Dick: Hello, I've had sex before. I know how to do it. [the woman walks away] She obviously doesn't speak a word of English. [to another woman] Hi. I'm Dick Solomon. I'm tight with the money, but never with the lovin'. Stone deaf, how sad.

Sally: Dick, I think you need to be a little more casual, Okay? Um, watch. Hi.
Man #1: Hi. Want to get some coffee?
Sally: No. See? It's easy. You got to be doing something wrong, 'cause I can practically grunt and they're interested.
Dick: Grunt?
Sally: Yeah. Here, watch. Huhh!
Man #2: Want to get a cup of coffee?
Sally: No.

Dick: Can someone please explain why I struck out last night when all Sally had to do was grunt?
Tommy: I don't know, Dick. Could be the boobs.
Sally: They are terrific.
Dick: You're so lucky to be the woman.
Sally: Oh, hey, men are weird, you know. You don't have to be nice to them at all, and they're practically groveling at your feet.
Don: [enters] Hello, Sally.
Sally: Watch this. Hey, Don, that's a terrible haircut.
Don: Uh-huh. You want to go with me to the Policemen's Ball?
Sally: See? I'm just kidding.
Don: I see. You want to go with me to the Policemen's Ball?
Sally: No.
Don: Look, if you'll just walk in with me, I'll buy your ticket, and I'll give you $25 in cash.
Sally: Okay.

Harry: I'd buy a ticket, but "Mr. Genuine Cowhide" didn't give me no reward.
Tommy: We got stiffed.

Dick: I've been watching you. For a larger woman, you hardly sweat at all.

Don: Dick, have I told you that I've been in therapy for the past 5 years?
Dick: No. Is it helping?
Don: Not right now it isn't.
Dick: Oh, well, Don, at least we have each other.
Don: Yeah.
Woman: Dance?
Dick: Oh, yes!
Woman: Not you.
Dick: [sighs] I know.
Don: Later, Dick!

Sally: Oh, good news, Dick. Your ad is getting responses.
Dick: Ooh. How- How many?
Sally: 5, but 3 of them were hangups. Okay. Um, "Successful, self-made businesswoman. Enjoys classical music, long walks, and the arts."
Dick: Oh, I love the arts!
Sally: "Passions include karate and revenge."
Dick: Yes! No.
Sally: That's a red flag. Okay, the second one is, "Your words opened my heart. "If you want to hear more, meet me at Johnny Foam's tonight at 8:00. I'll be wearing a white carnation. You wear one, too. Must have job."
Dick: I have a job. Oh, this is incredible! What a spectacular story this will make for our grandchildren!

Dick: Uh, miss, do you still want to have that cup of coffee with me?
Waitress: I'm the waitress.
Dick: I know.

Tommy: Who's Paul?
Sally: Some bozo I met at the policemen's ball. He's coming over tomorrow.
Tommy: Well, if you don't like him, why are you letting him come over?
Sally: Research. I want to see if there's any limit to the abuse a man will take on this planet before he finally tells me to go to hell.
Tommy: Ah, that's different. I thought you were just being mean.
Sally: Not this time.

Don: Hello, Sally.
Sally: I thought you were supposed to be on duty.
Don: I am, but Dick asked me to pick up some little plastic men at the hobby shop. He said it was urgent.
Sally: Oh, Don, I'm so worried about him.
Don: No two ways about it. He needs a chick, Sally, and fast.
Sally: Could you fix him up, Don?
Don: Well, I don't know anyone, but maybe Bibi does.
Sally: Bibi, Don?
Don: Bibi, baby. I met her at the policemen's ball. [they lean into kiss until Dick blows his train whistle]