Brick: Do we have any details about the cause of Aunt Edie's death?
Mike: Just one. She was 96.
Brick: Interesting. Has anyone questioned Helen Riley? She was the perennial runner-up to Aunt Edie in the church pie contest.

Mike: How you doing balancing the checkbook?
Sue: Well, I must have done it wrong. I have your balance at minus $11.
Mike: No, you did it right. It's us who did it wrong. [Frankie and Mike high-five]

Mike: You know when I was happiest? I mean really happy? When I was driving everybody. When they were small, and I'd be driving. Didn't matter where. It was just me at the wheel and you next to me and those three idiots in the back. And I knew everything was okay, 'cause I was driving. And I had it. I had everybody.

Brick: Hey, Mom. Can I interest you in a decorative crock-pot cozy? Now you can leave your crock-pot out where everyone can see and save yourself unwanted embarrassment. It's for the women's club. These glasses are the prize for being their top seller.
Frankie: Let me guess. You're using the cozy money to pay off the peppermint-bark people.
Brick: Exactly.
Frankie: Brick, you're running a Ponzi scheme.
Brick: A Ponzi-what, now?
Frankie: You're using money you don't have to pay off the debt you had before, and now you got to go into even more debt to pay off this debt. It's an endless cycle. You're never gonna catch up.
Brick: Isn't that what you guys do with your credit cards?
Frankie: Well, yeah, but we're gonna die before they catch us.

Frankie: All I asked was for you to clean the bathroom! How hard is that?
Brick: Well, if you want to do it properly, you have to get to the root of the problem.
Frankie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Brick. We are not "root of the problem" people. The surface is where we live. You start chipping away and digging down to the root of everything, the whole place falls apart. The filth and grime is what's holding everything together. You want to see a video of how we fix things? We wipe, we slide, we shove, we close. If a drawer is too full to open, move on to the next one. Never open it again.

Axl: Hello, summer! Goodbye, pants. I will see you in September.

Brick: The Silligans come from a drier planet and are a rock-type people, whereas the Vernegos' habitat is a lusher, forest area...
Sue: Brick, enough! You have been droning on and on since we left. I am trying to concentrate. Aunt Edie's car is 3 feet wider than any car I've ever driven.
Brick: Sorry. Well, do you wanna listen to a book on tape?
Sue: Please. [tape rattling]
Brick: [on tape] But Soran would have to navigate the Asteroid belts of Norox without a working Pernovian laser. [whispers] Pernovian laser.
Sue: Is that you?
Brick: Uh-huh! I recorded the entire series on tape. I play them when my eyes are too tired from reading.
Brick: [on tape] As Professor Faxon's prophecy foretold, Soran's quest...

Mike: Sue, you got to come clean. You're too young to be in debt. It's different for us. We have a long-range financial plan where we die before we have to pay anybody off. But you don't have that cushion.

Axl: Oh! This is all your fault!
Frankie: What are you talking about?
Axl: I'll show you what I'm talking about. Axl Heck, star student of the week. Boom. Exhibit A. "I will be a rock star during the week and an astronaut on the weekends." Now that I'm older, I realize I should have reversed that, but you helped me with this. All through elementary school and middle school was, "You can be anything you want to be, Axl. Don't be afraid to dream big, Axl." Then I hit high school and you pull the rug out from under me! I wanted to start a T-shirt line. I wanted to be a reality star. And now, thanks to you, I'm stuck in a dead-end job for the rest of my life.
Frankie: [sighs] Axl, you're just an intern. This is not what you're gonna be doing forever.
Axl: Um, it's a little late to apply to astronaut school, so I think it is. Look at this. "Who are your heroes? Mommy, Daddy, and Spongebob." Guess it's just Spongebob now.

Sue: Axl. What are you doing up here?
Axl: Sometimes I come up here to think. And occasionally throw things.
Sue: Wait a second. Do you ever throw-
Axl: Acorns at your head? Yes. All the time. [groans] What am I doing with my life? It was so much easier when I wanted to be a fireman or a superhero. God! I wish I was still 17.