Vicki Dubcek: Um, doc-... Dr. Albright it would mean a great deal to me if you would deliver my child into this world.
Mary: What?
Vicki Dubcek: Well, you're the only doctor I trust.
Mary: Oh, Vicki, I- I'm not that kind of doctor.
Vicki Dubcek: Oh. I see. Just because I do not have insurance means I'm not a human being.

Vicki Dubcek: Okay, Tommy. Now, the thing about a cummerbund is that not only is it a nice accent to your ensemble, but you can also hide your stash in it.
Tommy: I'm not hiding a stash in it.
Vicki Dubcek: Oh. Well, you know, that's a good idea. You ought to hold it. They never search the girl.
Alissa: That's just great. I was worried about that, too. I'm leaving.
Vicki Dubcek: [laughs] She is the sweetest thing. You be good to her, Tommy. This is the most important night of her life.
Tommy: What about her wedding?
Vicki Dubcek: Ah! Weddings come and go. But a girl only has one junior prom. Of course some girls have none.
Harry: Hello, Vicki.
Vicki Dubcek: Excuse me. Tommy, did you hear anything? 'Cause I most certainly did not!

Vicki Dubcek: Hey, guys.
Tommy: Hi, Vicki. What are you doin' here?
Vicki Dubcek: Well, I was just sittin' at home- Hi. I was just sittin' at home feelin' lonesome, and I thought, hey, what the hell? It's never too late to go to your junior prom. [laughs]
Don: I'm not sure that's true.
Vicki Dubcek: [sobs]

Mary: Oh, it's nothing to be ashamed of, Dick. This happens to all men at some point in their life.
Dick: It does?
Mary: Sure. At least, I think so. I wouldn't really know. I've been batting kind of a thousand... up until now. [Dick groans] Oh, Dick, what's wrong?
Dick: Oh, I don't know. Ever since Stone got here-
Mary: Oh, enough about Stone! I knew his type back in college. Big man on campus. But you look past that flashy smile, sleep with him a couple of times, do kinky things you never thought you'd do, and then try for days to get him to answer the phone. Then you see the real him.
Dick: This isn't really the pep talk I was hoping for.

Sally: You know, you cannot order Harry around like that anymore, Dick. He outranks you now.
Dick: Oh, right. I forgot. I have too much cellulite on my ass to be a High Commander.
Tommy: Yeah, Dick. Maybe if you put on a wonder bra, you could get your job back.
Sally: Are you guys insinuating that I got this job because of the way I look?
Tommy: Who's insinuating? We're saying it right to your face.
Harry: Yeah.
Sally: This is so typical! When a woman with a body like this gets a promotion, everybody questions it. But if it were a man with a body like this, there wouldn't be any question!

Sally: Dick, Dick, Dick. [Dick yelps] Dick, wake up! Wake up, Dick!
Dick: [wakes up] Wha- Wha- Wha? Oh. Oh, Sally, thank god! I had the most horrible nightmare! I dreamt that the Big Giant Head came to earth! And he was an obnoxious, loudmouthed boob, and... and he made you High Commander, and and then I was eating a giant marshmallow and... Oh, my God! Where's my pillow?!
Sally: Dick. Get ahold of yourself, okay? Look. It wasn't a dream. He did make me High Commander.
Dick: And my pillow?
Sally: He, uh... He confiscated all our pillows for himself.

Dick: Oh, my God. Then it's true. Sally, get me some coffee.
Sally: Dick... [chuckles] I'm not getting you anything anymore. You work under me now, and you're just gonna have to get used to it.
Dick: Oh, great!
Sally: Now, get up and get dressed.
Dick: No.
Sally: That's an order!
Dick: An order? "High Commander Sally." That sounds real impressive. [lisps] Rally 'round, troops. High Commander Sally wants to go to the mall.
Sally: Did it ever occur to you that I might actually deserve this promotion?
Dick: Of course it didn't!

Sally: Ah. Good afternoon, Dick.
Dick: High Commander. Look, I- I just want to say I- I completely accept your new position and only hope that you will treat me with the same consideration and respect that I, as High Commander, showed you.
Sally: Of course. Get out of my chair.

Tommy: You look really pretty tonight, Alissa.
Alissa: Thank you.
Big Giant Head: [head out the sun roof] Yee-haw!
Alissa: Tommy, I just have a question.
Tommy: Yeah.
Alissa: Who is this man, and what's he doing here ruining my life?
Big Giant Head: Yaaahhh! Whoo-hoo! Ha-- [choking] I think I swallowed a bug.

Don: Hey, kids. Have you seen anything illegal goin' down? You know, smoking, drinking?
Tommy: No.
Don: Oh. Come on, cats. Old Donny's no square. I'm totally down with your awesome scene. Now, uh... which one of these kids is dancin' with Lucy in the sky with diamonds?