Best ‘Abbott Elementary’ Quotes Page 1 of 25    

Quote from Barbara in Zoo Balloon

Barbara: [to camera] I have been through this many times before. [Gregory and Janine shouting "Kenny!"] The worst was 2005. A child by the name of August got lost in The Hershey Factory, looking for a chocolate river. Mnh!


Quote from Gregory in Step Class

Jacob: Gregory, you never told us your favorite pizza place.
Gregory: Oh, I should sit this one out. I'm more of a Baltimore-style pizza guy.
Barbara: Ooh, Baltimore pizza. I've never heard about that. What makes it so different?
Gregory: You never heard of Baltimore style? Oh, it's... It's great. It's, um, really crunchy... and, like, wet.
Melissa: Wet?
Gregory: Yeah, yeah. No, it's... it's... It's, um... it's great. Next time you're there, go to, um... Say Cheese. Say Cheese Pizza. It's... They soak it. It's, like, sopping. It's... mmm. I gotta go talk to a child about a little thing.

Quote from Barbara in Candy Zombies

Janine: But, uh, Barbara, what are you doing tonight?
Barbara: I'm going to a screening of Rocky Horror at my church. [off Janine's look] They take out all the cursing, all the references to sex and sexuality. It comes in at just under 26 minutes, and it is a hoot!
[aside to camera:]
Barbara: It's a yearly tradition. We've watched Nightmare Before Christmas, but only the Christmas parts, Practical Magic without the witchcraft, and Hocus Pocus without Sarah Jessica Parker.

Quote from Barbara in Wrong Delivery

Mr. Johnson: Don't take it so hard. Everybody gets dumped. If it can happen to Michael B. Jordan, it can happen to you.
Barbara: Now, that white boy sure can act. Ooh! I love those Back to the Future movies.
Together: Michael J. Fox.
Barbara: Hmm?

Quote from Barbara in Student Transfer

Jacob: Barbara, have you ever been roasted by your students?
Barbara: One, they're five. Two, they respect me. Three, what would they even say?

Quote from Barbara in Franklin Institute

Melissa: What's the matter? You don't want to sleep in here with us?
Barbara: I do, but I need space to calm my kids down. My class and half the school is traumatized after hearing Ava Night Shyamalan.
Melissa: [to camera] That's the name she remembers?

Quote from Melissa in Mom

Melissa: Long weekends just delay the inevitable. It's still a Monday, even if it's masquerading as a Tuesday.

Quote from Ava in Teacher Appreciation

Ava: [over intercom] I need all teachers in the library in two minutes. We're gonna decide who's going to get those tickets. And can somebody bring me a Sprite? From McDonald's.

Quote from Ava in Mural Arts

Ava: Everyone settle down. I have a very important announcement to make in a short amount of time. My Postmates is around the corner. It's about damn time, José L.

Quote from Barbara in Mural Arts

Barbara: I hope this isn't another assembly about a new e-mail system. I am not doing two-step verification. They can just hack me.
Melissa: They did hack you. Remember when your account sent out all that pornography?
Barbara: I do not.
Melissa: Okay.

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