Pam: Why won't you just admit that she's attractive? It's kind of annoying that you won't say it.
Jim: Okay, what can I do to make you believe me?
Pam: Well, Dwight had this idea, and I thought it was kind of crazy. But maybe that's where we are now.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: She called it crazy? Aw, man, that's insulting. All I did was propose a makeshift lie-detector test. Monitoring his blood pressure, pulse, perspiration, and breathing rate.
[also to camera:]
Pam: Yeah, its nuts. But I don't know what else to do.
[back to Dwight K. Schrute:]
Dwight K. Schrute: And she called it nuts?

Andy: Did you know that Lisa toured with Chaka Khan?
Kevin: Are you serious? From Star Trek?

Dwight K. Schrute: Come on.
Jim: Stop shoving me.
Dwight K. Schrute: [mocking] Stop shoving me. Stop grabbing my penis. Grow up. Take off your jacket and take a seat. When it lies, the human body exhibits many telltale signs.

Old Man: Uh, are you all in line?
Dwight K. Schrute: Why don't you go check out the sympathy cards, old man?

Dwight K. Schrute: Now I'm going to ask you just a few simple questions. Wait for this to constrict. Here we go. Is your name Jim Halpert?
Jim: Si.
Pam: Wait, that's it? That's the question you're going to ask him?
Dwight K. Schrute: We have to start with a baseline question to establish what the truth is.
Old Man: You have to share the machine with others.
Dwight K. Schrute: [mimicking] Well, that's what they taught me in my 19th century kindergarten.

Dwight K. Schrute: Do you find Cathy Simms attractive?
Jim: No.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yep, he's lying.
Pam: Ah, see, was that so hard?
Jim: I am not lying.
Pam: Really?
Jim: Pam, are you really gonna listen to his stupid homemade test?
Dwight K. Schrute: I would listen to my homemade test, because your husband is definitely lying. In fact, he's lied about every question. Even his name. Who are you really?

Pam: Wait, what?
Dwight K. Schrute: Look at the numbers. Every single time, it's come up 150 over 100. Your husband is a pathological liar.
Pam: Jim, you have high blood pressure.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, he is definitely attracted to her.
Pam: Doesn't your dad have high blood pressure?
Jim: Yeah, but I don't smoke.
Pam: When was the last time you went to the doctor?
Jim: I don't know.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's important to go every month and get your prostate checked. You can do it at home by yourself with your finger. You just stick it-
Pam: Dwight, stop. I'm not kidding, I mean, I need you to take care of yourself. What would we do if something happened to you?

Jim: Okay, easy. Trust me, I'm around for the long-haul.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's not really your choice, is it? Death waits for no man.
Jim: Okay.
Pam: Come on, let's go. I wanna call your doctor.
Dwight K. Schrute: Doesn't it worry you in the slightest that Jim is not his real name?

Ryan: So word on the street is she has a boyfriend.
Gabe: Well, he's probably a drug dealer. That's the best way to land a hot girlfriend. You just, uh, get her hooked on blow. [sniffs]

Andy: [scatting] Ske-be-do-bah-bap-bah-de, ske-be-de-bapa-de-bapa-boopa-dooten-bebe-daten-booray.
Darryl: Nice scatting, man.
Andy: Thank you. I think I said doop instead of boop at one point.