Oscar: If there's nothing wrong with this, Michael, why have you been keeping it a secret?
Michael Scott: Because I wanted you to come to me and say, "Wow, he is so great." And I was gonna say, "Well, it's in the genes." And I was actually gonna be wearing jeans. And I'd point to them, right? No. But you ruined it. So, thank you very much. Here he comes. Guys, look. I don't want you to treat him like anyone else in the office. I just want you to treat him like my nephew.

Kelly: I would just like to say something off of what Darryl said about the level playing field. That is actually a zoning issue. So, thank you.

Andy: Am I angry that Gabe stole my girlfriend over the summer? No. I've been through anger-management, okay? So right now, I am sitting on a nice beach at Cape Cod, gazing out across the whitecaps. Oh, look, it's a humpback whale. How pretty. He's eating Gabe.

Jim: Wow, that's a lot of keys.
Dwight K. Schrute: The bigger the key chain, the more powerful the man.
Jim: That's right. The janitor said that.

Jim: By the way, the raccoons are back.
Dwight K. Schrute: Where?
Jim: I think they run through these panels and then down under the map. I wouldn't know for sure cause I don't have a trained ear. That's why I have to use one of these. [pulls out stethoscope]
Dwight K. Schrute: Give me that.
Jim: Yep. Wait, and this. [hands Dwight a hammer]
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.
Jim: Go get 'em.

Jim: What happened to me this summer? Dwight bought the building, so actually, this has been the busiest summer of my life.

Michael Scott: God, when he needed help on Earth, who did he hire? Jesus Christ, his son.
Erin: That's a really tight argument.
Michael Scott: Thank you.
Jim: But you're comparing you and Luke to God and Jesus.
Michael Scott: No! No. I'm just saying, why does God get to do something that I don't?
Oscar: This is hypothetical. We're talking about Luke who happens to be terrible.
Michael Scott: Well, then, why aren't you bugging me to fire everybody who's bad? You just want me to fire Luke. That's reverse nepotism. He should not be punished because he is related to me and bad at what he does!

Pam: I feel horrible for blowing Jim's prank. I don't know if you can tell, but he's mildly upset. And Dwight hasn't been messed with in a while, so he's become a monster. I need to make this right.

Oscar: Oh sure, those are the expense reports that corporate was waiting for yesterday.
Stanley: Let's just make this kid open this damn car.
Erin: Oh my gosh, those are the pants he wanted to return to Talbots.
Michael Scott: I'm reconsidering sending them back anyway.
Andy: You get that kid to open this car, or I'm gonna do it myself... by calling Triple A.

Michael Scott: Luke and I have been working side-by-side as master and commander. Me as master, he as commander. Occasionally he will need a little push, and I will do that, and he'll slow down, and I'll push him again. That's the thing with kids, you have to keep pushing. You have to push them until they push you back. And then you push some more. It's all about give and take, but mostly it's about pushing each other.