Nina: Hey, Tommy. Where's Dr. Albright?
Tommy: Well, we're not sure, but we think she's having sex with Dick.
Nina: Oh, my God! What is she thinking?
Tommy: What's she thinking? What's he thinking?
Nina: Okay. Can we just agree that they're both idiots?
Tommy: Yeah!

Nina: So nobody noticed that Dr. Albright isn't here?
Tommy: Oh, well, we didn't want to spoil the mood, so we told them all that her parents died.
Nina: Well, maybe I ought to help out.
Tommy: Uh... no, that won't be necessary.
Sally: [enters] Ladies, I've got chills. If you like the carrot keeper, you'll think this next item is the cat's whiskers. I give to you the super snack tube. [crowd gasps] I know. I know. This slick little number was designed for you moms with little ones whose mouths always need feedin'. Hungry kids? Hey, no problem. Car, park, or pool, you'll always be ready.
Nina: I'm no mom, but I've got a mouth, and I want one.
Woman: Oh, put me down for two!
Sally: Ooh! You know what I smell? [Sniffs] A bargain! And I'm gonna go get it.

Sally: Enough! You know what? It was my party. I'm calling the shots.
Tommy: We helped!
Sally: "Oh, we helped!" I carried this baby on my back! I threw the Tupperware party of the season! I'm the one who decides who gets what, and nobody touches nothin'!
Tommy: No, Sally. That ain't right. We were all in this together!
Harry: Partners. Equal partners, equal shares.
Sally: You know what, just cool down here. Why don't you guys go in the kitchen and get yourself something to eat?
Tommy: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't ya? And when we get back, what do ya know? The bun hutch is gone!
Sally: Hey, hey, wait a minute! I wouldn't do ya like that. I just thought maybe you'd like some mini pizza bagels.
Harry: Bagels? Bagels?! We don't need no stinking bagels!

Mary: When I wrote this, I was so young and ambitious. I was so full of dreams. And you know what else? I was so full of crap! This is what I thought was good?! This belongs in here! It belongs in the garbage!
Dick: Oh, I know how you feel.
Mary: Oh, you can't know how I feel!
Dick: I know what it's like to be betrayed by your memories. I remembered our relationship as being all rosy, but it turns out it was one long nightmare.
Mary: It wasn't all bad. A lot of it was, but some of it was okay.
Dick: You mean it?
Mary: Yeah.
Dick: Well, what you wrote about the Mayan subculture in chapter 11 was really wonderful.
Mary: You read my thesis. You're the one who checked it out!
Dick: Of course I was. I even kept it an extra week. I got $3.00 in fines.
Mary: Then you liked it?
Dick: Yeah, it was good. Maybe not $3.00 good, but good.
Mary: So it was you. What a nice surprise.

Mary: [on the phone] Well, I don't understand these charges. I did not watch Beastmaster's Revenge four times. I don't even know what a Beastmaster is! Well, that does sound intriguing, but I didn't order it. And what is Ultimate Warrior Bloodbath '98? Oh, wait. I did order that.

Sally: We've gotta stop him!
Tommy: He could be hanging his toothbrush at her house right now.
Harry: Let's go!
Tommy: Wait, wait, wait. Don't you think we're being kind of selfish here?
Sally: No.
Harry: Let's go!

Dick: Oh, come on, Mary. We'll just have to wait till they rescue us tomorrow morning.
Mary: The library's closed tomorrow.
Dick: The library's closed on Saturday?
Mary: Dick, this is not a good school!

Mary: Wait a minute. I'm having a Tupperware party tomorrow, and Nina's gonna be there. She'll put two and two together when she realizes I'm not there, and she'll come get me!
Dick: And me?!
Mary: Whatever.
Dick: Well... that's a cause for celebration.
[As Dick pops the cork off the champagne, it shoots up and smashes the light bulb]
Dick: How romantic.
Mary: Pour the damn champagne!

Tommy: There's nothing down here!
Sally: [o.s.] Oh! Oh, my god!
Tommy: What, did you walk in on them?
Sally: No. I think I just ate a bath oil bead!

Dick: Well, things could be worse. I mean, if I'm going to be trapped with someone, I'm sure glad it's you. At least with you, I know that, no matter how hungry you get, I'm not going to wake up to find you gnawing at my leg. [chuckles] Right, Mary?