Tommy: Oh, man. The High Commander and the Lieutenant are incapacitated. You know what that means? The Information Officer takes over, and that's me. I'm in charge of the mission.
Harry: Permission to speak, High Commander.
Tommy: Permission granted.
Harry: Well, we might as well just take this mission, roll it up and stick it... [voice quavers] Incoming message from the Big Giant Head. "Your request to return home for emergency maintenance has been authorized."
Tommy: Yes!
Harry: "The time-space portal will open tomorrow evening between 8:51 and 8:53 P.M. Earth time. On your journey home, we will be showing Tin Cup, starring Kevin Costner and Rene Russo."
Tommy: Well, that settles it. We're going.
Harry: "The Big Giant Head looks forward to reading your comprehensive report on the history of human civilization."
Tommy: Oh, no.

Don: Sally, uh, you're gonna have to calm down.
Sally: Oh, don't you see, Don? You're alive, which means it's my brain. My sick, twisted brain. I could be capable of anything. Anything at all! [gasps] There's only one hope, Don. I've got to get on the pill.
Don: Um, this isn't how I expected this to happen, but hey.
Sally: Dick's on the pill, and it seems to be working for him.
Don: Okay, you lost me again.
Sally: Uh, I'll call you when I'm not myself anymore.

Tommy: Oh, Dick, Sally! It's happening to me too! I'm falling apart at the seams!
Dick: Oh, this chair feels all soft on my bottom.
Tommy: Will you listen to me? This is serious!
Sally: You know what's good for serious things? One of those.
Harry: Oh, no, no, no, Tommy. Don't do it.
Dick: Look, Tommy. Look how pretty they are. And they have a line down the middle where you can break them in half.
Harry: So you can take half?
Dick: No, so you can take one and a half.

Dick: Tommy, Harry, I want to thank you for getting us off that pill.
Harry: Oh, you feel better?
Dick: Oh, I feel horrible. But at least I feel.

Sally: While we were "out", Tommy got a hold of the Big Giant Head.
Tommy: We leave tonight at 8:53.
Harry: Last chance for ice cream.
Dick: Oh, when are we coming back?
Tommy: I don't know, I didn't ask.
Sally: Who knows? The service department's always backed up.
Harry: Yep. They'll probably have to send out for parts.
Tommy: Could be a week, could be a year, could be 200 years.

Dick: What about Mary?
Sally: Oh, she'll be dead.
Dick: I can't leave her without saying good-bye.
Sally: Wait! Dick, there isn't time.
Dick: Sure, there is.
Sally: No, listen, I know you, Dick. You're gonna go there, you're gonna get all ooey-gooey, and you'll miss the transport.
Dick: That is such a lie!
Sally: Now, remember one thing. Harry is the transmitter, and he's coming with us, okay? So without him, you'd be stranded here forever.
Dick: Don't worry. I'm gonna steel myself up, march in there, and just do the headlines: "Love ya, miss ya, good-bye." And maybe a little second-base action, but that's it.

Dick: Hello, Mary. I came by to say I will miss you terribly.
Mary: Okay. Is there anything else I should know?
Dick: Yes. I care about you deeply and I love you.
Mary: Of course. Do you mind if I pack? [Dick whimpers] What?
Dick: Nothing. I bit my fist. In conclusion, I'll always carry a locket of your DNA, and you'll be glad to know that the vision of your naked body will be with me for all time.
Mary: Well, I guess there's nothing else to say but good bye. Good bye, Dick.
Dick: Good bye, Mary. I'm walking away now.

Dick: No. No, this is not how it ends. This has been a long and difficult journey, and it will not end this way. There will be no tepid farewells for us. I need you, Mary. Your eyes, your face, your every nook and cranny. Especially your cranny. You are Mary world, and I love Mary world. It's the happiest place on earth. Oh, come on, Mary! Let's take a spin on those teacups!
Mary: I don't want to go!
Dick: I don't want to go either!
Mary: Where are you going?
Dick: Uh, nowhere. Maybe I am losing my mind, but while there's a little left, I want to marry you.
Mary: Marry me?
Dick: Sure, I'll marry you. We'll be so happy.
Mary: This is so great!
Dick: I know!

Don: Thanks, Mrs. Dubcek. I wouldn't ask you to let me in if I didn't think Sally really needed help.
Mrs. Dubcek: You know, I used to date a police officer. Maybe you know him, Teddy Rubino.
Don: He's the guy whose wife put a slug in him for fooling around.

Don: Dear God! Stand back. I'm afraid he's dead.
Mrs. Dubcek: Are you sure?
Don: Of course I'm sure. I'm a cop.
Harry: [sits up] Hi, Don.
Don: Damn it, I got to learn how to take a pulse.