Narrator: Michael had asked Lindsay to take care of the house, and to his surprise-
Michael: You're sort of doing it.
Narrator: ...she was sort of doing it.
Lindsay: Yeah, check it out. I found that canned ham that we'd had forever, and I put it in a pot of boiling water, and guess what I'm calling it?
Michael: Soup?
Lindsay: Hot ham water.

George Sr.: [on the phone] Instead of us all selling out and becoming housewives and waiters, why don't we have a big event? Some sort of "save our Bluths" type thing. We'll throw a legal defense fund dinner. Ask for donations.
Lucille: As long as we don't look desperate. We want them to think we'll take their help, but we don't need it. I should be seen a lot at the club.
Michael: Yeah, our backs are against the wall, it's just hard to accept that it's really come to begging.
George Sr.: Some times it's the only way to stay in the game.
Narrator: Please tell your friends about this show.

Lindsay: You know, I'm actually a really good mom. I think it's 'cause Maeby's never around. You should send George Michael to Openings, too.
Tobias: Yes, it could help him express his feelings.
Michael: My son expresses himself just fine. Isn't that right, son?
George Michael: What? Yeah fine. Uh, I guess... I don't care. Stop.
Tobias: Yes, he's a regular Freddy Wilson, that one.
Michael: I don't know that reference.
Lindsay: No, I don't either.
Tobias: Oh, I don't know either.
Narrator: It's this guy.

Michael: Hey, so what's going on with the fund-raiser?
George Sr.: Well, I don't think the Home Builders Organization is going to be supporting us.
Michael: Yeah, the HBO's not going to want us. What do we do now?
George Sr.: Well, I think it's show time. I think we have to have a show during dinner. Hey, we can have some celebrities in. You know, Oscar winners like Nicole Kidman...
Michael: I don't want to just round up a bunch of famous people that have nothing to do with our family as some sort of cheap stunt. I mean, what's that got to do with us?
George Sr.: Nothing. But you're going to write a speech about me so they can see how wonderful I am.
Michael: I think we've got a better chance at Nicole Kidman. Actually, I may have an in with Andy Richter.
George Sr.: Do you think you can get him? I'm kidding. Of course, not him.

George Sr.: George Michael is going to that new age feel-goodery? I don't think that's a good idea. They're going to poison him against you. Remember what happened when we sent Lindsay to that kind of school? All of a sudden I was the bad guy to her.
[flashback:]
Lindsay: And you don't respect Mom and you don't respect women.
Woman: [to George Sr.] Are you married?
George Sr.: Damn school.
[present:]
George Sr.: I said to the teacher, I said, "You poison her, I'll poison you."
Narrator: George Sr. did more than just say it. He sent the man a basket of poisoned muffins.
[news report from 1979:]
John Beard: Do you know the Muffin Man? There's a reward in it if you do. Then-- would you like some foam in your coffee? It's called a cuppakeno and wait till you see what it costs.

Michael: Well, am I the only one that thinks that this family is finally starting to become sympathetic and relatable? I mean, that's what people want to see. You know, Lindsay's taking care of the house.
Lucille: Oh, I forgot about that. Tell the "housewife" she's not coming either.
Buster: If you don't want her, you don't want me either. She's taking care of me. She glued my thumb back on. Sister's my new mother, Mother. And is it just me, or is she looking hotter, too?
Lucille: Well, why don't you marry her?
Buster: Maybe I will!
Michael: We're veering away from relatability again.

George Sr.: So why don't we just let him express himself. Go ahead, son.
Michael: Um, I was going to say that you don't know who my father really is and that what has happened to us is a great injustice, that we were never really given a fair chance. But that's not the truth. We've been given plenty of chances. And maybe the Bluths just aren't worth saving. Maybe we're not that likable, you know. We're very self-centered. And my father may be the worst of us. Me, too. You know, I seem to I threaten people who I don't feel support me. He poisons them. Anyway, here's my advice to you. Go ahead and take yourself a goody bag and get out of here while you can.
Narrator: The speech was disturbing, the food inedible and the gift bags pretty frightening. And when Gob realized he wouldn't get tipped...
Gob: Wait, no, no! Where's everyone going?
Narrator: ...the service got a little worse.
Gob: No one's leaving until I get my money! I'll follow you to your cars!
Narrator: Oh, and then that old racist woman choked on Buster's thumb.
Buster: My thumb!
Narrator: All in all, it was one of the Bluth's better dinner parties.

Gob: The boy who couldn't cry.
Buster: He's a robot!
Lindsay: Oh, Michael can cry. He doesn't want to rust.
Tobias: Yes, he's like the steel man from The Wizard From Oz.
Michael: Tin man?
Tobias: Is that what he's called?
Lindsay: He knows.

Narrator: Lindsay, meanwhile, was being a mother when someone showed up who needed one.
Lindsay: How'd you get here?
Buster: I walked. I tried hitchhiking, but it's hard to do without a thumb. I'm so hungry.
Lindsay: Would you like to try some of this?
Buster: It's so watery. And yet there's a smack of ham to it.
Lindsay: It's hot ham water.

Narrator: It was a complex situation without an easy solution.
Michael: [answers phone] Hello?
Lucille: The caterers didn't show up. I used the club. They said we owe them too much money. I guess all those lunches... I've got 50 people coming in three hours and nothing to feed them. No one to serve it. We have to make a good impression or we're finished.
Narrator: Now that's a clear cut situation with a promise of comedy. Tell your friends.