Michael: The problem is that Gentles doesn't really care for you. He's just using you to get back at Dad for escaping, at least that's according to his screenplay.
Lucille: You read it?
Michael: Yeah.
Lucille: Did you like the chlamydia thing? I gave him that.
Michael: You gave him chlamydia?
Lucille: He had crabs, and I said, "You're gonna get laughs."

Michael: So, can't a guy call his mom pretty without it seeming strange?
Buster: Amen! And how about that little piece of tail on her? Cute!
Michael: I've opened a door here that I regret.
Lucille: Oh, he's just talking about his stupid turtle.
Buster: She has a name, Mother. And it's "Mother."

Maeby: Wait, this is going to be at the prison? [Michael nods] Oh, great. Probably going to run into that warden.
Michael: How do you know the warden?
Maeby: Oh, right. Uh, he spoke at my school for a "Startled Straight" assembly.
Narrator: Actually, she'd met with him in the hopes of using his prison as a location for a film.
[flashback:]
Warden Stefan Gentles: I think you will find the dessert both engrossing and high-grossing.
Maeby: So, we don't get dessert?
[present:]
Maeby: Guess I have some reading to do.

Narrator: Buster, meanwhile, was also feeling abandoned by Mother.
Buster: [gasps] [holds dead turtle] Mother! I have no one now.
Narrator: But at that very moment, his true father returned.
Buster: Uncle/Father Oscar? What are you doing here?
Oscar: Well, you know me. I could never leave a little bud behind. [Buster hugs Oscar] Oh, a hug. Nice. You haven't seen a little box with a turtle on it, have you?
Buster: Oh, yeah. My turtle was living in it before he ate all the grass and died.
Oscar: He ate all the grass?
Buster: Yeah.
Oscar: Well, it's been great catching up.

Buster: Wait, wait, where are you going?
Oscar: No, I can't stay, because if my brother finds out that I'm here, he can try switching places again, and I can't go back to prison.
Buster: Wait, wait, wait. If my father comes in, you can hide in one of Gob's tricks.
Oscar: I can't.
Buster: At least you can stay and help me bury my poor turtle.
Oscar: Or we could cremate it.

Lucille: Everything looks delicious.
Warden Stefan Gentles: Oh, One Eye's a wonderful chef. I've had to go to his parole hearings twice, and lie through my teeth to keep him here.
Lucille: [laughs]
Michael: Hi, I just, uh- Wow. What are you guys doing?
Warden Stefan Gentles: It's perfectly innocent. But I can see how, if our roles were reversed, I might have you beaten with a pillowcase full of batteries. I'll give you two a moment.
Michael: Thank you.
Warden Stefan Gentles: I don't know why I always assume everyone's read my screenplay.

Michael: Hey, Buster, listen. I got some bad news about Mom. She's planning on spending the night with another man.
Buster: Gob?
Michael: No, not another brother.
Buster: Oh, then why do we care?
Michael: What is wrong with everyone?

George Sr.: Dad finds out about what?
Michael: Well, I guess I've got no choice now. Dad, I've got some bad news about Mom and Warden Gentles dating. Better sit down.
George Sr.: Okay, what's the news?
Michael: They're dating.
George Sr.: Oh, yeah, because she's my wife. Oh, yeah, damn it.
Michael: Surprised you're not more upset about this.
George Sr.: When you first told me. But you see, time passes. Besides, it's only dinner in the office. I mean, it's not Le Cirque.

Michael: You're up to something, right? You both are. She's working the warden. You're making fake heads. You're planning an escape.
George Sr.: How dare you. I ought to shave your head and make you sit under that camera all night, mister.

Michael: I'm not going. The whole thing is a scam. Mom was just using that warden to try to get Dad out. She's not trying to seduce him at all.
Lindsay: Oh, no, she is. She's spending the night with him. She just called to ask me to bring her a tube of vag- istable paste. Hi, George Michael.