Robert: Erin, what can I get for you?
Erin: Uh, do you have cola? Kirkland if you have it.
Robert: Now, why would you come to a bar and ask for a cola when you can get some from the kitchen? Did some small part of you want something a little stronger? Ryan, Kevin, Phyllis, Oscar, come and take these shots!

Andy: How many drinks have you had tonight? I can't be driving everybody home.
Erin: A thousand.
Andy: Whoa! Maybe you should take a break.
Erin: [seriously] Maybe you should mind your own business. [normal voice] Just kidding!

Dwight K. Schrute: Ah! I've been attacked! Oh, my God! Oh! Someone put a porcupine in my drawer!
Toby: Oh, my God.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah, I was just sitting here at my desk and I, I reached into my drawer to grab my toothbrush and some tooth powder and- and all of a sudden I was attacked by this blood thirsty rabid creature!
Jim: I wonder, in this office, who has access to a porcupine?
Dwight K. Schrute: Or who in this office knows that I have access and is trying to set me up?
Jim: Hmm...

Dwight K. Schrute: Hello? Lacerated hand here folks.
Jim: Nice try, this is ridiculous.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh is it really? Two separate times you have set me up to believe I was being recruited by the CIA.
Jim: Three times.
Dwight K. Schrute: You see?
Andy: Jim, this has your fingerprints all over it.
Jim: Andy, you've gotta be kidding me.

Toby: Fingerprints can be planted. You know with a severed hand...
Kelly: Do you think that's what happened? Do you think he used a severed hand?

Jim: [on the phone] Yes, I'm calling from Dunder Mifflin. We have a very rabid porcupine in our office, someone should come pick it up.
Dwight K. Schrute: Come down right away!
Jim: [on phone] Uh, I don't know, let me ask. [to Dwight] Uh, were you quilled?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes, I was quilled.
Jim: And what's its name?
Dwight K. Schrute: Henrietta.
Jim: Oops.

Erin: Hey, I never told you my Christmas wish.
Andy: Ah, okay.
Erin: It's about you.
Andy: That's not what it should be, it should just be like a trinket or something.
Erin: t's that I wish Jessica was dead.
Andy: You- You- Wait. You mean you wish she wasn't here or something.
Erin: I wish she was in a graveyard! Under the ground...with worms coming out of her mouth.
Andy: Hey, you know, you can't say that, okay? That's my girlfriend that you're talking about. You and I are not together anymore. You need to get over it! Take your wish back.
Erin: Too late! It's already been wished! And you promised it would come true. You wrote it in an email! So, which one are you? A murderer or a liar?

Jim: Let me just see that one more time. Yep, you know what? I know who my friends are, now. But I shouldn't have got you involved because the truth is, I don't even really care about this picture, it's a little out of focus. It was probably an accident, right? Like...
Oscar: That's no accident.
Jim: Right. You're right. So maybe it was me who did it...by accident.
Phyllis: What?
Oscar: What?
Jim: I'll figure it out. Get to the bottom of it... Merry merry.

Andy: You know those movies where two friends are sleeping together and it's like, hey, can they stay friends?
Jim: Yes.
Andy: Do you think two friends who are not sleeping together can stay friends?
Jim: Two friends who are not sleeping together, can they remain friends? Yes. Yep.
Andy: No. Idon't- Hmm. I don't know.

Kelly: Jessica, did you just fart? [silence]
[aside to camera:]
Kelly: And that, is how it's done.