Harry: So, uh, what is this thing you're going to, anyway?
Dick: It's a charity auction.
Tommy: And what's charity, again?
Dick: Well, all I know is they're giving out free drinks and paddles with numbers on them.
Harry: Well, I guess that's what charity's all about, getting liquored up and spanking your neighbor.

Dick: "Dear friend of the environment." Great. All of a sudden, every charity in the world is asking me for money.
Mary: Well, once you get on one charity's mailing list, you're on them all.
Dick: Yeah, but, how are you supposed to judge who gets priority? Do I adopt a fruit bat, save the rain forest, or build shelters for America's homeless?
Mary: You just help the ones you can, Dick.
Dick: Yeah, but why me? Why can't they just help each other?
Mary: And how would they do that?
Dick: Simple. The rainforest guys cut down the jungle to build affordable housing, America's homeless moves in, and once they get settled, they'll be happy to open their homes to fruit bats. It's not rocket science.
Mary: That's not how it works.
Dick: Oh, I know how it works. I fork over $1,700, and all I get is a painting of two monks and a shovel. The guy couldn't even paint hands. They look like potatoes. I want my money back!

Dick: Let me get right to it. Last night, I couldn't sleep knowing that I had taken from you a painting that is near and dear to your heart. That's why I'm willing to let you have it-
Strudwick: I don't want it.
Dick: You didn't let me finish. That's why I'm willing to let you have it for, say, $900.
Strudwick: Forget it. I never wanted that piece of crap, anyway.
Dick: Oh, really? Then why did you bid on it like a young lion in springtime?
Strudwick: To drive up the price and piss you off.
Dick: Well, it didn't work!