Kevin: Oh, yeah. This'll be easy. So just, like, rearrange the buttons and stuff.
Pam: Yeah, yeah. Like when he presses "Doors closed" the doors open. Or he presses "lobby" it goes to third floor, stuff like that. Can you do that?
Kevin: Yeah. Let me take a look at the circus board.

Michael Scott: [bending Luke over the desk, spanking him repeatedly] You are going to learn to be more professional, Luke!
Luke: What the-?
Michael Scott: That's what you're going to do, Luke!
Luke: What the hell was that?
Michael Scott: I had to do that.
Luke: Hey, [bleep] this! Screw it!
Michael Scott: All right. Are we good? [Luke runs out crying] You're okay. He's okay. There are many different schools of thought on capital punishment.

Gabe: Legal says the best way to protect us from a lawsuit is to call this a stress-induced outburst. You will have to undergo six sessions of counseling.
Michael Scott: That's it? Really? That's nothing. All right. That's highway robbery. Good.
Gabe: Well, that's the spirit.
Michael Scott: I can do that.
Gabe: And, uh, you will do your counseling right here, because our HR staff are all certified counselors.
Michael Scott: Okay. Wait, what?
Toby: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to working with you, Michael.
Michael Scott: Is there another option?
Gabe: The alternative is termination.
[Michael stares into the distance, considering the alternative]

Phyllis: It's all the packages he was supposed to overnight. He never bothered to send them.
Michael Scott: All right, those might be his. He might own an eBay store.
Jim: Yep. That's exactly what my first thought was. And then I remembered having a conversation with him where he was like, "I don't own an eBay store," so...
Michael Scott: Okay, okay. You know what? This is disgusting. This is like a witch hunt. This is like the Blair Witch Hunt project.

Gabe: Michael, you just physically assaulted an employee. Can we talk in private?
Michael Scott: Yes, of course. What is this in reference to?

Michael Scott: Nope, it won't be Gabe but actually, there is somebody in the office that is very, very close to Luke.
Dwight K. Schrute: How close?
Michael Scott: Well, Dwight, he wiped his butt. Is that close enough for you?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes. Of course.
Toby: Guys, I think Michael and Luke are related.
Michael Scott: No. No, Toby. He's not. Yes, he is. He's my nephew.
All: What?
Michael Scott: Luke is my nephew.
Oscar: Michael, that's nepotism. Luke is getting special treatment because he's your nephew.
Michael Scott: Yes, exactly. That is a very nice way of putting it, Oscar. Mixing family and business is a beautiful thing.

Jo: [on video chat] Why is this my problem, Michael?
Michael Scott: Because Gabe tattled. I was perfectly happy to just hide it from you.
Gabe: Those overnight packages needed to go out, and Michael refuses to hold the guilty party accountable.
Jo: Lower yourself, Gabe. I don't wanna be having a conversation with your crotch. Okay, educate me now why you won't fire the boy.
Michael Scott: You don't have all the facts.
Jo: Which are?
Michael Scott: I love him.
Jo: Oh, God. How far has it gone?
Michael Scott: No. No. He's my nephew.
Jo: Well, I got a nephew, too. But he don't work for me. You know why? Cause he's a screw-up. He can swim in my pool but he can't come in my house.
Michael Scott: Well, this office is my pool. And my house is my house. And I just want my nephew to work in my pool.
Jo: If you keep him, Michael, I'm gonna hold you accountable for him. You're on the hook for this kid. You got that? Cover his ass like tighty-whities.
Michael Scott: I will cover his ass like moss on a Mississippi tree stump.
Jo: Was how I put it not clear enough? I mean, you had to go and make up your own saying? Deal with it, boys.

Andy: Brocolli Rob, obviously, will be there.
Erin: Yes, of course.
Andy: And JC. We call him Blorville, because he looks like a black Orville Redenbacher.
Erin: Who's the guy who invented the peanut?

Gabe: Hey, guys.
Andy: Hey!
Gabe: Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt.
Andy: Not at all.
Gabe: I'm gonna head back to Siberia there. Ciao. [he and Erin kiss]
[aside to camera:]
Gabe: I started dating Erin this summer. It has been, in a word, exquisite.

Erin: Gabe is awesome. He has accomplished so much career-wise and height-wise. Thank God he's my boss because I would not have said yes to a first date if I didn't have to, but... it's been great.