Axl: Hey, you're closer to being a grown-up than I am. At least you got your own place.
Hutch: Would a grown-up still sleep with a night light? I tell people it's a fancy smoke detector.
Axl: I don't even pay my taxes yet.
Hutch: Well, you should.
Axl: Last week, a cartoon made me cry.
Hutch: I still drink juice boxes.
Axl: I still use Batman toothpaste. [sighs]
Hutch: Yeah, we're not grown-up yet.
Axl: Yeah.
Hutch: Ooh, Chuck E. Cheese.

Frankie: So, what do you think?
Mike: Think you're a few years off.
Frankie: Well, I think it's cute, and I think you're jealous because Sue invited me up to celebrate her 21st birthday and you had to trick Axl into celebrating his with you.
Mike: I didn't trick him. And don't get too big a head there. Didn't she choose you just 'cause her real friends are out of town?
Frankie: I'm fun, Mike. I'm the fun parent, and Sue knows it, and we are gonna party like it's 1999.
Mike: You were 33 with two kids in '99.

Frankie: Oh, hey, do you know where the blue bag is? Aha! Whoo! Got it.
Mike: That's the blue bag? I thought the blue bag was yellow.
Frankie: The blue bag was yellow, and now the blue bag is orange. Try to keep up.
Brick: Oh, good, the blue bag.
Frankie: Unh-unh. Blue bag is coming with me.

Mike: 'Cause we just waited an hour in line to see that rock guy. We're not waiting in another whole, big line again.
Brick: Uh, I believe you're talking about Lord Alyzium. He's not a rock, he's a mineral.
Mike: From where I stood, he was mostly Styrofoam.
Brick: No offense, Dad, but I don't think you're embracing the spirit of this convention. I promise you, this one's gonna be worth it. I didn't want to spoil it for you, but they have a live Menenjula Twin Habitat.
Mike: I don't care if they have a young Angie Dickinson habitat. I'm not waiting in this line. [cellphone chimes] "Why are you being mean to Brick? Just wait in line." Did you just text your mom?
Brick: Silligans cannot lie. Well, they can, but then their arms will find off.
Mike: Look, I'm the one that brought you out here. If you got a problem with something, take it up with me, don't text your mom. Come on, the line to poke that jellyfish thingy was wide-open. Let's go.

Sue: Oh! Why, hello, bartender. I would like to order some alcohol, please. And don't worry, it's legal. You don't have to trust the sash. Oh!
Bartender: Wow. Happy birthday, Miss... Sue Sue Heck.
Frankie: I suppose you're gonna want to see mine.
Bartender: Ah, my mom makes that joke, too. All right, first round's on the house for the birthday girl. What will it be?
Sue: Ohh, I don't know. They all look so good. I should've made a binder for this. Okay, I don't know. Let's have [gasps] something with an umbrella.
Frankie: Mm.
Sue: No, with fruit. No! With fire.

Frankie: Oh, happy birthday, honey. [they clink glasses]
Sue: Oh! First legal drink!
Frankie: Mm-hmm.
Sue: [squeals] [drinks] Oh, I think there's something bad in this.
Frankie: That's the alcohol.
Sue: Oh.

Brick: One order of fries, and a pop in the Faxon's Folly festival-only collector's cup.
[After Brick is served his order of fries, he throws them up against the wall. The crowd grunts.]
Mike: What the hell?! What'd you do that for?
Brick: That's what they're for. When the Silligans were being chased from the Outer Rings by the Marderian Horde, they cut weight by dumping their food stores. We honor their sacrifice by doing the same. [quietly] I know you're a newbie, but come on, Dad. Can you at least lower your voice a little when asking dumb questions?

Concession Guy: That will be $26.95.
Mike: For a pop?!
Concession Guy: It's a collector's cup.
Mike: Well, then, I'm just gonna collect my money and put it back in my pocket. Ridiculous. They think 'cause they got you trapped, you'll pay for anything. Great, now I got French fry all over my foot. [cellphone chimes] [growls] "Just let Brick have the cup." What did I tell ya?! I said, "Don't go texting your mom."
Brick: Well, I'm sorry, but you're being unreasonable. If you're coming to something like this, you should expect to get a souvenir cup. I'm beginning to understand why Mom says she's the fun parent.
Mike: Well, that may be true, but you're stuck with me. We're stuck with each other, and that's the way it is, so you're just gonna have... [answers cellphone] Hello?
Frankie: [on the phone] You need to calm down.
Mike: What? Are you kidding me?!
Brick: That vein was popping out of your head. I was worried about you. I think Mom should be notified if you're about to have a medical episode.

Frankie: [on the phone] Suck it up, Mike. Just let him do his weird things.
Mike: Hey, I let him do plenty. You don't know... [crowd grunts] You don't know what we've done and haven't done, but he shouldn't be texting you. I'm the parent on duty, I'm dealing with it.
Frankie: You think I want to be getting all these texts? Every time I try to take a selfie with Sue, Brick keeps popping up, telling me how awful you're being.
Mike: He threw a $5 basket of fries against the wall!
Frankie: It's the Wall of Sacrifice! That's what you do. You know, if this were Axl, you wouldn't be complaining. You would happily go along with whatever he wanted to do. All I'm asking is that you choose Brick.
Mike: Choose Brick? What the hell does that even mean... "Choose Brick"?
Frankie: I'm saying he's your kid and he deserves your attention. Even if you're tired, you can't just slack off. You got to be on top of your game when it comes to your kids.

Hutch: You know, there's sort of an unwritten rule... The passenger entertains the driver.
Axl: Sorry, I'm just trying to get something down for my toast. You work on yours?
Hutch: Nah. I just figure I'll start talking and see what happens. I find, if I smile enough, people don't really listen to what I say. And besides, it's Kenny. How many guests can there really be?
Axl: True. I've never even seen him talk to another human being besides you and my mom, that one time.
Hutch: Yeah, we didn't even know his last name till we got the invite. Maybe we'll be the only ones there.
Axl: Well, he's got to have a family, right? I mean, Kenny had to come from somewhere.
Hutch: And if we knew where that was, it'd be great for our speech. You think we'll have mikes?
Axl: I'll text him. "K-bird, super-pumped for the wedding. How many peeps? Mikes for speeches?" Boom.
Hutch: Oh, and while you're at it, ask about bridesmaids. See if he has any sisters.
Axl: You really want to get with a she-Kenny? [cellphone chirps] Oh. Uh, "Definitely gonna be a mike."
Hutch: Hmm.
Axl: "Have to be sure all 600 guests can hear you."
Both: 600?!