Frankie: It's okay. We're gonna find something. There's at least 12 other stores in this mall for girls your age.
Axl: Yeah... She's not exactly my age.
Frankie: Well, whose age would she be?
Axl: Someone who's 19.
Frankie: Okay. Well, does she like butterflies?
Axl: Yeah! That could be sweet. It'd match her tattoo.
Frankie: Tattoo? Well, I guess a lot of people have tattoos these days, so... So what, if she has a little butterfly?
Axl: Well, it's sort of more like a flock of 'em going from her neck all the way down to...
Frankie: Maybe she'd like a scarf. Girls like scarves.
Axl: Hey! Good call. You know, that one would match her hair.
Frankie: Oh, yeah? So her hair's pink?
Axl: Not like one of those lame people you see with pink hair. It's like a really cool pink, you know? Well, the part that's not shaved, I mean.
Frankie: Okay, look, Axl...
Axl: Mom, I want to thank you again for helping me out. You're really saving me here. Do you want to grab some lunch at the food court?
Frankie: Well, sure! I'm hungry. I guess we could get something. [to a cashier] My son invited me to lunch.
Carnation for your Valentine?

Sue: I'm so stupid for not getting his number. I just thought he'd be back at youth group and I'd see him again.
Carly: Sue, it's been four months, and you haven't found him. I-m-h-o, I just think focusing your energy on someone who may or may not be real isn't helping you find someone who... is real.
Sue: Oh, my God! You think I made him up?
Carly: Maybe it was just post-traumatic stress from not being asked to the Halloween dance.
Sue: That was pretty stressful. And I did eat a lot of sugar that night. Huh. You really think I could have made him up? I'm usually not that creative.

Mike: What? I was... making chitchat.
Frankie: Since when do you make chitchat?
Mike: I don't know. I... This mom spoke to me, so I spoke back.
Frankie: Oh. Hang on. Was it pilates mom?
Mike: I don't know. She seemed fit.
Frankie: What'd she look like?
Mike: I don't know. Uh, ponytail, green eyes.
Frankie: You noticed the color of her eyes? What color are my eyes?
Mike: They change with the weather.
Frankie: Wrong, Mike. Brown. Always brown. Rain, snow, sleet, or hail... brown, brown, brown.

Axl: So we're in biology class...
Frankie: Yeah.
Axl: And Ms. Devereaux turns on the methane burner, and I go, "Whoa, who farted?" And everybody laughs.
Frankie: [laughs] Axl, you are so funny.
Axl: Yeah. You know, you've actually been pretty cool about helping me with Vanessa.
Frankie: Yeah, well... I can be cool, you know. Which you discovered by spending time with me.
Axl: Ah, you know, some people look at a girl with pink hair and five studs in her ear and judge her a certain way. Like, she absolutely must have shoplifted that watch and lip gloss. Like, oh, yeah... There's no way she could have put 'em in a pocket as a joke and forgot about 'em. But would the cop listen? No.
Frankie: Yeah, what do cops know? [to the waitress] We'll have the crème brûlée. Two spoons.

Mike: Let's try to keep the noise level down! Adults are getting a headache!
Autumn: Mr. Heck? This lion Valentine just has a question mark on it. Is it from Brick?
Mike: Uh...
Frankie: [v.o.] Mike didn't want to make any more trouble for Brick, so...
Mike: Nah. That doesn't look like Brick's handwriting. But it sort of looks like that kid's over there. [Autumn walks over and hugs that boy]
Brick: Dad. What did you say to Autumn? Why is she hugging Jake while holding my Valentine?
Mike: I was trying to help you out.
Brick: By telling her my Valentine was from Jake? This is a disaster! How did you ever land Mom? You know nothing about women!

Mike: What was that?
Frankie: Vanessa. Axl told me a few scary things about her, but I didn't think she would be that bad.
Mike: You knew about it? And you didn't try to stop it?
Frankie: Hey, neither one of us is batting 1.000 right now.
Mike: I know why you didn't say anything. You're too busy dating our son.
Frankie: What? That is not true. We went out a couple of times. We went shopping, we had a nice dinner, we got some ice cream... Oh, my God, I'm dating our son.

Sue: I went to the dance dressed as a crayon to get a boy to notice me. Good night.
Mike: How'd we let that slip through the cracks?
Frankie: We have three kids. We're outnumbered.
Mike: Yeah we should have kept a man-to-man defense. Why'd we have the third, again?
Frankie: Valentine's Day, ten years ago?
Mike: Oh, yeah.
Frankie: You complained about having to take me out, so... we stayed in.
Mike: Yep. Saved a few bucks on that one, didn't I?

Brick: Not the one with the lion on it.
Mike: Whoa. What's the big deal about this one? "I like you, and I'm not lion." [chuckles] Someone spent four years in college to come up with that.

Brick: That one's for Autumn Wagner.
Frankie: Ohh, so who's Autumn Wagner?
Brick: She has pink lips and can do three cartwheels. In a row.
Mike: Well, no wonder she gets the lion Valentine. Come on. You heard your mom. Brick, stick, lick, done.
Brick: Are you nuts? I can't put my name on it. Then she'll know I like her. I'm gonna sign it, "love," and then a question mark.
Frankie: Oh, secret admirer.

Brick: You signed up to do the Valentine craft and party, remember?
Frankie: What?
Brick: They also need you to bring 30 empty shoeboxes.
Frankie: Well, I can't. If you recall, your teacher banned me from the classroom. So, Mike, looks like you're up.
Mike: Oh, I'm gonna be busy buying you flowers.
Frankie: [chuckles] Nice try. If I were you, I'd start trolling the dumpster behind shoe barn. If you get there in the morning, there aren't so many cats.