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‘Episode I: The Baby Menace’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

3rd Rock from the Sun: Episode I: The Baby Menace

501. Episode I: The Baby Menace

Aired September 21, 1999

The Solomons are terrified that their cover will be blown when Vicki Dubcek gives birth to the Big Giant Head's baby.

Quote from Dick

Dick: It's amazing. After all these years, we've actually played a part in bringing a new life onto this planet.
Sally: This kid is gonna have so much that we never had. He'll actually grow up here. He won't make all the mistakes we made.
Dick: We didn't make a lot of mistakes.
Tommy: What are you talking about? Do you remember the time that we thought the phone was a fire alarm and any time someone called, we'd run outside in our underpants?
Harry: Or what about the time we tried to bust open the television set because we wanted to meet the Jeffersons?
Sally: Yeah, yeah, yeah! But Dick stopped us 'cause he didn't want the Flintstones to escape!
Dick: Yeah. Our modern world would have terrified them.
Sally: Yeah, but I mean, they already had cars. They were very evolved.

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Quote from Dick

Sally: You disobeyed orders, mister.
Dick: I couldn't do it.
Sally: Fine. I'll kill him myself.
Dick: You can't kill him. You're the High Commander.
Sally: So?
Dick: High commanders are forbidden to kill. They're considered upper management.
Sally: Fine. I hereby make myself security officer.
Dick: So you're security officer and High Commander?
Sally: Okay. You're High Commander. I'm gonna go kill that guy.
Dick: Got it. Oh, and by the way, my first order as High Commander is that you shall not kill that reporter.
Sally: No! Then I make myself High Commander again-
Dick: Uh, uh, uh. Can't do that, Lieutenant.
Sally: Oh, you had this planned all along!
Dick: That's why I'm High Commander. And, no, I didn't!

Quote from Dick

Sally: What happened, Harry?
Harry: It... came... out!
Dick: Is it a purple tube?
Harry: Well, it's purple, and it's slimy, and it's got a hose.
Tommy: A hose?! Oh, great. It's a mutant!
Dick: All right. We'll kidnap him and hide him. When he's a teenager, we'll set him free. Then if he's really messed up, we can blame it on television.

Quote from Harry

Mary: Come on, Vicki, push.
Vicki Dubcek: I- I can't.
Mary: Yes, you can. Push.
Harry: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Maybe it doesn't wanna come out. Let's not rush things, okay? Here, let me just slide that right back in there for ya.
Vicki Dubcek: [hoarsely] You touch me you die! [snarls]

Quote from Sally

Mary: They just brought him to the nursery. He is positively glowing!
All: Oh!
Harry: Now he's glowin'.
Mary: Let's go see him. He's got Vicki's eyes.
Tommy: What's he doing with Vicki's eyes?
Sally: I just hope he's not eating them.

Quote from Vicki Dubcek

Vicki Dubcek: [on the phone while smoking] Yeah, that's right. Last name Dubcek. First name Victoria. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, no, the baby's right here. [wafts away cigarette smoke] [Harry enters] Yeah, his name is Eric Travis. Yeah. All right, well, when he gets back from lunch, just tell him that I was implanted by alien seed. [Harry gasps] Yeah. And I am now the mother of a hybrid alien race. Thanks a lot, hon. Bye-bye. [hangs-up]
Harry: Wrong number?
Vicki Dubcek: No, Harry, I was trying to talk to a reporter.
Harry: Oh, really?
Vicki Dubcek: Mmm-hmm. I think he's gonna be mighty interested in my tale of alien conception.
Harry: Oh, ho. Alien conception. [laughs] I'm goin' to the store. You need anything?
Vicki Dubcek: Oh, baby, I would love another carton of cigarettes.
Harry: Sure. Smokin' for two now.

Quote from Sally

Dick: Okay, how does this sound? "Born to Victoria Marie Dubcek, a healthy, totally human son."
Sally: Well, add illegitimate. I think she'd appreciate that.
Dick: That's a nice touch.

Quote from Dick

Tommy: Hey, Sally, what's for dinner? I'm starving.
Sally: Huh. I don't make dinner. I'm the High Commander. I have bigger fish to fry.
Dick: If it's bigger than sea bass, I won't eat it.
Sally: You guys, I'm not cooking, okay? I mean, I can't be distracted by household chores.
Tommy: I think the High Commander has a point.
Dick & Sally: Thank you.

Quote from Harry

Sally: How's Vicki?
Harry: Oh, proud. Proud, proud, proud, proud, proud, proud, proud, proud, proud. Callin' up everybody and telling 'em all about little Eric Travis.
Dick: That is nice.
Harry: Hey, I got an idea! Just a what if. You know how we're always saying that we should tell everybody that we're aliens?
Sally: We never say that.
Harry: Right! So if we bump into, oh, I don't know, say a reporter and we've got this cute little baby with its proud alien heritage... I mean, think about it! Everybody loves babies nowadays. I mean, what better time for us to come clean about who we really are?
Dick: Are you insane? Where did you get such a stupid idea?
Harry: [chuckles] I don't know.

Quote from Dick

Ken Fretts: Hello. I'm looking for a, uh Victoria Dubcek? I'm Ken Fretts of the World Globe. I got a call from this Dubcek lady about an alien baby?
Dick: Family meeting. Family meeting!
Tommy: We have a problem here.
Sally: No, no, no. We're fine. We all saw it. It's human. It's not a threat.
Dick: Well, maybe it isn't. But Vicki remembers being in the spaceship! If he talks to her, we're screwed! This guy's no idiot. He works for the World Globe.
Tommy: These guys don't quit till they get their story. I mean, did you see the pictures of that man with the 50-pound wart? Shots like that just don't fall into your lap!

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