Brick: I can't believe you made us come home early.
Mike: Early? We were there for five hours!
Brick: Some people go for three days! And you didn't even let me buy any souvenirs.
Mike: On what planet do they charge you 26 bucks for a pop?
Brick: Uh, those are 1950s prices on Gorkon.

Mike: Brick, you don't need all that junk... the hats and the cups and the Silligan pool floaties. It's not supposed to be about the merchandise, it's supposed to be the experience. What are you doing? Are you texting your mom when I told you not to?
Brick: "Dad is being a jerk."
Mike: Did you seriously just call me a jerk? [scoffs] Do you have any idea what your grandpa would've done to me if I called him a jerk?
Brick: Actually, I didn't call you a jerk. I described you as being a jerk. In this instance, "being" is an adverbial participle clause, so...
Mike: Enough. Give me your phone.
Brick: My phone... that I only ever use to talk to Mom?
Mike: Forget it. You're grounded instead. Go to your room, and don't come out until I say.
Brick: My room... with all my favorite books and Axl's super-TV? Okay.
Mike: Hold it. [sighs] There's got to be something around here that means something to you.
Brick: Good luck. I care about very little.

Hutch: Man, if I was writing this about you, it'd be a lot easier.
Axl: Oh, yeah? What would you say?
Hutch: Oh, I don't know. Probably something about, when I was in high school, I thought I was some big shot, gonna play football wherever I want. Next thing I know, I'm tied up to a goalpost next to some guy calling himself the "Ax-man." [chuckles] Thought things couldn't get any worse.
Axl: Ouch.
Hutch: But suddenly, there was this cool, confident, funny guy laughing at all my jokes, telling me how smart I am, and actually thinking that I have good ideas. You know, that's what's so awesome about Axl. He has this way of making you feel good about yourself. And, man, we can all use some of that... Am I right? So, everyone, raise your glasses to Axl... as good a friend as any guy can have. Thanks for everything, brother.
Axl: [voice breaking] Pretty... Pretty good.

Hutch: [chuckles] Uh, what would you say about me?
Axl: Oh, uh... All right. Um... I think everyone gathered here today in my penthouse on top of the Empire State Building know that, despite all my incredible successes in business, I wasn't always the best student. In fact, I probably wouldn't have graduated at all if it weren't for Hutch. Yeah, I worked way harder in college than I ever thought I could have, and it's weird, 'cause [chuckles] the thing I remember most is laughing, like, the whole time. I mean, you think I could have lasted three years in an RV with anybody else? No. Mnh-mnh. Ladies and gentlemen, I wouldn't be standing here before you today if it weren't for this guy right here... a guy I'm lucky enough to call my best friend.
Hutch: Yeah, that... that'll do. Th-That'll do.

Frankie: So, it's good we did this, because now I can teach you about the day after. The day after is all about rebuilding, and how do we do that? Sugar in any form. Chocolate, cookies, doughnuts... straight out of the bag. Just get them in ya.

Frankie: [v.o.] It doesn't matter what galaxy you're in, fathers and sons will always battle, but sometimes victory is won with strategy and not strength.
[As Mike sits down to watch the game, Brick stands in front of the screen wearing all of Mike's Colts memorabilia and sipping from his travel mug]
[cut to Mike and Brick at the convention again:]
Mike: Give me a pop... in a special-edition collector's cup. And one of those, uh, Menenjula Twin tote bags.
We can always use another blue bag, right? [Brick chuckles] [to a guy in a costume] Hey. Any idea what size that light bulb is?

Brick: It'll take Dad and me at least an hour and a half to get to the Planet Nowhere convention.
Mike: [groans] You still want to do that?
Brick: Uh, yeah?
Mike: I'm just saying, it seems like you kind of just did it with Sue.
Brick: That was three years ago, and this time they're taking over a whole abandoned mall. Now, we're gonna need to lay a little groundwork for you as a Nowhere newbie. Yes, I ordered you the badge, but don't worry, I'll catch you up on the drive.

Mike: So, old Kenny's getting married, huh?
Hutch: Crazy, right? Hitchin' up with some girl he met on a train platform in Amsterdam.
Axl: Yep. Their avatars fell in love, and then they did. We haven't even met her yet. Sweet! The blue bag! Oh, gross! Who put fruit in here?
Frankie: I did, because I'm taking the blue bag.
Axl: What? No. No, no, no. Kenny's wedding is in Ohio, and the fridge in the 'Bago is busted.
Hutch: Well, to be fair, everything in the 'Bago's busted.

Frankie: Ooh, I told Sue I would be there by 2:00. Okay, anybody got any birthday cards or presents I should take up to Sue? That's what I thought.
Axl: All right. We got a long drive ahead of us, so we might as well hit the road. Have fun at Planet Loser.
Mike: [sighs] The sooner we start, the sooner we finish.
[Everyone leaves with the "blue bag" still on the kitchen table]

Frankie: So, you're gonna want to pace yourself. We have all night. And the most important thing is not to drink on an empty stomach. That means we're gonna want to layer. We need to make a nice, cozy bed of absorbent food layers for the booze to rest on.
Sue: Got it. Oh, and don't let me forget... It's a big thing here that on your 21st birthday, everybody kisses the East Indy dragon statue. It's one of our oldest traditions, dating back to the '80s, so, obvi, I got to do it.