Mike: [sighs] Wait. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no kids in the house.
Frankie: Oh, my God, Mike. We're alone on Valentine's Day. We haven't been alone on Valentine's Day since Axl was born. [gasps] What should we do? [Mike untucks his shirt] No, no, no, wait, wait. Don't you see? We don't have to do it fast this time. We could go to dinner, then come back and then do that afterwards.
Mike: Yeah. After dinner isn't always your sexiest time.
[flashback:]
Frankie: Oh, my God. I'm dying. Why did you let me order that mud pie and all those breadsticks? Ugh. I'm so bloated I'm gonna explode. [belches]
[present:]
Mike: I'm just saying maybe we should do it now while we're still light on our feet. How about we knock one off now, then have dinner, then come back and do it again?
Frankie: Are you really up to that?
Mike: I don't know. But I'd sure like to try.
Frankie: Well, light a candle and put on the Lionel Richie. It's go time.

Mike: Forget the music. We got a candle. Get over here.
Frankie: You're right. Just wanted it to be perfect. Whoo, baby.
Mike: [chuckles] Come on, baby.
Axl: [enters] Oh, God. Unnatural. Guys, hide your eyes.
Sean: Mr. Heck. Mrs. Heck. Great to see you both. Hope you're having a fantastic Valentine's Day.
Mike: Why are you guys here?
Frankie: Yeah, what happened to your dates?
Axl: [chuckles] It's kind of hilarious, actually. So they met these college guys, but they don't even like them. So these guys are taking them to a fancy restaurant, then the girls are gonna call us after. [chuckles] These guys are stuck paying for their dinner, then we get them for the good part. Stupid college guys.
Darrin: Pretty sweet deal for us. All the reward with none of the expense. [chuckles]
Mike: Yeah, okay. You kids take care. We're going out.
Axl: Oh, hey, Mom, before you go, could you make us something to eat? Whatever's fast.
Frankie: Keep walking. Just keep walking.

Frankie: New idea. Let's each name our five favorite moments of our marriage. But you can't use our wedding day or the birth of our kids.
Mike: I wasn't going to. [chuckles]

Darrin: It's been three hours. Text them again.
Axl: No, it's cool. They're just playing hard to get.
Sean: We can play hard to get too. We should just stop texting them.
Darrin: But how are they gonna know we're hard to get if they're not trying to get us?
Axl: Mm. We text them, tell them we're done texting. We drive over there. Darrin puts on a hockey mask, scares those college guys away. We beat up Darrin. We're the big heroes, and the girls show us their appreciation.
Darrin: I love it. But how can we drive over there if we don't know where they are?
Axl: Damn, you're right. Well, someone remember that plan because that is too good not to use.

Mike: Wait, I got one. Colts winning the Super Bowl.
Frankie: The Colts winning the Super Bowl is your fourth favorite moment?
Mike: Because when all the other wives got bored and went into the kitchen to have wine, you stayed right by me and shared my beer.
Frankie: Oh, I am cool.
Mike: Yes, you are.

Frankie: See, it's like he's not even here. Let's just start our night again one more time. Come on. Back to us, all right? Valentine's Day. Let's reclaim the magic. And you owe me one more great marriage moment.
Mike: Okay. Give me a minute. Give me a minute. Uh... Oh, I got one. This is a good one. The time when we... [cell phone rings] Son of a...
Frankie: [answers phone] Hi, honey. Sue.
Sue: Everyone is making out everywhere. And there is beer.
Frankie: Someone brought beer?
Mike: [takes the phone] Who has beer?
Sue: Oh, I don't know. Some guy with pretty hair. And they lit up incense. I'm not sure if it's illegal or not, I'm pretty sure it is. I really wanna come home but everyone's gonna think I'm an immature dork for wanting to leave.
Mike: I'll be right there.
Frankie: [sighs] Oh, my God. You were right. She wasn't ready for this.
Mike: I'm sorry, did you just say I was right and you were wrong? This is my fifth favorite moment.

Axl: Dude, we've been duped. We're losers. Losers who've been duped.
Sean: Hey, we're not losers. They're losers. Look at what they're missing out on.
Darrin: Check out these guns. We rock.
Axl: Yeah. Yeah, I'm a football hero, for God's sake. Read it and weep. They'd take us back if we showed them what they're missing.
Sean: Shirts off, gentlemen. [all grunting]
Axl: All right, Sean, get in closer behind Darrin. Darrin, squeeze in. Closer. Keep flexing. Squeeze and now smile. Smile like we're digging not being with them. [camera clicks] [Axl laughs] Dude, we look like naked guys hugging.
Sean: Yeah, you can't see what our hands are doing.
Darrin: And it's sent. Oh, yeah. We nailed them so bad. High-five, my brothers.

Sean: Ladies, you two look lovely tonight. Mr. Heck, nice to see you again.
Mike: We already did that. What are you guys doing here? What happened to your women?
Axl: Oh, we blew them off. Too many head games. Whatever. Truth is, I'd rather spend Valentine's Day with the one woman who means more than anything.
Frankie: Oh, my God.
Axl: [laughs] That was hilarious. Did you see how she bought that for a second? Oh, sucker. Boom!

Mike: So do you wanna start our night over now?
Frankie: No. We've tried starting over three times. We need to face facts. This is it. This is the night we're having.
Frankie: [v.o.] So Mike and I didn't get to spend Valentine's Day alone together after all. But that's okay. Because someday Axl will be off on a date. And Sue will be kissing boys at a party. And Brick... Well, Brick will probably be living in our basement. But the point is, someday we'll miss these Valentine's Days together. So I figured we should treasure every lame one we had left.

Frankie: [v.o.] Valentine's Day. When couples take their one special day to express their love for each other. For couples with kids, Valentine's Day can be a different story.
[flashback: Frankie and Mike sit on the bathtub as Brick has his head in the toilet:]
Frankie: Happy Valentine's Day.
Mike: Yep.
Brick: [retches]
Frankie: [v.o.] And this year didn't hold the promise of being any different.