Buster: Mother, have you seen my rubber hand?
Lucille: Oh, it's in the dishwasher. Your father and I were using it for something.
Buster: Oh, for God's sake. Can't you keep my hand to yourself?!

Michael: I knew you wouldn't have the gut to go through with the divorce.
Lindsay: You're one to talk. You haven't had a serious relationship since your wife. And you guys, weren't even speaking toward the end.
Michael: Lot of that was the coma.
Lindsay: Yeah, I've heard your side of it.

George Sr.: You got to get me out of here.
Michael: You're the one that said no to prison.
George Sr.: I was wrong. There, you just have it to shut your eyes and take it. Here, you have shut your eyes and give it. Now, listen, we can't go in there and plead "not guilty". We have to have someone big behind us, our own private Matlock. So I made calls and I got him.
Michael: Got who?
George Sr.: Andy Griffith. What, you never saw Matlock?
Michael: Not a real attorney, Dad.
George Sr.: Now, for ten grand, he'll actually sit behind us in court and read the paper. For 15, he'll actually sit at the defense table. For $20,000, he'll twice lean forward and whisper something in your ear. Oh. White suit, that's extra.
Michael: Boy, that's an awful lot of money for the stupidest idea I've ever heard.
George Sr.: The juries love him.

Michael: And you want to go after these people?
George Sr.: Well, yes, it takes a little courage, Michael. I know that's not your strongest suit. You're even scared to ask a girl out on a date.
Michael: What? Why does everybody think that I'm scared of girls?
George Sr.: Because you're a chicken. You're a chicken! Coo-coo ca-cha! Coo-coo ca-cha!
Michael: What are you doing?
Lucille: Michael and women?! A-koodle-doodle doo!
Lindsay: That's what I was just telling him. Cha! Cha!
Michael: Look, I haven't found the right girl. When I do, I will ask her out. Has anyone in this family ever even seen a chicken?

Michael: I will give it one day, all right? I'll see if there's any evidence of these nefarious Brits, but I'm warning you, if I can't, we're pleading guilty. And you're either going back to jail or, if the judge shows absolutely no mercy at all, you'll be staying here with my mother.

Michael: That's just it, Dad. There won't be a jury because we are pleading guilty. I am not guil-
George Sr.: All right, I didn't want to tell you this. Are you ready for the bombshell?
Michael: Andy Griffith wasn't the bombshell?
George Sr.: I'm a patsy. I was set up. By the Brits. A group of British builders operating outside the O.C.
Michael: Don't call it that.
George Sr.: ...contacted me for a partnership to build homes overseas. I did not know they meant Iraq.
Michael: We've got a picture of you with Saddam Hussein.
George Sr.: I thought that was the guy who played the Soup Nazi.
Michael: Come on.
George Sr.: I told him how much I liked his work.

Narrator: And that's when Michael saw the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. Not her. Wait for it.
Michael: Are you from Wee Britain?
Rita: Great Britain, actually.
Michael: I was wondering if you might be willing to go somewhere with me. I would pay you.
Rita: You'll pay me?
Michael: Not- Not for sex. You're going to think that I'm Jack the Ripper, right? Didn't he kill prostitutes or?
Rita: I'm not a prostitute.
Michael: Then I shall let you live. [chuckles] This is my worst hello. Let me try again. My name is Michael.
Rita: Rita.
Michael: I need access to these files that are apparently for British eyes only.
Rita: Well, lucky for you, my whole face is British.

Gob: Hey, he's the one who can't see me.
Michael: 'Cause you were hiding in the trick?
Tobias: Illusion, Michael. I so very much would like to be in your "prostate-ticular". As your look-alike.
Gob: Right. They're going to see the ink. It's more of a leading man role. But it's not really done that way.
Tobias: I guess I shouldn't have used a permanent marker.

Michael: There's no satellite radio, but there's a banjo in the closet. And watch out for live-ins. You will get some live-ins.

Narrator: And Michael confronted his father.
George Sr.: Find out anything?
Michael: Yeah, I did, Dad. I found out that no matter how many times I promise myself that I'm not going to fall for it, I always end up getting hustled by you.
George Sr.: What are you talking about?
Michael: The guy that you hired to threaten me after I looked into the British connection.
George Sr.: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Somebody threatened you?
Michael: That's a wonderful performance, Dad. You're a regular Brad Garrett. But I don't watch TV at 3:00 in the afternoon. And you can forget about pleading not guilty.