Tobias: Excuse me. I was just looking for a marker. A Magic Marker.

Lucille: I want it out of my living room. Put it in Buster's room.
Buster: That's where she keeps things she has no need for. [sniffs his artificial hand] Oh, God. I'm going to run this trough again on "pots and pans".

Gob: Cock-a-caw! Cock-a-caw! Cock-a-caw! [sees Michael has left] Oh, come on!

Narrator: Michael was investigating his father's case in the English section of Orange County.
Man: [British accent] Lanes reverse, mate! You're driving on the wrong side, you blooming idiot!

Michael: I need to check the records for any British-owned building businesses that would've applied for a license about ten years ago.
Ian: Oh, I'm so sorry. You'll need a U.K. passport to check those files. They're for British eyes only.
Michael: Don't I look kind of British?
Ian: Perhaps if you're willing to lose 20 pounds.
Narrator: The clerk was asking for a bribe, but this was lost on Michael.
Michael: Well, you guys do go for the jugular.
Ian: If you find someone with a passport, we're here 'til 8:00. And do stay for the Poppins.

Narrator: So Michael went to the local pub-
Man: [British accent] Bloody Yank!
Narrator: ...to see if he could find someone with a British passport.
Lionel: Welcome to the Yellowfang. I am Lionel, and the soup of the day is... What's the soup of the day, Mum?!
Woman: Bread.
Lionel: And the soup of the day is bread. Unless you're just here for the Poppins.

Narrator: Michael, meanwhile, called his sister.
Michael: [on the phone] I wanted to call and tell you that I got myself a date with a beautiful woman named Rita, and you're the chicken, not me. Cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck [car horn honks] [Michael screams]
Lindsay: Okay, that's a pretty good chicken.

Michael: What's the problem?
Trevor: I know what you were doing back there. If you've got half a [bleep] brain, you'll leave it alone.
Michael: You talking about back in Wee Britain? I was just asking a few questions.
Trevor: Yeah, a few too many, if you ask me. How would you like someone going after some stupid person in your family? Now, back off, you [bleep] ponce!
Michael: Wow! Dad was not kidding about their breath.

Narrator: And Michael went to cancel with Rita.
Michael: Sorry. I just wanted to let you know that I'm not going to be needing your passport, after all.
We're just going to go to court, plead guilty... that'll be that.
Rita: So it's bye-bye to Rita, then?
Michael: Actually, I was wondering if- if you might want to...
Rita: I wouldn't. I'll make you blue.
Narrator: Rita was just talking about the fingerpaint, but Michael didn't know that.
Rita: I was just wondering if you might want to bid me fair 'morrow. That's all. See ya.
Narrator: Michael was filled with self-loathing. Had he been Jack the Ripper he would have soothed himself in a most unsavory way. But instead, he just sat in his car and ate a whole thing of candy beans.

Michael: All right, so I lied, it wasn't a date.
Lindsay: But you could have made one with her. I think that Poppins knocked the courage out of you.
Michael: I guess I'm just not in her league. How did you hear about the Poppins?
Lindsay: It was on the news.
[a newscast shows security camera footage of Michael being knocked down, courtesy of the "WeeBBC":]
John Beard: An unlicensed Mary Poppins takes down another tourist. Is this the work of the Itsy-Bitsy IRA?