Courtney: I went from having one teacher to two. Ain't that some [bleep]?
Janine & Melissa: Courtney!
Melissa: You know, I'm glad she's in your class now so you two can throw your little tantrums together.
Janine: I'm sorry, was it not a tantrum when you sent Courtney to my class without warning me about her behavioral issues? Yes, I saw your notes in your file.
Melissa: I did try to warn you, ya gabbadost, but you got too big for your britches and you didn't want to listen.
Janine: Well, maybe if you hadn't been making fun of me yesterday, I wouldn't have gotten defensive.
Melissa: Janine, I was goofing. Unlike when you called me a bad teacher, something I would never call you. You know, I-I know that review hit you hard, but I didn't deserve that.
Janine: [sighs] Okay. I'm sorry. You're right. You're right. That review really, really hurt my feelings, and I took it out on you.
Melissa: It wasn't even that bad. It just said you were less experienced. Listen, if you go look at the Facebook reviews of my cousin Rocco's hoagie shop, you would think the man sold food poisoning. [Janine chuckles] But he's gonna keep making hoagies. You know why? Most people love them. You got to keep making hoagies.

Melissa: [aside to camera] Look, I've learned to spot a red flag when it's flying. A guy suggests a dump for a first date, eventually, you're gonna have to dump him. My ex suggested a strip club.

Gregory: Um, Farmer Hank has seven turkeys, then he buys six more. How many turkeys does Farmer Hank now have?
Barbara: Hmm.
Melissa: [raises hand] Is one of the turkeys pregnant?
Gregory: One of my kids asked the same thing.
Barbara: Because it's a good question, and it shows that they're using critical thinking.
Gregory: It's irrelevant.
Melissa: No, it might be silly to you, but to them, it might be an important question that, if they don't get it answered, they can't focus.
Barbara: And diversions are an important part of learning. Otherwise, they're just memorizing.
Gregory: Memorization is how I learned all the states' capitals. Juneau, Salem, Madison. I can keep going.
Melissa: In my class, we do silly voice time to, you know, break up the day. [high-pitched voice] And it makes learning more fun, too.

Barbara: Well, I think it's a fine pizza, but it is nothing compared to the burrata pizza at Pauly's. Mwah!
Jacob: Best pizza in Philly is from Federico's. They put this mushroom extract in the sauce that just kind of relaxes you to high heaven.
Melissa: Yeah, you're both wrong.
[aside to camera:]
Melissa: What makes Philly-style pizza? Uh, five things. You got your crust, sauce, cheese, maybe some toppings, and the last thing... It's made in Philadelphia.

Melissa: Hey, weird eater. Come over here. All right, listen. Is it bananas you don't like food? Yes. Would it send my Nana Vincenze into a fit of depression? Absolutely.
Jacob: It's really bizarre.
Barbara: I've never seen anything like it.
Gregory: Is there a second part to this?
Melissa: Yeah. Everyone's got something a little weird about them.
Barbara: She likes to sit facing the door.
Melissa: Yeah, 'cause you don't ever know what's gonna go down. And Jacob is, you know... Jacob.
Jacob: And we all know Barbara's...
Barbara: Doesn't have a weird thing about her.
Melissa: Right. So the moral of the story is, we're all weirdos here.

Melissa: So, wait. What was the drama with Ava this time?
Janine: Oh, you know, she just had to take care of some stuff real quick. She made it here for the kids. She showed up just like I said she would.
Melissa: Mm-hmm. I still say this ends up with you at the bottom of a pyramid scheme, but, hey, that was fun.

Gregory: What's your resting heart rate?
Janine: Around 75.
Gregory: Mm.
Melissa: What are you, a hummingbird?

Melissa: Look, Stefon, I get it. I was a kid once. But you and I both know this is gonna end, and when it does, you don't wanna be the one left holding the bag. 'Cause that's exactly what's gonna happen when your friend over there starts talking.
Ava: I bet she ratting you out right now like a little Fredo Corleone.
Melissa: So I would talk if I were you. 'Cause you don't want me sending you over to Ms. Teagues and Mr. Hill. I don't think you'd like what's going on in that room.

Melissa: I found a connection at the school board.
Barbara: Ooh, you got a guy there?
Melissa: No, you do. Delisha Sloss. She goes to your church. My guy says she's on the finance committee or something.
Barbara: I know her. One of our shadier members.
Melissa: Mm-hmm.
Barbara: But God's light finds even the shadows.
Melissa: Yeah, she's up to something. Being able to spot opps runs in the family. That's how we Schemmentis got so successful in... business.

Jacob: And that is one of the many ways that My Octopus Teacher made me, well, believe in love again. [Barbara and Melissa are silent] Is everything okay? The only time I saw you two sit apart is when Melissa said you should put sugar on grits.
Barbara: There's nothing to talk about.
Melissa: Yeah, 'cause it's very straightforward. We're under attack, and she's got her head buried in the sand.
Barbara: Better the sand than the mud.
Melissa: Okay. You refusing to cooperate doesn't stop bad things from happening. We should be using people doing bad stuff to do good stuff for our kids.
Jacob: Mm. "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
Melissa: You know, usually when you quote stuff, it's annoying and I want you to shut up, but in this case, very relevant.
Jacob: Oh, thank you. I have another.
Melissa: No, you don't.
Jacob: No, I don't.