. And I guess that's it.
Donnie Richter: Hardly. See, if it were me, I would say I'm Donnie Richter. I have a brother named Andy. He's an attention hog. He can't seem to really attract a real audience, but I love the fat S.O.B. anyway.
George Michael: Oh, I thought you looked like that guy Andy Richter. You guys are identical twins?
Donnie Richter: Identical quintuplets, actually.
Narrator: There was Andy the showoff, Donnie the sensitive one, Chareth the flirt, Rocky the risk-taker and Andy's stunt double and Emmet who asked that we not show his picture. Although, composite photography tells us he'd looks something like this.

Donnie Richter: Here's what I want you to do. I want you to go home tonight and write something about how you really feel. Something critical. Bring it in tomorrow and read it for the group.
George Michael: Will this go toward my grade?
Debrie: [chuckles] We don't have grades here. A student either learns and gets an "L," or they fluctuate in their learning.
George Michael: What do we get for that?
Donnie Richter: An "F."