Don: Sally, where have you been? I thought we had a good thing going.
Sally: Oh, Don, we did. I just- I needed to take a little time, you know, to think things over. I just went on one those spontaneous trips, you know, to, um, uh...
Tommy: Sea World.
Harry: Turkey.
Sally: Yeah, the Sea World in Turkey.
Don: Funny, I didn't know there was a sea world in turkey.
Sally: There's Sea Worlds everywhere, Don. You just got to know where to look.

Don: As if there could be intelligent life out there. What a load of hooey.
Harry: Hooey?
Don: Oh, yeah. So much bunk, you can make a bed out of it.
Harry: Oh, it's bunk, is it?
Don: Any moron with half a brain knows that.
Harry: Half a brain. I see. Well, you know, Don, it's a big universe out there, and not just small big. Big big. Why, in the Belletrix System alone there are over 44 trillion planets.
Don: 44 trillion? That's the biggest number I've ever heard in my life.
Harry: Yeah. So don't you think on just one of those planets that there might be some species smarter than you that would be capable of building a spaceship?
Don: Statistically, I suppose. Maybe there is more to this than meets the eye. Thank you, Harry.
Harry: No. Thank you, Don.

Dick: Oh, no, Mary, I had another one of those horrible dreams!
Mary: Well, what happened?
Dick: We were getting married.
Mary: Thank you.
Dick: No, no. No, that was the good part, but then my family showed up.
Mary: Oh. Don't tell me. They objected.
Dick: Well they had issues.
Mary: It's all right. I've prepared a short speech just in case they did. It's just basically two words and one of them's "off."

Tommy: So, Janet, what do you call these things we're eating?
Janet: Pancakes.
Tommy: These are pancakes? I thought pancakes were burnt globs of dough that explode with flour when you bite into them, Sally.
Sally: Me, too.

[dream sequence:]
Minister: And that togetherness is what is most celebrated about this very special occasion.
Dick: Oh, Mary, this is the happiest day of my life. You look so beautiful. And I look smashing in my tuxedo. My bow tie matches my cummerbund.
Mary: You're not wearing a cummerbund.
Dick: Yes, I am.
Mary: You're supposed to wear it on the outside.
Dick: Oh. Oh, that explains the rash.

Dick: Mary. Mary, I think I made a big mistake. I should never have let them go off without me... uh, on vacation.
Mary: Well, until they get back, can't we just enjoy our time alone?
Dick: [sobs] Alone?
Mary: Dick, are you having second thoughts about us?
Dick: About us? Oh, no, Mary. I don't know what I'd do without you. You're the only thing keeping me sane.
Mary: [chuckles] Oh! And it's a full-time job. [both laugh] I'm going to get ready for work. You crazy lug.
Dick: [laughter turns into crying] I miss you all so much. And my oatmeal is so lumpy.

Dick: Oh, enough about your damn families! Didn't anybody spend the break alone, watching reruns and eating cheese doodles while an unfathomable emptiness permeated their shriveled souls?
Leon: I saw Booty Call on pay-per-view.
Dick: Don't try to cheer me up, Leon. It won't work.
Leon: Is there something you'd like to talk about, Dr. Solomon?
Dick: Talk about? With you, Leon? [laughs]
Leon: Well, you know I am a psych major... now.
Dick: You are? Well, then help me out. I've made a horrible, horrible mistake, and I can't stop hating myself for making it.
Leon: Well, you know, Dr. Solomon, a person should never be sad for the mistakes he's made. Only for the mistakes he's about to make.
Dick: Leon, that's beautiful. It also explains why you always seem so sad. Thank you, Leon. You've made it all so clear. I've got to learn to let go, to move forward and focus on the thing that's most important in my life. [screeching] Me!

Dick: You guys remember when I thought our brains were melting? You remember that? [chuckles] Well, it turns out we were just dreaming. But, hey, none of you caught it either. I mean, it was pretty stupid on all our parts, especially your parts. I'm not taking the blame on this one! [horn honks] Oh! Oh, I'm sorry. Let's not fight. I miss you with all my heart. I've come here every night hoping you'd returned but you never have. And so I've come to a decision. Sally, Harry, Tommy, I can't go on torturing myself anymore. I have to move forward with my life, the life I've chosen with Mary. I hope you understand. And so good-bye. Good-bye, Sally. Good-bye, Tommy. Good-bye, Harry.
Harry: [o.s.] Good-bye, Dick!
Dick: It's almost as if I could hear you.
Harry: [o.s.] It sure is!
Dick: Harry, you're back!

Sally: Uh, look, Dick, here's the deal. The Big Giant Head thinks your pursuit of that blonde wench is distracting you from your duties.
Dick: How does he know so much about my wench?
Tommy: He summoned us before him. He made us wear the truth belt.
Sally: The one with the buzzer?
Harry: Bzzz!
Sally: It was horrible, Dick.
Dick: So you caved, Lieutenant?
Sally: Yes!
Dick: You just brought her here?
Sally: Well, it was either that or the Big Giant Head was going to have you sucked back to the home planet.
Dick: Then I'd rather be sucked!
Sally: Oh, typical!

Tommy: You know, Dick, it might not be so bad. This woman, she is 100% wife. I mean, all she read on the way over was The Joy of Cooking and The Joy of Sex.
Janet: This car is meshuggah!
Tommy: Oh, yeah. And The Joy of Yiddish.
Janet: Did you guys realize that we have 3 holes in our heads?
Tommy: Five.
Janet: Two here and then this one.
Tommy: Yeah, feel the sides of your head.
Janet: [gasps] What do you know?
Sally: Just wait. There's more.