Frankie: Where's Dad?
Pat: Oh, I convinced him to stay home. He's such a stick in the mud. Takes an act of congress to get pants on him. He only wears velour.
Frankie: Mm. What's with the paper towels?
Pat: Oh, I didn't know if you had any. You don't always shop. I telling you, Frankie, these are the best. You can get them wet, wipe up a spill, wet them again, dry them out, and use them over and over again. I'm carrying them everywhere lately.

Frankie: Hey, Aunt Edie. Just so you know, we have a couple of interviews lined up for you this week, okay?
Aunt Edie: Oh, I just hope I get the job.
Frankie: Forget it.

Mike: When was I supposed to know this? I only found out 'cause I went by the house to invite you to Thanksgiving.
Big Mike: Oh, no. You don't want an old man with a broken hip at your Thanksgiving.
Mike: That's true, but my wife does. Please, Dad. Please, please, please come to Thanksgiving.
Big Mike: Oh, I don't want to be a bother.
Mike: It's not a choice, Dad. The nurses say you gotta be discharged tomorrow, and they can't let you go home alone. Don't worry. We got TV and crummy food at our house, too.
Big Mike: You don't exactly roll out the red carpet, do you?

Frankie: There you are.
Frankie: [v.o.] Finally, Mike showed up with the kids to make sure I got sprung. The Craigs had gotten their baby. Brick got his lice medicine. And though she hadn't heard yet, Sue was not feeling confident about her chances of making majorettes.
Frankie: Yeah, well, I've had some time to think... while I've been in here... and I've figured out a few things... You know, I guess there're some families somewhere... where the moms don't have to yell, but you know what? We're not one of them! Do you know why I pester and nag... and get on your case, and yell like a crazy person? Because nothing ever gets done if I don't! So that's what we're going back to. I don't care if it makes me look bad, I... [inaudible dialogue]
Brick: What is she saying?
Mike: I don't know. Just bow your heads. Look ashamed. Now nod. Nod like we know what she's saying.

Frankie: [v.o.] Yep, that's me, trapped in an office supply store at 4 in the morning. How'd I end up here? How does anyone end up anywhere they don't wanna be? Either drugs or kids.

Mike: Anyway, Frankie is putting together a nice dinner. You should come.
Big Mike: I don't wanna be a bother.
Mike: You're not a bother, Dad.
Big Mike: Don't go making turkey on my account.
Mike: We're making it, anyway. All of America is.
Big Mike: Well, if I come, you'll just have to get another chair out of the garage. All that hassle.
Mike: Okay, Dad. We're eating at 4. Come if you want, don't if you don't.
Big Mike: That's not much of an invite, is it?

Frankie: [v.o.] So Mike finally went to ask his dad to Thanksgiving. Which sounds easier than it is, because Big Mike's kind of a hoarder who doesn't like to leave his house. Maybe because he's got too much pride to accept an invitation. Or maybe because there's too much crap blocking the door.
Mike: [knocks] I know you're home, Dad. Montgomery Ward went out of business 10 years ago.
Big Mike: That's good to know. [replaces the "Gone to Montgomery Ward. Back in 5." Post-It on his door with one reading "Gone to Circuit City. Back in 5 min."]
Mike: So Thanksgiving is coming up.
Big Mike: Is it, now? Oh, well, the calendar says it's today.
Mike: Yeah. Well, the calendar is 4 years old, Dad.

Brad: I just don't fit in at all.
Sue: Brad. You don't always love school right away. But you got to hang in there! I actually have a ton of posters that speak to exactly what you're talking to, but they're all in storage. The point is, the same thing happened to me when I first got to Gumford.
Brad: But I don't like New York. Everything costs a zillion dollars. People are rude and pushy. I saw a guy once poop on the street. He didn't even try and hide it. He just looked at me like it was normal. I'm telling you, Sue, New York is nothing like On The Town. I mean, the Bronx is up and the Battery's down, but that's it.
Sue: Wow. So what are you gonna do?
Brad: I don't know. I guess I'll just listen to my dad and become a cop or a construction worker. I've already got the outfits.

Frankie: Where's your toothbrush?
Axl: Can't bring a toothbrush.
Frankie: No, that's toothpaste. What would possibly be the problem with a toothbrush?
Axl: My God, I can think of three different ways to kill someone with a toothbrush.
Frankie: Brick, Axl's taking your toothbrush to Europe.

Axl: I am starving. We need to stop somewhere.
Mike: You threw perfectly good food out the window. We're not stopping.
Frankie: There's granola bars in the blue bag. Wait. Where's the blue bag?
Axl: Oh, Sue left the blue bag!
Sue: Stop flicking me, Axl!
Axl: You leave the blue bag, you get flicked.
Frankie: Don't flick your sister!
Brick: See? This is why I didn't want to sit in the middle! [whispers] The middle.