Dr. Brand: Dick, what's really going on?
Dick: What do you mean?
Dr. Brand: Are you feeling insecure about something?
Dick: Like what?
Dr. Brand: I don't know. You tell me.
Dick: My relationship with Mary?
Dr. Brand: [nods] Yes?
Dick: No.
Dr. Brand: Was that a yes?
Dick: [wailing] Yes! [sobs] Oh!

Dick: Because I want... [sniffs] Because I want to be a good human being.
Dr. Brand: And what's stopping you?
Dick: I don't know. You?
Dr. Brand: No.
Dick: Me?
Dr. Brand: Good! And?
Dick: And... where I came from. Yes, of course. It's where I'm from!
Dr. Brand: And?
Dick: It's my past! That's it. My past is stopping me from being a good human being.
Dr. Brand: Go on.
Dick: It's standing between me and my happiness with Mary.
Dr. Brand: Go on.
Dick: I've got to let go of my past! That's it! I'm letting go of my past!
Dr. Brand: Go on.
Dick: Go on? I've just made a huge breakthrough! Isn't that enough?!

Sally: Okay, flannel boy, yeah, step over here. So you're the one who's been stalking me, huh? [grabs him and slams him at the bars] Well, you have messed with the wrong broad, baby! You have made my life a living hell, and you will suffer the wrath-
Don: Sally, for god's sake, stop it!
Sally: What is it, sweetie?
Don: I was the one who wrote the note.
Sally: You?
Don: I thought it would be better than a card. I wanted to say it in my own words.
Sally: You wrote "Dear Sally, I can't stop thinking about you. I stay up at night... just to watch you sleep."
Both: "On this Valentine's Day your heart will be mine."
Sally: Oh, my god, that is so sweet.
Don: Thanks. I tried.
Sally: Let's go. [to the prisoner] You could never write a Valentine that good, you creep.

Tommy: So, this nice enough for you, huh? Set me back $47.99. Listen, I, uh, I have a present for you, because I wanted tonight to be really special.
Alissa: Really? What is it?
Tommy: Last night... I lost my virginity.
Alissa: You what?
Tommy: And if tonight is anything like last night, you're gonna have one great time.
Alissa: Why would you do this?
Tommy: Oh, I did it for you.
Alissa: For me?
Tommy: Yeah, you know, because you're such an experienced woman. You don't want a boyfriend who doesn't know what he's doing, you know? I thought you'd be happy.
Alissa: Happy? Not quite happy. I have to go think about this.
Tommy: Okay. Well, don't be long!
Alissa: Oh, I'm gonna be very long!
Tommy: Good thing I got pay-per-view.

Dr. Brand: Dick, what compelled you to invade my personal space? Oh, and read Mary's files?
Dick: I did it because I am a man who will do irrational, often annoying things, out of love for Mary Albright.
Mary: Why can't you just act like a normal human being?!
Dick: Because I'm never going to be a normal human being, Mary! And do you know why? Because I'm lousy at it! And you're just gonna have to accept that.
Dr. Brand: Don't listen to him, Mary.
Dick: I'm happy with myself. I don't want to alter who I am. I like me. Get that down, Dr. Brand.
Mary: So you're saying you're never gonna change.
Dick: Dick Solomon, love him or leave him.
Dr. Brand: You've got a choice, Mary.
Mary: Oh, Dick, I do love you. And I know what would happen if I ever tried to leave you.
Dick: Yeah. Irrational and annoying things.
Mary: Yeah.
Dr. Brand: I wouldn't normally say this, but you two should not be together.
Dick: Happy Valentine's Day, Mary.
Mary: Happy Valentine's Day, Dick. [they kiss]

Harry: So how are things with Alissa?
Tommy: Well, she hasn't called yet. Which I'm reading as smooth sailing.
Dick: She's just going to have to accept you for who you are.
Sally: Wait. Is a non-alien speaking? 'Cause I cannot hear a non-alien up here on the alien rooftop.
Dick: Sally, I'm an alien again.
Harry: Good, 'cause that other thing was stupid.
Dick: Not as stupid as Sally being scared by a Valentine.
Sally: Hey, I did not know the Earth custom on that one, all right?
Dick: Isn't it great to always have that excuse?
Sally: Yes, it definitely is. [all making kooky noises]

Tommy: Well, all I know is at school, everybody says Valentine's Day is designed to maximize the lovin'.
Sally: What about people like you who never get any lovin'?
Tommy: Yes, well, that's all about to change. Because this Valentine's Day is about me and Alissa maximizing the lovin' and minimizing the virginity.
Sally: Yes.
Dick: It's about time. I've been telling you to do that since you were fourteen.

Tommy: Alissa, do you want to get a hotel room?
Alissa: Tommy... it better be a nice hotel room.
Tommy: Really? Are you serious?
Alissa: Yeah, I mean, I think we're ready, don't you?
Tommy: Yes, yeah. No, I do. I really do. And absolutely it'll be a nice hotel room. I mean, after all, it's our first time.
Alissa: Oh, your first time.
Tommy: What- What?

Tiffany: Well, sometimes, don't you just have to be naked?
Tommy: I've got a girlfriend.
Tiffany: I've got a boyfriend.
Tommy: We're gonna have sex on Valentine's Day.
Tiffany: No. We're gonna have sex right now.
Tommy: I'm a virgin.
Tiffany: I could educate you.
Tommy: I could use an education.
Tiffany: Let's go.
Tommy: Okay! Alissa is gonna be so happy about this.

Harry: So let me ask you this: if you're not an alien anymore, am I still an alien?
Dick: I'm not here to define you or anyone. But I will say this: all the cool kids are no longer aliens. I've gotta change. Only one more shopping day before Valentine's, and this time, I'm getting it right. What are you getting for Don?
Sally: Ooh, I'm thinking ham sandwich.
Dick: Great idea.
Sally: Hey, that's what you got Mary last year.
Dick: Yeah, when I was a.... [beeping]... Alien.