Sue: Brick, get a grip! We are not gonna find a gift for Mom in this stupid Val-U Pack!
Brick: No, I had those in font groups!
Sue: Wait, look at this.
Brick: "King's Head Bar and Grill." Yeah, not a fan of Canterbury Bold.
Sue: No, under "50% off fish and chips." "Trivia Contest Grand Prize... a trip for two to London for the royal wedding." This is it. We got to win this for Mom, Brick. It's everything she loves... weddings, the royal family, a trip to actual London? This would make up for a lot of inflatable foot baths.
Brick: True, but this is us we're talking about. Winning something? You think we even have a shot?
Sue: I always think I have a shot. I'm usually wrong, but let's do it anyway.

Brick: The Seattle Space Needle.
Mike the Trivia Host: Correct! Another 10 points for Heck Yeah.
Sue: Mmm, Brick, you are killing it!
Brick: See? You made fun of me, but spending a year in front of the microfiche really paid off.
Sue: Yep.
Brick: And to think I might've wasted it forging social bonds with my peers.
Sue: Yeah.

Brick: I'm gonna need something stronger than this. Hit me with a Shirley Temple!

Nancy: Frankie, I'm so glad I caught you. Could you bring in our mail on Monday? Ron's taking us all to Gatlinburg for Mother's Day weekend. We're staying at that hotel with the giant walk-in totem pole. It's nice to mix in some culture.
Frankie: Hey, bring me back some taffy and I won't rifle through your drawers while you're gone.
Nancy: Oh, you!

Nancy: So, how's everything with you guys?
Frankie: Oh, we're good. Haven't seen much of Axl 'cause he's always in and out. And Mike's up to something 'cause he's obviously lying to me, but he's so bad at it. I think he's planning something for Mother's Day.
Nancy: Oh, that's great!
Frankie: No, it's not. He's the worst gift giver of all time. It's gonna be horrible. It's always horrible.
Nancy: Aww. Poor Mike.
Frankie: [sighs] You know what, you're right. He does try. I feel bad 'cause I'm not good at hiding my disappointment. But, you know, it's hard to pretend to be excited when you open the box and it's yellow pants. I'm not Meryl Streep.
Nancy: I hear you. Sometimes, you wish you could just see the gift first so you can practice your reaction.
Frankie: [chuckles] Yeah. Hold on. You might be onto something. If I knew what my sucky gift was ahead of time, I could pre-disappoint myself and fake being grateful. Let me try it. Oh, look! Third notice on the gas bill. I love it! [chuckles]
Nancy: Frankie, you're so funny. Seriously, you need to pay that.

Mike the Trivia Host: Okay, we're down to our final round. So, let's check the score. In, uh, third place, with 200 points, London Calling. Whoo! In second with 205, Trivia De Havilland. And on top with 215 points, Heck Yeah. Questions are now worth 20 points. So it's anybody's game.
Sue: Ooh, I really have to go to the bathroom.
Brick: Now?!
Sue: Well, you know we can't use the kid bathroom and Mom was in hers when we left. I have been holding it in for two hours.
Brick: But you can't leave now!
Sue: Well, that ship has sailed, Brick. And it is coming into port. You've been answering everything anyway. I'll be back as quick as I can.

All: Happy Mother's Day!
Frankie: Oh! Is that today? Yay!
Mike: Hey, listen, I know we haven't always delivered in the Mother's Day department.
Sue: But this year, we had an amazing idea. We entered a trivia contest where the grand prize was a trip to London for Prince Harry's wedding.
Frankie: Oh, my God, I'm going to the royal wedding?!
Brick: Sadly, that did not pan out.
Frankie: Oh.
Sue: So then we thought, "Wouldn't it be great if Mom woke up on Mother's Day and the toilet was all fixed?"
Frankie: Well, it's not London, but that is really sweet.
Brick: Sadly, that did not pan out, either.

Sue: But we finally came up with something. [Axl passes forward a gift]
Frankie: Where have you been hiding this? No, seriously. Where have you been hiding it? Well, I am sure that whatever it is, I am going to love... [unwraps box] Okay, seriously, nothing? You're giving me nothing? Are you kidding me? This is an all-time low. I can't even pretend that this is a decent gift. I'm sorry. I don't know how Meryl Streep does it. And if you tell me, "Oh, this is a box full of love" or "It's to put my wishes in," I am going to tell you to shove it.
Mike: Hang on. There is a gift. It's just not one that we can give you right now.
Axl: But in a week... I'm gonna bring my big TV out to the family room...
Brick: And we're all gonna watch the royal wedding with you.
Frankie: Really? You guys are seriously gonna get up at the crack of dawn and watch it with me?!

Mike: Not just that. We're not gonna make fun of it.
Axl: Or you.
Brick: Or the hats.
Sue: Or talk during it.
Brick: Or read during it.
Sue: Or call it "lame" or "snore" or pretend to gouge our eyes out... Axl. And we're all gonna stay awake through all of it.
Frankie: Even the waving on the balcony part?
Mike: Yep. And I'm even gonna study up so I know who everybody is. Sue's making me royal flash cards.
Frankie: Oh, you guys. Oh, this is the best gift ever! And I am not even pretending or anything. I mean, your dad was acting so weird that I thought it was gonna be something horrible. But I-I love it. I really love it. [Frankie hugs Mike]
Mike: Ooh, your boobs are freezing.

Frankie: [v.o.] And for once, they actually delivered. It was the best Mother's Day yet.
Sue: Oh, my God, her dress is gorgeous. Isn't her dress gorgeous?
Frankie: Stunning. You know, she had a little more leeway with her dress 'cause Harry's only fifth in line to the throne.
Mike: Really?
Brick: Fascinating.
Axl: Hey, I've been there!
Frankie: You were at Windsor Castle?!
Axl: No, no, no, no, no, no. The bar across the street. I puked right where that guard is standing.
Frankie: Can I just say this is great? I get to watch the thing I want to watch and I get to do it with my whole family.