Lindsay: [to Michael] She usually sends checks for Maeby's birthday.
Maeby: There's been cash coming in? Have you been holding out on me?
Lindsay: No. No, I've been investing it. Let's face it. I'm better with money than you are.
Maeby: Better at spending it.
Lindsay: Okay, I tell you what. I'll take you down to see Nana if you split the money with me 60/40.
Maeby: 55/55.
Lindsay: Deal.
Michael: Sounds like you guys are getting more than you think.
Lindsay: We should go now before your dad gets back. No need going halfsies with him too.

Warden Stefan Gentles: But didn't you come here to research the nature of fear? I can't think of a better teacher than White Power Bill. He's like a master's course unto himself.
Tobias: So you think I'm a coward.
Warden Stefan Gentles: There's only one man I've ever called "coward". That's Brian Doyle-Murray. No. What I'm calling you is a television actor.
Tobias: Ouch.

Lindsay: Where's Nana?
Lucille: I sent her on a wonderful cruise. You just missed a wonderful call from her. She just came back from a wonderful costume party that the captain threw. She gained 10 pounds there's so much food on that boat. She's up to 74! It's wonderful, just wonderful.
Narrator: In fact, Lucille's mother had been dead for six months.
Lucille: She tried pesto for the first time. Can you believe that? Ninety-two years old, and she never tried pesto.
Narrator: Lucille feared that the family would come after the inheritance if they found out.
Lindsay: Was she on the phone, Annyong?
Annyong: Annyong.
Lucille: Emery board. Isn't he great? And he goes with everything.

Maeby: So, how do you think Gob's gonna make this yacht disappear?
George Michael: Well, I'll be working here, so I guess I'll never know.
Maeby: I guess the only real way to find out how it's done is to sneak on the boat while he does it.
George Michael: Yeah, but if he makes it disappear, won't everyone see me standing there?
Maeby: Let's just sit quietly and consider how ridiculous that statement was.

Narrator: George Sr. was forced to visit someone he had once tried to shove out of a moving car.
Tobias: Welcome.
George Sr.: You're Dorothy?
Tobias: I thought the two of us could talk, man-on-man. [George Sr. tries to walk out of the cell] I'm afraid I'm serious. I bought you. Remember to let it steep for five minutes.
George Sr.: Oh, dear God.
Tobias: I've been in this family for 16 years and I don't think we've ever had a conversation.
George Sr.: I'm not gonna discuss this.
Tobias: You hate me.
George Sr.: Yeah, I do hate you. You took my daughter. My precious little girl and moved her away. And now I'm here, and I am afraid I will never get her back.
Tobias: Afraid. You're afraid. Fear has turned into hate. So Frightened Inmate #2 isn't frightened at all. He's angry. He's a crabby old coot and he needs love just like everyone. [hugs George Sr.]
George Sr.: Get your [bleep] hands off of me.
Tobias: Shh. Don't be scared. [sings] Somewhere over the rainbow There's another rainbow

Narrator: Seeing a window of opportunity, Lucille made a startling announcement.
Lucille: Nana was on that yacht!
Michael: What?
Lucille: You killed Nana!
Lindsay: She's lying! Nana wasn't on that yacht. She's fine. She's been dead for six months.

Michael: She's been out for two weeks with this chest thing but she's had no problems cashing the checks I've been sending her.
Lindsay: Speaking of which, have we gotten anything from Nana?
Michael: Buster got a perforated heart and Gob got that receding hairline but you and I pretty much dodged the bullet.

Narrator: George Michael was off from school for two weeks and was enjoying spending time with his uncle.
Gob: I'm intercepting some telepathic energy that's telling me... it's the eight of diamonds.
George Michael: That's amazingly close.
Gob: Gee, I got it wrong. Well, I guess you won the shirt off my back.
[Gob removes his shirt to show Q printed on one nipple and a diamond shape around the other.]
George Michael: Okay, that's amazing.
Gob: It's the queen of diamonds.
George Michael: No, no, no. I had- But if that had been the actual card, I'm pretty sure I'd be... almost too blown away.
Gob: You know, it's a new trick, so I'm still kind of tweaking my nipples-
George Michael: The presentation was great.

George Michael: Wow. He's amazing.
Michael: Well, he hasn't done it, and you're holding a four of spades in your hand.
George Michael: I don't care. I'm loving the ride, you know? How are you gonna do it?
Gob: Well, you've got two weeks off. You're about to find out. Maybe we'll meet a couple young coeds along the way. How young is too young for you?
Michael: That's not gonna happen, okay? There's not gonna be any coeds. There certainly isn't gonna be any magic. It is a path to a lonely life where people mock you and you don't even realize it.
Gob: Michael, I'm a magi- Oh, I see what you did.

Lindsay: Now, remember, she's a very old woman. We're going to get in, get the cash and get out.
Old Woman: Is this who I think it is?
Lindsay & Maeby: Nana! [both hug her]
Narrator: Unfortunately, the woman who now lived there was not their Nana. A fact that took Lindsay and Maeby an hour and a half to ascertain.
Lindsay: Go! Go! It's not her! Drop the photo album! We're not in the photo album!
Maeby: Drop the pie!