Dick: I have spent my entire life as a human on the outside looking in. Always trying, approximating, attempting, but never being a human being.
Sally: That's 'cause you're not.
Dick: Lieutenant, I refuse to be defined by who I am. My past has always gotten me into trouble. As of now, I have no past. I am no longer an alien.
Sally: What?
Dick: From now on, I am a human being. I am John Q. Pubic.

Tommy: Okay, mission statement.
Harry: Mission statement.
Tommy: What is our mission?
Harry: Well, you know, I always remember it by our mission song.
Tommy: Oh, right, right.
Harry: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [sings] Across the void we come a-warping... dum diddle dee lee ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh...
Tommy: [sings] Glorious and something something... dum diddle dee lee yadda yadda... spaceship!

Dick: My students are right. I colonized every continent. I enslaved an entire people, and even after I abolished slavery, I- I continued to marginalize minorities with economic disincentives.
Mary: Don't let this eat you up.
Dick: Angel food cake is white. Devil's food cake... black!
Mary: I know how you feel.
Dick: Who gets to make the first move in chess? The white guys.

Dick: How can you possibly say Harrison Ford is sexier than I am? I mean, just because he's got those incredible cheekbones and that perfectly chiseled jaw and those penetrating brown eyes that you... you could almost lose yourself in if you stare at them long enough... Whoa!
Mary: But I love you. See you, Dick.
Dick: [holds hand mirror in one hand and magazine in the other] Oh, my God! I'm hideous!

Dick: Look at this. I could write a better book overnight.
Nina: You think you're the smartest man on the planet, don't you?
Dick: For the thousandth time, yes!

Harry: Well, let's have a toast, shall we? To [voice quavers] new... Incoming message from the Big Giant Head. Your request has been approved. Your Lieutenant and High Commander will be restored to their previous Earth bodies immediately, and a small fee will appear on your next statement. Transmission ending in 3, 2, 1... [Harry, Dick and Sally sneeze]
Sally: Dick?
Dick: Sally?
Both: We're back!
Dick: Isn't that great, Tommy?
Sally: Oh, isn't that cool, Tommy?
Tommy: [squints] Tommy? I'm not Tommy.
Dick: Oh, my god!
Tommy: Ah, I'm just screwin' with you.

Dick: Oh, no where are my boobs?
Sally: I've got them!
Both: You're me!
Tommy: Dick?
Sally: What?
Harry & Tommy: Aah!
Dick: Oh, great.
Harry: What happened?
Tommy: The Big Giant Head just switched their bodies.
Dick: Wow.
Sally: Oh, my god! I'm gorgeous!

Tommy: How's Dick?
Sally: Oh, not so good. I thought he could use some fresh air, so I sent him down to the old town road to pick up strawberries. [Dick returns] Wow. You're back quick.
Dick: [as Henry Fonda] You want to know why I came back so fast? I got to the end of our driveway, and I couldn't remember which way to go. I went into our backyard, and nothing looked familiar to me. Not one damn tree. Scared me half to death.
Sally: Snap out of it, ya old poop!

Mary: What are these?
Dr. Liam Neesam: Escargot foie gras champignon à la grecque en croute. Do try one.
Mary: Oh, this is the best thing I have ever put in my mouth!
Dick: Once again, I come in second.

August: Okay. Um my family came to America in 1852 on a Dutch schooner. How about yours?
Tommy: Well, um, my great-grandfather, uh... escaped from the Nazis through the Alps with his family and their singing nanny.
August: Um, Tommy?
Tommy: Yeah?
August: That's The Sound of Music.
Tommy: Yeah, I know. And don't think that we're not suing!