Sally: Dick, don't you find it just a little bit odd that a woman that gorgeous likes you?
Dick: You wouldn't think it was odd if I were Mick Jagger.
Sally: Yeah, but Mick Jagger's not a small-town college professor.
Dick: Exactly. And yet he still gets women. Next time, try thinking before you open your mouth.

Tommy: Dick, Sally, I'd like you to meet Chloe.
Dick: Hi.
Chloe: Hello. I'm extremely beautiful, and I'm Tommy's new girlfriend.
Sally: Wait. Is that true, Tommy?
Tommy: Yes. And yes.
Sally: A woman like that is not supposed to be available to a high school kid. That's why we got him a subscription to Playboy.
Dick: And now we can cancel it. Ba-bam!

Nina: Why would he send you the tickets?
Mary: Oh, uh, Frank was having a little trouble maintaining his academic eligibility. I just gave him a little help and guidance.
Nina: "Your classes were so easy. Thank you for letting me coast."
Mary: He was a brilliant student.
Judith: He spelled easy with a "Z."
Mary: Oh, who cares?! I have two tickets to the Super Bowl!

Sally: You and Tommy have spent a fortune on these women. Look, $700 for a necklace, $400 for earrings.
Tommy: Guys, look what I bought for Chloe.
Sally: How much did that cost?
Tommy: $50.
Dick: $50?
Sally: Really?
Tommy: A month for the next 16 years.

Sally: One second. Wait, wait, wait. Can somebody please explain to me why Rutherford, Ohio, is suddenly brimming over with beautiful women just dying to date losers?
Harry: Well, I'm betting it has something to do with El Nino.

Mascha: What do you see when you look at me?
Harry: Ooh, I see someone who's sweet, fun to be with, maybe a little insecure, but I like that about you.
Mascha: Don't you think I'm beautiful?
Harry: Well, sure, you're cute. Even with the mole.

Sally: Excuse me. I just, uh, need to wash my hands.
Chloe: Why were you hiding in there?
Sally: I wasn't hiding.
Mascha: Then why weren't your feet visible?
Sally: This is pretty embarrassing, but, um sometimes I jam my feet against the stall door, you know, for leverage. I haven't been eating enough grains lately so it's been... waaaa!

Don: Why don't we stop kidding ourselves? We knew it couldn't last forever.
Dick: The thing I most regret is I didn't take any pictures of Gabriella and me. Now no one's going to believe me when I tell them I slept with her.
Tommy: You didn't.
Dick: You see, it's started already!

Greg Gumbel: Welcome back to San Diego, everyone, the site of Super Bowl XXXII, won by the Denver Broncos. Terrell Davis, the most valuable-
Dick: Run for your lives! The big women are angry! Save yourselves while there's still time!
Greg Gumbel: Security! I need security!
Dick: No! I'm trying to warn you! They're already here! They're ready to take over!

Dick: [v.o.] How did it happen? It began so innocently. It was a day like any other. I can still remember. I was teaching a class in physics. High Commander's Log, January 12, Earth year 1998. There are some new students in my class today. I usually don't allow students to join my class mid-semester, but I made an exception this time because they walked in and sat down.
Dick: Kepler's third law states what, class?
Bug: A body in motion tends to stay in motion.
Dick: No, no. Bug, I'm looking for a planetary law.
Pitman: Yeah, planets, you know, heavenly bodies? [chuckles]
Dick: Kepler's third law, anybody?
Gabriella: The square of a planet's period of orbit is proportional to the cube of its average distance from the sun.
Dick: Th- Th- That- That's very good, uh...
Gabriella: Gabriella.
Dick: Gabriella.