Dick: Oh! The most amazing thing happened to me.
Nina: I told you, the supermarket door opens for everybody.
Dick: No. No, no, no. I was out with the boys, and I actually noticed other women. The skinny ones had beautiful cheekbones, and the more ample ones... Well, let's just say, baby got back!
Mary: That's fascinating. Oh, did you see any with big gazongas?
Dick: Some. The point is, up until now, the sight of a woman other than you held the same appeal to me as, say, a plate of eggs. Nutritious, yes, but ultimately way too gassy. Now all that's changed.
Mary: It has?
Dick: Mm-hmm. I finally feel ready to go on my first new date. Women of Rutherford, look out!
Mary: Exactly what I was thinking.

Sally: Okay, Dick, I recommend you start with the self-help section. Now, the women there are nutty, but vulnerable.
Dick: Enough said. Sally, let's savor these last moments before I meet my new girlfriend, because when I do, I'm not going to show any interest in you or the rest of the family ever again.
Sally: [flatly] That saddens me.

Tommy: Well, uh, you could put an ad in the personals. You just describe yourself and the kind of woman you want to meet.
Dick: Okay. Here, uh, take this down. Uh, desperate, lonely white guy seeks acclaimed beauty queen. Runners-up need not apply.
Harry: You take the runners-up, just no "miss congeniality."
Tommy: Here. How about this? "If you believe in miracles, love at first sight, and breakfast in bed, contact me for adventures in truth."
Dick: [gasps] What a wonderful line! That's brilliant!

Dick: Hello, Mary.
Mary: Oh, hello, Dick.
Dick: I'd ask you to sit down but I'm meeting someone.
Mary: [whispers] So am I.
[Mary looks over and sees Dick pinning a white carnation to his shirt]
Mary: Oh, no!
Dick: Oh, no! [both scream] Oh, Mary, what are you doing answering a personal ad? Don't you know that only twisted weirdoes place those things?
Mary: Well, I do now!
Mary: Okay. Here's the deal: we speak of this to no one!
Dick: I don't even want to speak of this to you! [both groan]

Tommy: Hey. What's with the nerd kit?
Dick: Well, since I'm destined to be alone the rest of my life, I- I thought I needed something to keep me busy, so I stopped by the hobby shop.
Harry: Ooh, choo-choos!
Dick: Hands off! You can only play with them when you've completely lost the ability to attract the opposite sex.
Harry: I'm going to go see a movie.

Tommy: Dick, that Celia woman called for you again.
Dick: Oh, I'm not surprised. I've discovered the most powerful aphrodisiac there is.
Sally: What, self-confidence?
Dick: No. Self-loathing.
Harry: Well, I thought it was two tickets to an Eddie Money concert and a bottle of Jagermeister.
Dick: No. No. As I see it, women don't want a finished product. They crave a fixer-upper.

Don: I'm not going to lie to you fellas. Don likes the ladies.
Harry: In addition to liking 'em, do you ever get the courage to talk to one?
Don: Not really. Fortunately, the good lord created a nice little icebreaker called jaywalking tickets.

Dick: You know, I just realized something about these ladies. Not one of them is Mary Albright, and yet I'm incredibly turned on by them.
Tommy: Oh. Well, good for you, Dick.
Dick: I don't know whether to kiss them or get on my knees and bark like a dog.
Don: Well, as a police officer, I must tell you that each approach has its strengths.

Harry: Hey, look. I dropped my wallet.
Tommy: You don't have a wallet.
Harry: Hey! I found a wallet. Ooh! And it's got 200 bucks in it.
Don: Ooh, it's your lucky day.
Tommy: Well, shouldn't we return it?
Harry: Yeah.
Don: Sure. That's kind of what I was saying.

Tommy: Sally, you should have seen the look on this guy's face when we returned his wallet.
Harry: It was the most satisfying experience of my life.
Mrs. Dubcek: What kind of reward did you get?
Tommy: Reward?
Mrs. Dubcek: Yeah. You know, a little something to show his appreciation.
Tommy: We got nothing.
Harry: He unappreciated us.
Tommy: That tool!