Janet: I love this room.
Sally: Oh, what's not to love? Did you know that this is where I do all of my cooking and cleaning? I mean, there is no greater honor for a woman. Me, I can't get enough of it. In fact, I'm gonna clean some dishes right now. [chuckles] Oh, yeah!
Janet: Oh, but I'm the wife. Shouldn't I be able to do the dishes?
Sally: No. This is too much fun, okay?
Janet: Please!
Sally: Okay, if you insist. But I still get to do the floors. Whee! [humming]
Janet: No, no, no, no, no! I think the floors are my turf now.
Sally: Okay, there is no way you're getting this job, sister. But you're the wife. Good-bye, kitchen. I sure am gonna miss ya.

Man: [on TV] Are there aliens among us? Tonight, local residents report seeing mysterious lights in the sky over the old Sweeney Farm.
Harry: Whoa! That's the place where we landed!
Tommy: Okay, all right. We have nothing to worry about. Sally cleaned up the landing site.
Sally: You said you were gonna clean up the landing site.
Harry: No, no, no, no, no, no. I said I was going to clean up the landing site.
Dick: So you cleaned up the landing site.
Harry: No. [all scream]

Janet: Good morning, dear. I'm just putting the finishing touches on your lunch.
Harry: Ow, wow, Dick. You look terrible.
Dick: I feel even worse.
Tommy: Why? What's wrong?
Dick: All night long, Janet kept trying to touch my wacky place.

[Janet and Mrs. Dubcek are looking at the book The Joy of Sex]
Janet: Have you ever done that?
Mrs. Dubcek: Yeah.
Janet: Have you ever done that?
Mrs. Dubcek: Oh, yeah.
Janet: Have you ever done that?
Mrs. Dubcek: [turns the book upside down] Yeah.

Dick: Listen up, everyone. I have a plan.
Harry: I'll go get Janet.
Dick: No, no! It's a plan to get rid of Janet.
Harry: Right. Nice save.
Sally: Dick, you can't just kick her out.
Dick: I know. But what if she wanted to leave?
Tommy: She doesn't want to leave.
Dick: Not yet. But I think I can change that. Watch. Watch as I become the most obnoxious, repulsive creep any woman has ever met.
Harry: Wow, the transformation is astounding.
Tommy: I'm impressed.
Dick: I haven't done it yet!

[dream sequence:]
Minister: Now, then, if anyone objects to this sacred union, speak now or forever hold your peace.
[An ominous chord plays. A flash of light reveals Sally, Harry and Tommy, who look dirty and disheveled]
Sally: I object.
Harry: I think that's my arm.
Sally: Huh? Oh, sorry.
Dick: My family! You made it! I was afraid I was never going to see you again. You look well. You got some color.
Tommy: Could have used you at the wheel, Dick.
Sally: Oh, but no. You had to stay and marry that Earth chick.
Harry: Yeah. With tragic results for us.
Dick: I- I tried to contact you. I tried everything. I even built a transmitter, but then I spilled grape soda on it and the whole thing shorted out. However, I did manage to have a brief conversation with the captain of a shrimp boat.
Sally: So that's supposed to make it better?

Dick: Oh, I missed you all so much! Oh, Sally. Oh, Harry. Tommy. Oh! A woman I've never seen before! Who's this?!
Tommy: The Big Giant Head sent her.
Sally: Dick, I'd like you to meet your new wife!
Dick: My wife?!
Janet: Hi, honey, I'm home!

Dick: Family meeting! Family meeting! No, not you. That is not my wife.
Sally: So? I'm not your sister.
Harry: Yeah, and I'm not your brother.
Tommy: He's certainly not my uncle.
Sally: And I'm not his aunt.
Dick: I'm not his father. [all talking at once] You see? This woman is tearing this family apart! That's it. Meeting adjourned. That woman is not my wife. I'm engaged to Mary.

Tommy: Dick, you're gonna have to forget about her.
Dick: No, this can't be happening. This cannot be happening. It's got to be another crazy dream.
Harry: It's not a dream, Dick.
Dick: I don't believe you. [Tommy pinches Dick] I still don't believe you. [Sally slaps Dick] I'll never believe you! [Harry kicks Dick] All right, all right! I believe you! I believe you!
Janet: Can I rub that for you?
Dick: Oh, leave me alone.
Janet: Yes, dear.
Dick: Go away!
Janet: Thank you!

Sally: Isn't she adorable? We've been calling her Janet. Well, most of us have.
Harry: I'm telling you, she looks like a Zippy.