Michael Scott: [quietly] I want someone to follow Donna. I want her tailed. I need the name of a good private investigator.
Dwight K. Schrute: I think I've got one for you. [hands Michael a business card]
Michael Scott: This is you. How much do you charge?
Dwight K. Schrute: $100 a day, plus expenses.
Michael Scott: I'll give you $50. Money's no object.
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm just gonna warn you, and I say this to all my clients, you might not like what I find.
Michael Scott: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: And you might not like how I find it. [slides over table on his way out]

Michael Scott: You're back. What happened?
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, I pulled muscles in both my thighs. Thanks for asking.
Michael Scott: No, what happened with Donna?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, no. She's not cheating. Oh, man! Will you help me work out this knot? Right here. [near his groin]
Michael Scott: Ugh!
Dwight K. Schrute: Put your fingers here.
Michael Scott: No. No! Are you sure?
Dwight K. Schrute: I'm positive. Yeah, oh, and here's your expense receipts right there.
Michael Scott: Who eats eight protein bars?
Dwight K. Schrute: People who don't trust egg whites.

Michael Scott: Okay. Well, I am just glad this is all over.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, me too. And by the way, uh, I told her not to, but she's coming over here and she's furious.
Michael Scott: What? No, she didn't say that.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're right. I was paraphrasing. What she actually said was, [pulls out notebook] "What is with him? He is crazy. I'm coming over there to talk to him." And this was after I have no other recourse but to tell her and gym security that you had me sent there to see if she was cheating. Also, I joined the gym. You'll be billed monthly.
Michael Scott: [quietly] I am not paying for that membership.

Michael Scott: Oh, my God. Look at how cheap street level rooms are. Am I the only person who enjoys people watching?

Andy: We're printing on 24-pound premium stock paper, approximately 300 sheets in. So far, no signs of distress. [Darryl is filming Andy's demonstration]
Darryl: You haven't even introduced yourself.
Andy: Right. My name is Andrew Baines Bernard, and if you're watching this, it's because I've turned State's witness because I'm in danger because I know too much.
Darryl: You should talk in a higher voice 'cause the camera makes you sound weird.
Andy: Higher? Okay. [speaking slightly higher] Recently certain events have come to my attention...
Darryl: Higher.
Andy: Make it higher? Okay.
Darryl: Mm-hmm.
Andy: [high-pitched] I have come to the conclusion that the Sabre corporation...
Darryl: One more, yeah. [Again motions to go even higher]
Andy: [higher] May be overlooking certain safety regulations. At the danger... [printer starts smoking and explodes] Ah! [speaking lower] It's working. [in normal voice] It's... I knew it!
Darryl: This... [removes camera headset]
Andy: We are blowin' the roof off! Blowin' the roof off! [Darryl aims fire extinguisher at printer] Nice. Nice. This is my partner, Darryl Philbin. He's been my partner through this entire thing.
[aside to camera:]
Darryl: I don't wanna prank anymore. Things get real. It's not funny. I'm just gonna be good, stay in my room, go to church, try to do one nice thing per day. I do not wanna prank anymore.

Michael Scott: Who is he?
Donna: What, what do you mean?
Michael Scott: The other man. Who's the guy? Who is it?
Donna: It's you. I'm married.
Michael Scott: I'm the mistress?

Pam: Do you wanna be happy? Look at you. You have a major self-destructive streak in you.
Michael Scott: I know.
Pam: And you kind of torpedo every romantic relationship you're in.
Michael Scott: That's not true. [Pam stares him down] You're right, I ruin everything. And I've known some wonderful women. Holly, Carole, Jan.
Pam: Helene.
Michael Scott: Helene?
Pam: My mother.
Michael Scott: Oh.
Pam: My mother, Helene.
Michael Scott: Oh, yeah. Yes, yes. Yes. All of, all of the greatest loves of my life.

Kelly: Oh, hey, I love your earrings.
Donna: Thank you.
Kelly: Did Michael get them for you?
Donna: No, I bought them myself.
Kelly: Where?
Donna: Steamtown Mall.
Kelly: Claire's? Zales? Ricky's? Earring, Earrings? Fancy Girl? Platinum Cat? Where?
Donna: You know, I actually got them in Philadelphia, in a mall down there.
Kelly: Franklin Mills? King of Prussia? Springfield? Governor's Place?
Donna: Uh, Franklin Mills.

Michael Scott: Come on. Shout 'em out, shout 'em out.
Andy: Walk around apple orchards.
Michael Scott: Oh!
Andy: Super romantic.
Michael Scott: That's fun.
Dwight K. Schrute: Eel fishing.
Michael Scott: All right.
Darryl: Curl up with your favorite DVD.
Meredith: You and Donna should hit the Poconos. They have heart-shaped Jacuzzis. Room enough for three.
Michael Scott: We actually went to the Poconos last Tuesday. We headed up there, we went to a little Chinese bistro. Um, P.F. Chang's.
Kelly: Wait, why would you go all the way to the Poconos to P.F. Chang's when we have the Great Wall in Scranton.
Michael Scott: Because when your super-hot girlfriend says, "I wanna go to Mount Pocono," you go to Mount Pocono and you do her. And we screwed. Whoops. TMI.

[Dwight notices Pam repeatedly clicking on her mouse and Jim doing the same with a pen]
Dwight K. Schrute: Stop it!
Jim: Stop what?
Dwight K. Schrute: You're talking about me in Morse Code. Well, you know what? Joke's on you 'cause I know Morse Code. Ha!
Jim: [chuckles] Yeah. That's what we're doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: Yup. That's exactly what we did.
Pam: It all started when Dwight was tapping his foot against the leg of his desk. When I asked him to stop, he said, "I will when you lose the baby weight."
[back:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Very well. I must have imagined it. I apologize. [Pam clicks her stapler and Jim responds by tapping his keyboard rhythmically] Detonator. Detonator where? Michael!
Michael Scott: Jim. Are you clicking a detonator?
Jim: It's a pen.
Dwight K. Schrute: Michael, come on.
Michael Scott: Get back to work, Dwight. Please.
Dwight K. Schrute: Fine. Hey. Tap away. [After Dwight puts noise-cancelling headphones on, Pam and Jim start to blink in rhythm]