Best ‘Abbott Elementary’ Quotes Page 1 of 25    

Quote from Barbara in Zoo Balloon

Barbara: [to camera] I have been through this many times before. [Gregory and Janine shouting "Kenny!"] The worst was 2005. A child by the name of August got lost in The Hershey Factory, looking for a chocolate river. Mnh!


Quote from Gregory in Step Class

Jacob: Gregory, you never told us your favorite pizza place.
Gregory: Oh, I should sit this one out. I'm more of a Baltimore-style pizza guy.
Barbara: Ooh, Baltimore pizza. I've never heard about that. What makes it so different?
Gregory: You never heard of Baltimore style? Oh, it's... It's great. It's, um, really crunchy... and, like, wet.
Melissa: Wet?
Gregory: Yeah, yeah. No, it's... it's... It's, um... it's great. Next time you're there, go to, um... Say Cheese. Say Cheese Pizza. It's... They soak it. It's, like, sopping. It's... mmm. I gotta go talk to a child about a little thing.

Quote from Mr. Johnson in Zoo Balloon

Mr. Johnson: [aside to camera] I love field trips. I get to do Mr. Johnson's Day Off. That's when I watch Ferris Bueller's Day Off, which is a movie about a depressed kid who murder his father's Ferrari.
[Ava takes a group of kids to Mr. Johnson's custodial closet:]
Ava: Mr. Johnson, sorry to interrupt whatever this is, but these kids need to stay with you.
Mr. Johnson: Well, looks like Ava switched this day from Ferris Bueller's Day Off to The Breakfast Club. Life moves pretty fast, and if you don't stop every once in a while to take a look, you might...
Ava: Missed one. [chuckles]
Mr. Johnson: Come on in.

Quote from Melissa in Ava vs. Superintendent

Melissa: So, our girl really did a good job, huh?
Superintendent Collins: Surprisingly, yes.
Janine: Ooh! So we get the funding we need?
Superintendent Collins: No, of course not. As long as Ava's at Abbott and I'm the superintendent, you never will. She blackmailed me. It's kind of hard to get over being blackmailed.
Melissa: You know, he's not wrong. I haven't spoken to my blackmailer in two years. Do I miss my sister? Yeah, every day.

Quote from Barbara in Ava vs. Superintendent

Barbara: Well, my suggestion to all of you is to enjoy your free periods while you can. Because music class will be going bye-bye-bye like Blackstreet Boyz II Men.
Janine: Mm, mnh, no. Wrong in like three ways.

Quote from Ava in Desking

Ava: Get all your desks to the gym until this whole thing blows over or there's some new trend that I don't hear about because life is a joke, people. Come on. Hurry up. Who knows when those kids'll start arriving.
Jacob: They get here at 7:30.
Ava: Every day? That's wild.

Quote from Ava in Desking

Ava: Aw, man. Why am I not getting these videos? I've done everything I possibly can to make my phone think I'm 22. I haven't used capital letters in years.

Quote from Ava in Step Class

Ava: I'm telling y'all, it was like Bring It On but with Black people on both sides, so you know they ain't gonna never make that movie. [laughter]
Janine: Oh, hey, girl!
Ava: Hey! I was just telling them about when I was on 106 & Park. Me and Terrence J made our own top-10 list that night, if you know what I mean.
Janine: No, I hope they do not know what you mean.
Ava: You think they never seen 106 & Park?

Quote from Gregory in Step Class

Gregory: Oh, I mean, it's all gonna be trash to me. I'm a Baltimore pizza guy, like I said.
Jacob: Mm. You know what? I thought that might happen. And so, as your best friend here at Abbott, I took it upon myself to drive two hours to Baltimore to get you your favorite pizza from Say Cheese.
Gregory: That's crazy.
Jacob: I even asked the pizzaiolo to make it extra crunchy and wet. Bon appétit.
Gregory: Hmm. [picks up greasy, wet slice of pizza] A-All right, man, you... I can't do this. I-I just don't like pizza!
Mr. Johnson: What?! [mop clatters] Say that again. I don't think I heard you, son.
Barbara: Sweetheart, what do you mean you don't like pizza?
Gregory: I just don't understand the concept of having a bunch of ingredients just slosh around in your mouth! It's not just pizza. I've got like four or five things that I actually like, and I just stick to those.

Quote from Janine in Step Class

Janine: [aside to camera] This is exciting! Like in those videos with the unlikely animal friends. You're like, "There's no way a parakeet and crocodile can make it work and...". Actually, in the one I just watched, they didn't. Uh, it was mislabeled. Very tragic.

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