Michael: The wedding is in one month.
Lucille: A month?!
George Sr.: All right, now look, just because a woman gets pregnant doesn't mean you have to marry her. Too many lives have been ruined because some cheap waitress at a HoJo said she used an IUD.
Lucille: It was Stuckey's.
George Sr.: But I believed you.

Michael: I can't believe you're not supporting this.
George Sr.: Because it is obvious what she's after.
Lucille: Our money.
Buster: Oh, God, our money!
Michael: Let's just all relax, and remind ourselves that we don't have any money.
Buster: [gasps] She's already gotten our money!

Michael: She's not pregnant. Truthfully, we haven't even slept together.
Lucille: [laughs] This is funny!
Buster: He's gay!
Lucille: Where's your hand?
Buster: Oh. I'm having my high school ring put on it, and my hook is stuck in the staircar.

Michael: What are you doing in a wheelchair?
Tobias: No, no, no, it's a dolly to help videotape your nuptials.
Michael: I don't think I need any footage of my nuptials. Tobias, are you sure that this dolly isn't related to your recent health problems?
Tobias: Okay, so my legs and my left arm occasionally "go to sleep," and you want to call it a health problem.

Michael: It does seem like you've been having a whole lot of trouble since the hair transplants. Maybe you should see a bubaman.
Tobias: A "bubaman"?
Michael: Oh, uh, a doctor. It's a British expression. Like they say "go-up box" instead of "elevator."
Tobias: Oh, like when they say "poofter" to mean "tourist," yes.

Narrator: Maeby was struggling with a screen play in her secret life as a film executive.
Rita: Is that a story?
Maeby: Not yet. It doesn't have an ending. He's in L.A., she's in Japan. How do I get these two characters together?
Rita: Maybe they could walk.
Maeby: Across the ocean?
Rita: If it's not too deep.
Maeby: No, deep is good.People are going to say, "What the hell just happened? I better say I like it." 'Cause nobody wants to seem stupid.
Rita: I like it.
Maeby: "The Ocean Walker". Holy crap, that's going to look good on a hat.

Narrator: And Michael caught up with his brother.
Michael: Pal, I need a favor. As you know, I'm getting married in about a month...
Gob: Say no more.
Michael: Great. Are you sure that you know what...
Gob: Yup, yup, yup. Got it.
Michael: Super. And- And, just so that we're both clear...
Gob: You want me to do a magic show at the wedding. I'm on it.
Michael: So glad we pushed through that. No magic.
Gob: Why, because the one little screw up last time? Which reminds me that Rita shouldn't wear any hair spray at this thing.

Michael: I just want you to be my witness.
Gob: Oh, you want me to be your Best Man?
Michael: It's just a signature I need. On the license. My son's not old enough. It's no big deal.
Gob: I will not take this sacred duty lightly. I am going to get you the single healthiest call girl that this town has ever seen.
Michael: This is why I'm calling it a "Witness," and not a "Best Man." All you have to do is watch.
Gob: Oh, I'm not going to spend this kind of money and not watch.
Michael: This may have been a bad choice.

Michael: Sorry, did I hear the word "trick"? And it smells a lot like lighter fluid in here. You know, I did say no tricks, Gob, and I mean it.
Gob: What if I find a trick that has her float to the alter or something?
Michael: No, no. Love for her to walk. And not to drown. Or fly through the air. Or catch on fire.
Gob: Is she allergic to cat fur?
Michael: Oop-- no tigers.
Gob: Right.

Michael: [on the phone] Hey, Dad? Just wanted to let you know that I'm at a hotel with my wife-to-be, and we're very, very much in love.
George Sr.: Put her on.
Narrator: Michael briefly considered faking the voice.
Michael: I... She's in the shower.
George Sr.: I'll wait.
Michael: Let's wait. ... Don't you want me to just call you back or...
George Sr.: No, I have nowhere to go, I'm under house arrest. Let's watch something together.
[two E! True Hollywood Stories later:]
George Sr.: Wow, that Blossom grew up, huh?