Mary: Because I have a little news flash about your friend. This afternoon, he grabbed me and kissed me!
Dick: What?!
Mary: Oh, Dick, I know how this must make you feel.
Dick: Oh, but this is wonderful!
Mary: What?!
Dick: Stone likes you. This reflects beautifully on me.
Mary: Dick, another man put his tongue in my mouth!
Dick: Tongue? Yes!

Alissa: Tommy, it's bad, but it's not that bad. The point is that we're here together, and that makes me happy.
Tommy: Really?
Alissa: Really.
[The Big Giant Head trips and dumps a bowl of red punch over Alissa, a la Pretty in Pink]
Big Giant Head: Whoops!
Tommy: I'll get some napkins.
Student: Okay, everybody, it's that time! And now the king and queen of the junior prom Tommy Solomon and Alissa Strudwick!
Tommy: Oh! Oh! Oh, my God! We won! Oh. Oh, thank you so much!
Big Giant Head: Oh, this is so beautiful!

Vicki Dubcek: Well... I was with Stone.
Harry: [gasps] You were with Stone? [Tommy covers Harry's mouth]
Sally: Uh, what happened with Stone?
Vicki Dubcek: Well, it just doesn't make any sense. I mean, all I remember is I'm lookin' down on the earth from way high up, and there were these pulsating lights and this... this noise, this skee-bee-dee-beep-beep. Skee-bee-dee-beep-beep. Skee-bee-dee-beep-beep. Skee-bee-dee-beep-beep. And... Stone was there, and that was nice. But the next thing I knew, I woke up in my own bed, and I don't have a clue how I got there. Do you think I might be goin' crazy?
Sally: Yes. Yes, you are going crazy.
Tommy: That is a shame.
Dick: Yeah. My advice is forget about it, don't tell anyone, and pretend you're well.
Sally: Yeah.
Vicki Dubcek: Um, do y'all have any deviled eggs, the kind with the relish in 'em? I've got this massive craving.

Sally: Good morning, sir. With all due respect you cannot just go around abducting humans.
Big Giant Head: Yes, I can.
Sally: Well, okay. But, uh there are plenty of places on Earth to do what you two did.
Big Giant Head: I know. But I wanted to be really loud. [chuckles] You know, you four haven't done this planet justice in your reports. It's... infectious! I... don't want to leave! In fact, I've decided to make this place our new base of operation.
Dick: You have?
Big Giant Head: Yes. I've hired an architect. We're gonna go up and out! I'm never leaving.
Vicki: Stone! I- I don't- I don't understand this, but I- I think I might be... pregnant. [Harry gasps]
Big Giant Head: Well, look at the time. I gotta get going. Whoo. Yes, indeed. I've got to get going. Home for me! I'm late!
Vicki Dubcek: What are you doin'?!
Big Giant Head: I don't know. I'm suddenly overcome with a desire to flee.
Sally: Sir, please! Sir!
Big Giant Head: I hereby upgrade your evaluation to sub-standard. Keep up the good work.
Sally: Uh, uh, proceed boldly and with stealth. [all salute]
Big Giant Head: Whatever. I don't know.

Sally: I do not need this my first week as High Commander. I do not need this.
Harry: What are we gonna do?
Sally: All right. All right. First things first. We minimize contact. Dick, you gotta get Mary outta here. Take her to one of those really long foreign films she pretends to like. Okay? Tommy, call the hospital. Tell 'em there's an incoming. Harry, you go run to the bathroom. I don't want to have to stop on the way. Now, go!
Dick: Nice work, High Commander.
Sally: Thank you.
Dick: For a beginner, I mean.
Sally: Thanks. [chuckles]
Dick: Of course, there were no alien impregnations on my watch-
Sally: Yeah, I get it, Dick.

Harry: It's gonna be okay, honey.
Vicki Dubcek: Oh, God, Harry, I can feel it! I can feel it coming!
Nurse: Just relax. Breathe deeply. You're doing great. I can see the head. Boy, is that a big head! [all scream]

Don: Is Dick in?
Nina: Haven't seen him. Why?
Don: Well, his friend Stone left this at the prom last night. I think he was spikin' the punch.
Nina: What makes you think that?
Don: Well, I, uh... woke up on the football field when the sprinklers came on. [the bottle transports away]
Nina: Well, I'll be sure to tell him when he-
Don: Uh- Uh- Where's my evidence?
Nina: I don't know!
Don: Jeez, this happens to me all the time! Guns, drugs... I even lost a whole dead guy once.

Dick: Mary, don't you see?! He's given you his seal of approval.
Mary: Why do you care what he thinks? The only thing that matters is what you and I think.
Dick: Tell me, Mary what do you think?
Mary: I think you're way too smart and handsome and sexy to waste a second of your time worrying about that braying jackass.
Dick: Mary...
Mary: What?!
Dick: I think my little problem is gone.
Mary: Yee-haw!

Dick: Uh, sir permission to-
Big Giant Head: Dick, what is this?
Dick: It- It's called a soap opera, sir.
Big Giant Head: Mmm. What are they doing?
Dick: They're having sex. Sir, if- If I may-
Big Giant Head: I want to do that. I want to do what Drake is doing to Amanda's sister.
Dick: Sir, I'll- I'll call some people.

Dick: But, sir, if I might, how could you make Sally the High Commander? I'm the High Commander.
Big Giant Head: Well, not anymore.
Dick: Then what am I?
Big Giant Head: I don't know. How does "Lieutenant" sound?
Dick: Awful!
Big Giant Head: That's right. It doesn't have much of a ring to it, does it? Let's see. Let's make you the... transmitter. "Transmitter Dick." Now, that sounds kind of jazzy.
Dick: But I- I can't be transmitter. Harry's the transmitter.
Big Giant Head: Fine. Then you'll be his assistant.
Dick: But- But- But-
Big Giant Head: No. No. No. No. No. Don't thank me. Wait. I've changed my mind. Thank me.