Ira Gilligan: Anyway, this isn't the first discrepancy with your father's books. And with this court case coming up, I just have to warn you if they ask me to testify, I am not gonna lie.
Michael: No one's asking you to lie.
Gob: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're asking Gilligan not to lie?
Ira Gilligan: Please call me Ira. I don't like Gilligan.
Gob: Who doesn't like Gilligan? Is it cold in here?

Maeby: Look. I'm just doing this because if my parents split up, it's a lot more work for me. I know. They split up once in Boston. When they get along, I get tons more alone time. When they don't, guess who they start spending all their time with... me.

Tobias: Sadly, Teamocil has been discontinued.
Bride of Gob: Oh.
Tobias: The sense of wellness it created in relationships was merely the first sign of complete pituitary shutdown.

Narrator: And Michael, as per Gob's request tried to convince his wife that Gob was unreliable.
Michael: So, Gob is late. But I guess that's who you married. He's probably out trying to do something very important.
Bride of Gob: Are you hitting on me? [scoffs] Gob said that would happen.

Michael: Hey, Gob. It's a good thing you're not staying married to this girl. You've got her hating me at least your version of me, which is actually you.

Michael: You're making Dad your best man. That's great. I guess being your brother and solving all your problems for you doesn't qualify me as your best man.
Gob: Hey. If he wants to support me, I'm not gonna tell him to go to hell. Don't worry. You're still...
Michael: What? Invited?
Gob: No, I was gonna say you're still the guy I want solving my problems, but... Yeah, let me talk to Dad about that invite situation.

Gob: Well, I can tell you that Michael was pretty upset that you wanted to be best man.
George Sr.: Don't worry about Michael.
Gob: Yeah, my bachelor party's about having fun, right?
George Sr.: No, no. Your bachelor party's about convincing Gilligan that he's killed a stripper getting him out of town so he can't testify and making sure that people think that he took the money.
Gob: It is?
George Sr.: Yeah. This accountant can do us a lot of damage. I want him neutralized. Do you hear me? That's why I want you to use this stripper - a narcoleptic, believe it or not. A friend of mine at the yacht club, he used her for his bachelor party.

George Sr.: You put her in a darkened space, she's out. You get him drunk. He passes out. Then you cover the floor with corn syrup, mixed with a little red dye. He comes to. "Eee! Blood! Aaah!" He freaks out.
Gob: Okay. But how do you know that he's gonna leave the country?
George Sr.: That's why I got you those honeymoon tickets. You never thanked me for those.
Gob: I'm sorry. I meant to. I was gonna...
George Sr.: You just have to convince him that this happened.
Gob: That he killed a stripper?
George Sr.: Can you do this? Can I trust you? You're not gonna go all Michael on me, are ya?
Gob: Nobody's turning all Michael on you. But when you get out, then we're gonna have a real party. Right, Dad?
George Sr.: Are you kidding? When I get out of here you're gonna throw me the biggest party this town's ever seen. All right?

Tobias: What is that noise? We don't need the wood block.
George Michael: No, I just thought I would join in on the fun. I mean, you guys are always talking about, you know, family and loving and having good times in the circle...

Lindsay: You know what? This isn't working. Maybe I'm just gonna go off and rehearse with Maeby alone.
Tobias: Oh, fine. Then I'll rehearse with Maeby after dinner.
Maeby: No! This is wholesome, family fun, okay? Let's take it from loose stool! One, two and a...